Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Great Service -Some Whining

He Said She Said August 2012 Showcase Magazine –
Great Service-Same Whining

He Said

Last month we had the pleasure of attending a friend's
wedding in Atlanta. I really enjoyed the time
off because it gave me time to shop and be with my
best friend in the whole world ...you. Everything
was beautiful, the wedding was exquisite, being with
all our friends and sharing good times is what life
is all about. You of course know all of this so I
don't have to explain it to you. There is one little
thing that happened that you have not commented about.
Did you notice that Friday night when we went out for
dinner, I did not register one single complaint in
the restaurant? Most of the time after we leave a
restaurant I hear for the next hour everything that
I said or did wrong. But Friday night was an exception.
Not one complaint from me. You are dying to know why,
aren't you? I thought so. The reason you did not hear
any complaints was these people know how to treat
their customers. Since I traveled many years on a
company expense account I had grown accustom to
receiving good customer service while enjoying great
meals. When we go to a regular priced restaurant or
even a higher priced restaurant in some cities, they
just don't seem to know customer service that I have
grown to enjoy.
Have you ever had someone wipe up the crumbs from the
table after the main course so that you will have a
clean table to eat dessert? Have you ever eaten at a
restaurant where you don't have to call someone for
more water or tea, they just keep your glass full the
whole meal? I know it was pricey, but it was a fabulous
tasting meal with great customer service and that
is just what I have missed.

She Said

You have become so foreign to your own way of seeing
things that it has almost become somewhat annoying. We
ate at the same restaurant, you remember a perfect meal.
I remember and heard every little thing that went wrong
that night, and you have put it completely out of your
head. First of all just let me say it was one of the
best tasting meals that we have had in a long time.
I will give you that. I know it was expensive and the
waiter (Frank) did give us great service including
coming to the table and calling you Mr. Oldham. I guess
the main guy had told him. That was indeed thoughtful.
Keeping the glasses filled also was very nice. Offering
to explain the meals was typical of most restaurants so
that was ok. But as soon as he left the table and other
people around us starting getting their food, you started
in. You do it at every restaurant. “We were here way
before them, how do they get their food before us”.
“What is taking so long with our food, I could have gone
out in the woods, killed it myself, skinned it and cooked
it sooner that this”, is another one I hear all the time.
Then as you start to get bored, I start hearing your take
on everyone in the restaurant.”I bet that couple beside
us is having an affair”. Right after you said that Friday
night I heard our waiter congratulate them on their 20th
year anniversary. I started to say something to you about
it, but I figured it would break up your fantasy so why
bother. I will say that being with you and going out to eat,
most always presents a challenge, but I can also say you
are never without a word, be it right or wrong. It just
sometimes gives me indigestion, which up until now I have
hesitated to tell you. But I thought it best to get it
off my chest while you are thinking everything was A-Ok in
Atlanta. To me, it was better food, but the same old whining
I get in every restaurant.

Independence Day

He Said She Said July 2012 Independence Day

He Said

While having a conversation with a group of people
last month, one of the gentleman in the group
was scheduled to be in an upcoming wedding....his own.
One of the guys in our mixed crowd of men and women
went on to describe how much your life changes after
you get married. Now I know that marriage means different
things to different people. Men see life and marriage
one way and women see life and marriage another way.
We could debate this till the world ends. But I don't
have time allocated in this space to do that, so I will
just share with you how your life ends the way it has
been on the day you get married. This will not be
directed at everyone, because everyone is not the
same. But generally this is how it goes. One day you
are a free spirit. You get up , you do your thing,
you eat when you want, you change clothes , you don't
change clothes, you go to bed whatever time you wish,
you sit on the porch , you lay on the couch, you eat
what you want and so on and so on. The day you get
married you lose all of your freedom of choice. You
now have a partner in your decision making and you
have two choices. One is you continue to do what you
want as you always have and just suffer the consequences
or you open your life to someone else who now makes
all your decisions for you. What you wear, what you eat,
where you go, when you go, how long you stay and the
list goes on. Now let me just say this about my wife,
none of this happens in our marriage. This is just what
I hear happens in other marriages, not ours. Our
marriage is totally independent, always even keeled
and always in agreement with one another as long as
the moon and the stars are in alignment. So far they
have been in alignment for two years. For other people
though who are not as gentle, loving and caring as my
bride, I just wanted to let them know what to expect
when they get married. I need to go now,since I know
she wants me to drive her to the mall, Lowe's and
Wal-Mart today.

She Said

You are so full of yourself today. Reading what you
have written reminds me that marriage is a two way
street and what I, your wife, has had to give up. No,
wait a minute. Let me describe for you as you like
to say, what SOME women lose or gain when they get
married. Not me of course. What was a carefree life
of shopping, wearing what looked good, not what someone
else thought looked too provocative, watching what
TV shows you want to watch, going to see the kind of
movie that you wanted to see, buying the right type
of food that you want to eat is just some of the things
that women give up when they marry. Women do gain
things in a marriage though. They get to iron more
clothes, wash more dishes, cook more often, share
their paychecks, listen to boring stories, over and
over again, and hear complaints about everyone they
know from their husband. They get to listen about how
bad everyone drives, how the country is being run so
poorly, how life has treated them compared to their
friends, and the list just goes on and on. Women are
expected to clean the house, take out the garbage ,
mow the grass, wash both cars, and look pretty as a
picture when their husband arrives home from work.
They are expected to want to sit on the porch and
drink tea even though three bathrooms need cleaning
and the laundry needs to be done. This is just what
I have heard of course, I would never suggest that
this is the way our marriage is or has been. No, I
think in your mind all of the stars and moon are aligned
in order and our life is going pretty much like you
expected it to go. More that likely if you took a
survey 90% of the men would say life is good with
their wives. Why do they think that? Because we
let you drive us to the mall, Lowe's and Wal-Mart
and to you that is your good deed for the month and
you feel you have satisfied us completely. What
else could a woman want out of life? Right?

Monday, June 25, 2012

Who Are All These Men?

He Said She Said Showcase Magazine June 2012 – Who are all these Men?

He Said

Summer is upon us and suddenly I find myself coming home,
not to my sweet and loving wife but to a bunch of different
looking men who are going through the house measuring,
making suggestions, and in general trying to change
at least one thing in every room of the house. One day
I stopped one of them to find out just why he was there
and he proceeded to tell me that you had actually invited
him and all of his cronies to roam around. It was not just
one day in a given week, but on several days in a two
week span. I recalled that we had been taking more than
the usual number of trips to Lowe’s and Home Depot recently.
Since I don’t know how any of those things in home improvement
stores work anyway, I just follow you from department
to department, with my hands In my pocket because you told
me not to touch anything.
It seems to me that if they have all those trinket’s out on
the shelves, they are begging to be touched.

Why would anyone mind if I touched a hammer, or a light fixture?
I'm not going to use either one of them.

Getting back to the men in the house, I find that we are
getting ready to do a partial make over in the kitchen and
Lord knows what else in those other rooms. I asked one of
those workmen if his wife could cook and he said that she's
another Betty Crocker. So I asked him if I could go home
with him because one of the other men told me that our kitchen
would be closed for at least two weeks.


She Said

Looking at your physique, I doubt that you have to worry about
starving to death anytime soon. I think You have once again
embellished the truth to the max. I did ask a contractor to
come by and give me an estimate about some minor work in the
kitchen and you did happen to come home when he was here.
There is no surprising you, Inspector Gadget! One of the
workmen did come back another day to take some measurements
and bring me some tiles and paint colors to look over. As
far as taking you anywhere, especially one of the hardware
stores, it's like taking a seven year old. What’s this?
What does this do? Have you ever used one of these? Why is
this so small, or large, or long or whatever? You never
stop asking questions. That's why I have to sneak over to
Lowe’s just to be able to browse at my leisure without
having to explain how a hammer works. I would never take
you down the garden tool aisle because you would have to
touch every tool in there, and ask me a thousand questions
about what they are used for. This summer is a perfect
time for us to get some much needed changes done to the
kitchen and maybe a couple of other rooms while I am at it.

This should not inconvenience you too much since all you
do when you're not working is sit out on the
porch and read. You can still do that. As far as the
two week period when the kitchen is closed, I can
offer you several good options. One, order a Pizza and
have it delivered to the front porch. Two, bring something
to eat with you so you don’t starve. Third, go on a diet
and just eat apples every day for two weeks. You save
money, lose weight, and get fresh air, all in one fell swoop.

Don’t ever say I don’t take care of my man

Monday, May 28, 2012

Mother's Day

May 2012

He Said

Getting Old. Getting Older. I knew this day was
coming and that's why I married you. I know how
you cared for and doted on your Mother.
All men should learn this one important fact.
If you want to judge how your wife is going to
be in the future, look at how she treats her
mother. Is she warm, kindhearted and more importantly,
does she take care of her mother's needs? This my
friend is an example of how she will be treating you
in the future. Getting back to you and this
age thing. Have you noticed that I don't hear as well?'
Have you noticed that I am constantly dropping things?
Have you noticed that I don't pick up my clothes
everyday? Wait a minute ,that is not old age, that is
just me being lazy and I have done that since I was a
teenager so that doesn't count. I know I don't complain
much, maybe a little whining from time to time, but I
swear, every joint in my body aches. I would say it is
from too much exercise, but you would say that's impossible,
because I never exercise. One day my shoulder aches, one
day my foot hurts, one day I have a tooth ache, the next
day I have pain in my elbow. Does everyone feel like
this at my age or is my body just falling apart in front
of me?
Why don't I ever hear you complain about these things?
All I hear you complain about is your weight and I have
justified that for myself by saying the scales must be
broken. That works for me. Anyway I am thanking you
before hand for your future endeavors as a nurse.

Keep up your strength, I'll need someone to push me
in my wheelchair around the mall on Mother's Day.

She Said

If I remember correctly, you were complaining about
pain and trying to get out of work in the eleventh grade.
You have never been one to jump up and down, participate
in sports, be outside longer than the time it takes for
you to go from the house to your car and back again. As
far as getting older, that's just a natural part of life
and it sure beats the alternative. I'll give you three
guesses as to how you look at it and the first two don't
count. You have been working towards this day since you
were a little kid. You are probably not physically tired,
just mentally tired from the challenge of figuring out
how to get out of work, how to get out of exercise, how
to stay out of sun, how to avoid doing anything that
constitutes making an effort. I think most of your"old
age pain" is in your head. My duties as a daughter
were no more harder than the duties as a mother to my
children. I took care of my mother because she took care
of me. I imagine it took your mother, your father, your
sister, and maybe several cousins to keep you on course.
You know if you get sick that I'll be the first one to
take care of you, nurture you, and help you however I can.
But be assured I'll also be the one to kick your behind
and get you back in gear. I know that you will hire someone
nice to watch over me while you read, go to movies, and
go out to eat. Will he look like Blake Shelton or Adam Levine?
This is just part of the pact that I knew existed when we got
married. But in all seriousness I, too, have watched how you
treat your Mother and your children. You are good about
calling your mother everyday, and visiting every
weekend and I think you do all of that not only because
you are responsible but because you truly love your mother
and your father. I know if I get sick in any way that you
will be there or send someone to take care of me
(either Blake or Adam...doesn't matter).

This Highfaluting Marriage

He Said She Said – April 2012 This Highfaluting Marriage

He Said

Someone once told me to marry above my raising.
I was not sure what that meant then but I am starting
to see what it means now. It means marry someone prettier,
richer, and smarter than me. I think with you
I have done just that. I don’t think a day goes
by when I am not reminded that I have done something else
wrong, or it is not proper, or something just plain gets on
your last nerve.

I don’t know how many nerves you have in your body, but
I am sure that we are getting close to the end in this first
year of marriage. By the time we die you will be void of
any nerves at all and will be working on just plain common sense.

The latest snafu for me is going out to a restaurant with
you and being told as we left the premises that I was the only
person you had ever met in your life that eats fish with his
hands. We are not talking about boiled fish. We are not talking
scallops and we are not talking about baked fish covered with
all that red stuff.

We are talking the all-American deliciously fried fish and chips.
As I explained to you , cutting into a battered fried piece of
fish with a two inch crust is just going to make that crust
come apart and fling itself all over the plate. You are left
with just a piece of white fish with no coating. Who can eat that?

I did a little experiment the next day. I went to a local fast food
fish place and there were a total of 10 tables with couples eating
fish. Nine out of the ten tables had customers picking up their fried
fish and eating it with their hands. So much for highfaluting. As I
told you before, a piece of fried fish is like a piece of fried
chicken. How many people do you see using a knife and fork to eat a
chicken leg?

She Said

So you think you married above your raising? That must
be a southern phrase; you know all of my relatives are from
the north and I'm not used to that one. Let me guess... if you
marry someone equal to you,that means you can eat
with your fingers, wipe your mouth with your shirt sleeve,
put your elbows on the table, and slurp your soup?

Honestly, I wasn't criticizing you when you were eating
FRIED fish with your fingers...I just never saw that before.
Fish and chicken are two different foods to me and there is a
bone to hold on to with chicken but fish bones don't offer much
support. As far as getting on my last nerve goes: if it hasn't
happened in 50 years, it probably isn't going to. Funny thing
about your little experiment. You probably went to a fast food
fish establishment at lunch time when people were hurrying
to get back to work. The EVENING I said something to you
about eating with your fingers, we were at a seafood restaurant
just a step above your lunch time delight. But just this once,
I'll let it go.You explained the part about the breading on
the fish and how much damage your fork would do to it and I
wouldn't spoil your fun for all of the fish in the ocean!!!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Teaching Behavioral Modifications

He Said She Said

He Said

One of the reasons (among many) that you and I didn't
date in high school was because you thought I was a hooligan.
Well, I was...and I wasn't. I did enjoy the occasional prank.
I did enjoy questioning my teachers if I thought they were wrong.
And I did enjoy my occasional nap while in the classroom. If
that makes me a hooligan, then I am guilty as charged. All of
this leads me to the behavioral modifications of yesteryear
and today's conduct rules. When you come home from school
and tell me some of the behavior problems you
encounter today, it sounds far more serious than the trivial
shenanigans that I use to pull in school. I got sent home
for three days suspension because I wouldn't comb my hair
to the teachers' liking. I told her that if she would comb
out that bun on top of her head, then I would stop wearing
my hair like the Beatles. Back to the office I went. If a
student throws a chair at another student in your
class, he/she may get In School Suspension. I got into a
fight one time and the principal spanked me with a paddle.
Then when I got home,I got spanked by my father, my mother,
and probably my sister. Today, the punishment would be less
severe. None of this is your fault of course because of the
guidelines you have to follow but when I hear stories like this,
I think that if I was a teacher, the students
wouldn't get away with so much.


One visit with me and they would behave all year long.

She Said

Aretha Franklin, where are you? R E S P E C T !!! The major
ingredient missing in the classroom today that was alive and
well in your day is respect. Many of the students who
misbehave today haven't been taught to respect their parents,
or themselves so why should they respect their teachers or the
rules set before them? You use to be a teachers' worst nightmare
because you were so defiant and it's ironic today when you
explain to me exactly why students are so belligerent
and what makes then tick. You should know. The principal had
a paddle with your name on it and it even had holes in it so
he could swing harder and faster. Teachers would end up in
court today for abuse.Freedom of speech is a whole new ball
game in today's climate. A large majority of students don't
see anything wrong with talking back to teachers because they
are allowed to get away with it at home. They don't do homework
simply because they don't want to but in our day, we were
afraid NOT to do our homework. (Maybe I should speak for myself).
I've heard you say that if you taught school today, you
wouldn't have any behavior problems because you would calmly
"discuss their options" and give them a choice.
WELL, BRING IT ON!! You'd probably end up in
ISS yourself for abandoning school rules in favor of your own.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Where is the love?

He Said She Said Showcase February 2012 Where is the Love?

He Said

The new year is off to a good start and then, “wham”, February hits and once again it is time to talk about “love”. I think about all the different kinds of love that people go through so naturally I think about you and me. We met in high school, stayed friends all these many years, went through all kinds of trials and tribulations in other relationships, put our high school reunions together every five years, and celebrated all the growth in our children's lives. I even think about growing up without pets in my life and then coming into your life and discovering the love of a dog. Not a deep love, mind you, but an acceptance of having a pet in your life. I understand your need of course, because the dog doesn't talk back so you don't have to listen to her opinions ad nauseum. But you do spend a great deal of time talking to her, feeding her, walking her, and worrying about why she sometimes doesn't eat. Now I am not jealous of your dog per se, but I have not learned to love her with the same depth of feeling that you have. Since we are talking about “love” this month, I just wonder if love that we feel for each other is as deep as the love we feel for other things in our lives...for instance, FOOD. I do love food. For me I love food more than the dog. I don't love food more than you, of course, although country style steak and mashed potatoes sure are scrumptious. I guess the love of bread and soda's, french fries and other gastronomical delights can't really be considered the same kind of love as the love of a human or even a pet. I just want to be fair and make sure we don't forget the love of other things that are important. We shouldn't be self centered when it comes to love; we should share the limelight. LOVE equals FOOD, er, um I mean, LOVE equals YOU.

She Said
Leave it to you to work in your spiel, all the creature comforts that surround you. Yes, you mentioned our love one time, and you skirted around the love of Sophie (whom you refer to as our pet. she's more like our child). If the truth be known you probably “love” your country ham biscuits more than Sophie or me. You would probably rather have a hot dog from Yum Yum and a chocolate ice cream cone than me. So if you want to know some of the things I love, let's see. I really love to redecorate and remodel the house. In fact, there are so many coats of paint on the walls, that I'm sure the house is smaller than when I bought it. I love to sew and I want to learn to knit. I love snorkeling, traveling, and bargain shopping. Notice that I didn't mention food or eating. My New Years Resolution is to eat to live, not vice versa.I can see that you are growing more fond of food as the years go by and the sight doesn't look very pretty. I appreciate good food also, but I do know how to temper myself. You writing about your love of food and trying to equate it with February isn't really endearing to me or our relationship. Maybe I should step back and take a better look at what you say you love and help you get your priorities in order; I promise you that Krispy Kreme doughnuts will be way on down the list.That first priority should be loving me with all your heart even if you are starving to death, after all I married you until death we do part. Pastor Joe didn't say that you should eat yourself to death, he said you should honor and obey me until death we do part. I don't want you to leave early from overeating.
Are you feeling the love yet?
Happy Valentine's Day

Monday, January 16, 2012

Nightmare at Our House

He Said She Said Jan.2012 Nightmare at Our House

He Said

It’s four o'clock in the morning and I’m sleeping like a baby. Suddenly I hear groaning, whining, and loud breathing, simultaneously. I’m not worried about being knifed, shot, or robbed. I’m worried that you have awakened with another one of your nightmares. Most people dream and occasionally have scary dreams but you have some really weird activities going on in your head while the rest of the world in trying to sleep. You are the only person that I know of who has realistic dreams, realistic to you, anyway. When you awaken and start berating me because of what you dream I start to get just a little worried and a lot paranoid. Number one, I am not the cause of the problems in your dream process but for some reason I get the blame. This latest one takes the cake and I hope you don't mind if I share it. You came back from the bathroom at 4 AM and I asked if you were all right. In a dejected voice, you told me that you were mad at me. Now this isn’t good to hear at 4:00 in the afternoon, let along 4:00 in the morning. “What did I do”, I asked innocently. “You told me you didn't love me any more and that you were leaving”. “Oh” I said. “What did you do that made me want to leave?” I had to stifle a laugh when you told me that I left you because I was jealous of your TV. You must be feeling guilty because you would rather watch TV than spend time alone with me. You know I don’t like most TV programs and I’d rather both of us spend time talking or reading so in order to compensate for your guilt, you manufactured this ridiculous dream to blame me for it. No matter how much I tried to explain that this dream wasn’t real, I couldn’t convince you of it. You kept saying that it seemed so real. I can hardly wait for the next dream to see what I’m going to be blamed for next.

She Said

First of all, I’m completely aware of the fact that dreams aren’t real. But that doesn’t keep me from being angry with you for doing something to trigger the thoughts precipitating a nightmare. Who else can get into my psyche like you do? Remember last month when we were at the Institute viewing the Christmas trees with a friend of mine and you ran into a former neighbor? We were across the room from you and your friend asked which one was your wife. I had on a white sweater and she had on a red one; without hesitating, you said the one wearing the red sweater and you didn't bother to explain. So that night you dreampt that an old girlfriend ran off with your best friend. Serves you right for that dry sense of humor you constantly exhibit. If you would just let me come home from work, relax, go out to dinner, and get to bed early with no outside interference, maybe I wouldn't go to sleep all keyed up and anxious. That anxiety is more than likely what causes nightmares. As long as we’re talking about dreams/ nightmares, I particularly liked the one you had about Sophie and you profess not to even like dogs. You have to admit, she's an awesome dog who has won you over. She gets all wiggly and excited just looking at you so if that isn't reality, I don't know what is. The good thing about when you dream though is that you’re able to keep quiet enough for me to sleep through them. In your case, your dreams are probably triggered by something on TRU TV or one of those shows that you watch on that thing that you don't like CALLED A TELEVISION. I guess one thing is for certain, sleeping with each other is never dull just a new dimension for us old timers

Noisy Marriage - December 2011

He Said

Naysayers have been exhorting “How is your first year of marriage?” Tongue in cheek, of course, when what they really want to ask is “Are you still married?” Now, I’m not too sure about the reason for this question except that sometimes I do get a little explicit with information about our relationship. As I have told some people, “Yes, we are still married” and “No, she is not trying to have it annulled...yet.” When they ask me how it has been I always tell them it is wonderful. We should have gotten married long ago. They laugh; I laugh and all is well. However, when I start thinking about it,

there are a couple of small details that could probably be worked on if I’m totally honest. After all, I think that communication is the secret to all successful relationships so I will try to communicate a few minor infractions without upsetting you. Just remember these are all positive suggestions not quirks about you per se and it will only make our marriage stronger!

Your alarm clatters at 4:45 AM and it awakens me before it even begins to arouse you. You get dressed, walk the dog, take her downstairs and get on that infernal elliptical machine with the morning news blaring. I DON’T CARE WHO DID WHAT TO WHOM AT 4:45 AM! Then you come upstairs and take a shower. I guess it’s soap or whatever you drop but it sounds like an earthquake behind the curtain or maybe you’ve slipped and fallen down in the tub. Could you do it a little quieter? When you finally turn the water off, it’s time for the loudest hairdryer ever manufactured. And those curlers must be made of steel because when you drop one in the sink, it vibrates the whole vanity. Now it’s time for your makeup and I bet you open and close the drawer two dozen times before you’re finished. I promise you, you’re not that homely so what are you trying to cover up? As if that isn’t enough, when you drop something on the floor, you groan when you bend over to pick it up; I’ve heard Sophie howl with less noise.

At the risk of suffering your wrath, could you please pacify me by going in another room to get ready so I can have my beauty sleep?

She Said

Oh, I can go in another room all right. In fact, I tried to do just that over the summer and you said “No, it’s too much trouble to move everything”. It’s just like you to negate one of my suggestions just so you can whine about it. Communication must be some new revelation if you’ve practiced it in the past because you’ve had too many failed relationships for it to work. Let’s take this little by little. First of all, I have to get up at 4:45 if I am to accomplish my daily routine and get to school on time. You could get up at the same time, go downstairs with me, and use the Bowflex while I’m on the elliptical. You could use some toning, you know. Then we could both get ready for work at the same time, eat breakfast (guess who cooks every morning?) and hustle off to work with more energy than you can imagine. About my hairdryer…I’ve tried closing the door and it feels like a steam room so my make up starts dripping. I’ll save the response for what I’m trying to cover up for later.

Just a side note…do you remember when I surprised you last year by putting up a Christmas tree in the bedroom with colored lights just for you? Don’t hold your breath this year and I can promise you

the sound of Christmas carols will not be heard in the bedroom this December.

Merry Christmas everyone from Larry and Dena.

Setting Me Up for the Fall - November 2011

He Said

Fall weather is finally here and most people are happy that the summer heat is over and winter is right around the corner. Everyone is happy except for me. I am hiding behind every nook and cranny from you because I know what is coming. You will start talking about the beautiful yellow and orange leaves on the trees in our yard. I will start cringing at the idea that someone is going to have to rake all of these bad boy leaves up and I just hope it isn't going to be me. You will start complaining about it getting dark earlier and you can't go for a walk around the block. I will look at you with my big old brown eyes as sad as a puppy dog, while my mind is thinking "yay, I get to keep her in the house with me." You will start asking me to go on Stubhub every night to find the cheapest prices on football tickets for next weeks' UVA game and I will go online to the weather station praying for a forecast of rain. You will start hinting about what everyone would like for Christmas and I will start complaining about how the bills are piling up. You will start whining about the grass getting dry and complaining because you didn't get to cut it all winter and I will be thanking God that I didn't have to hear the deafening noise of that lawnmower. It disturbs me while I'm sitting on the porch trying to read a good book, you know. You will be looking out of the picture window in the living room hoping that any day it will snow and I will be trying to find a good place to hide the snow shovel. Yes, we both love the fall and winter...BUT for very different reasons.

She Said

It's a good thing that opposites attract because that's about the most pessimistic paragraph I've ever read. But then, look who wrote it. I keep telling you that your glass should be half full instead of half empty but you don't believe me. I love the fact that we have four seasons, even though sometimes they melt into each other with little or no difference. By the time I'm tired of one season, the next one comes along. In the fall, there are so many events to look forward to. Beautiful leaves, fall festivals, craft shows and a new crop of students are just a few of the changes that occur each year. Yes, it gets dark earlier and I can't go on long walks as easily but I can still exercise at home and it also gives me time to work on my "bucket list" that you discussed in Sunday School one day. I know you don't particularly like attending sports' events but I do need to remind you that when you are at such an event, YOU DO NOT LIKE TO BE INTERRUPTED. (You have a one track mind). As far as Christmas goes, since we each have our own adult children, we do our own thing so that shouldn't give rise to "bills piling up". Now to the lawnmower...it's broken so you certainly won't have to listen to it any more. Maybe I should generate a quiz on what ever book you say you're reading now to prove that it's just possible that you're sleeping instead of reading and that's the real reason why the lawnmower disturbs you. Yes, I do have my nose pressed against the window hoping for snow though because it cleanses the universe, leaving an immaculate white coat over all of God's creations leaving behind a peaceful silence.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Fancy Restaurants

He Said She Said Showcase Magazine October 2011

He Said

I know you would like for me to be a bit more classy
and a suave and debonair person. Probably not
going to happen. I was brought up as a country
guy and lived the simple life all my life. I have
traveled some and although I have not been in as
many countries as you, I have probably eaten in
as many restaurants as you. As an observation I
have noticed one thing that is certain in restaurants.
The higher the price you pay, the less food that
you get on your plate. It is quality versus quantity.
I will say that the plate is prettier with green
sprouts distributed everywhere on the plate,
usually covering your food. The name of what
you are eating can be green beans, but you are
guaranteed at the fancy restaurants,they will
be calling it something else, preferably something
in french. The service most of the time is going
to be outstanding. You never have to ask for a
glass of water, because every time you take a
swallow, someone is there filling you glass to
the brim. The table is always beautifully decorated
with fancy utensils and immaculate stemware.
What I have always found in every expensive restaurant
is that you get very little food, normally it
has no taste, or has a foreign taste that leaves
a sour taste in your mouth. You pay three times
what you pay for a regular meal because of all
the ambiance. I will continue to take you to the
fancy restaurants because I want to please you
and you seem to feel comfortable in those surroundings.
I would just ask you to understand that when
I want to go a reasonably priced, good home cooked
meal restaurant it is because that was what I was
raised on and what I prefer. If I could only get
them to change the names of the food , add some
candle light, that could satisfy the both of us.


She Said

You can take the man out of the country, but you
can't take the country out of the man. I understand
from your perspective everything that you are saying.
We don't always agree and I understand that also.
You and I were raised in the same city, same
environment, same neighborhood, and same economically
family standards. You have elected to stay in that
situation because that is your comfort zone. I can
respect that, but what I have tried to teach you
all my life, is that there is a different lifestyle
that you could learn to appreciate. I really do
not believe in your case that that is true, but on
paper it sure does sound good. No, you are in a
“it has always been like that, I eat what I like mood”,
and no one on God's green earth is going to
convince you otherwise. I don't mind eating at the
country places that cost little money, the waitresses
have to work there and would rather be somewhere else,
and the food is piled so high that gravy is dripping
off the side of the plate. The cholesterol count
is so high that your veins start showing as soon
as you walk in and continues for days. You always
have to have dessert in these places, usually
consisting of banana pudding or cake of the day,
only adding to your weight gain. The waitresses
usually call you honey or darling and you always
smile because even though you are over a hundred
years of age, you think they are flirting with you.
I am happy that we can eat in the “fancy”
restaurants as you like to call them, because I
do enjoy the ambiance and I also enjoy eating out
with friends who appreciate the finer things in
life...not that you don't appreciate the finer
things in life, after all you did marry me.(lol)

Monday, September 5, 2011

Diet's..His and Hers

He Said She Said      Showcase Magazine. September 2011
He Said
Every time we have a big event in our future, the old
proverbial diet raises it's ugly head. Last month
while having a casual breakfast of eggs, pancakes,
sausage, bacon, toast, and orange juice,  you looked
over at me while (I had a mouth full of toast and jelly,)
and dropped the good news....you are going on a diet,
AGAIN. We go through this quite often during the year and
you would think that I would learn to just let it go.
But no, I had to get involved. I do like a good challenge
and this seemed like the opportune time to share with you
how men can rise to the occasion simply by sheer will power.
There is a wedding taking place in October and you wanted
to look your best. Tip top shape you said. I can be a
slacker, but I, too, don"t want to look too shabby, so
being the gentleman that I am, I offered to help you.
But "No"  you said. You had joined a popular weight loss
program online and this would help you lose weight.
Trying to be frugal, I ask you how much are you paying.
When you told me, I offered to help you lose the weight
that you wanted to lose for half that price, and you didn't
have to figure points, write down numbers, or answer
to anyone but me.
You, being the smarter of the two of us, decided that you
would just stay in charge of your own domain without any
help from me. So, as of the first week, you had lost five
pounds and paid for the pleasure of doing so, and I had
lost five pounds, not costing me a dime. Maybe you should
have listened to the old weight guru, instead of falling
for that scam on the internet.
She Said
If I listened to the old weight guru, I'd weigh 300 pounds.
"Let's get an ice cream sundae from Bubba's, let's go to
Greensboro and see if the "HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW" sign is on,
Is Yum, Yum still open?, I need a Snickers, Thirsty? How
about some Raspberry tea?" and on and on you go. Usually
(unless you're trying to prove a point) if you want it,
you eat it. Most of the time it doesn't show up on your
hips. Men are lucky that way; it only shows up around their
middle. Of course if you don't want to look nine months
pregnant, you still need to watch your intake, whether
it's points or calories.  I have known you most of my life
and I have seen your diets. No offense but they don't work.
Yes, you give up soft drinks and candy for a few weeks,
lose some water weight, go around bragging about how you
lost all this weight. and then fall back into your old
habits. So tell me, dear, if your weight lost program works
so well, why are you on a diet now? If you're the weight
loss guru, why do you look like you swallowed a watermelon?

I am paying very little for what will hopefully be
successful. You will lose ten pounds, brag for a few
days and then continue drinking soft drinks and pressing
your nose and both hands against the Krispy Kreme door
until they open. Meanwhile, my plan will help me embrace
a change in healthier eating habits so I will not only
look acceptable in the October wedding, but also for
Thanksgiving and Christmas. I will say one thing for your
diet though. You will save money. I could make my mortgage
payment with what you spend on soft drinks and candy.
So we're off and running and may the best ----- win!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Dog Days of Summer

He Said She Said Showcase Magazine August 2011 Dog Days of Summer Larry and Dena
He Said
It's August, summer school is over, your youngest son
has left the nest, all of the furniture in the house has
been moved and a new school year has begun for you this year.
This is just a recap of the first summer I spent with you
as my beloved wife. I imagine that your take on this summer
will be quite different from mine but that is why we share
our lives with our readers. First off, you spent the summer
teaching summer school. So much for building a relationship
because it meant that for the first six weeks of the summer
I was on my own. You went to school at the regular time, 
your students left at one and you stayed at school until
two or three making lesson plans for the next day. Then
you came home to catch up on all the work you had missed
because you were teaching. Summertime to me would mean
taking three months off of teaching, sitting around
drinking tea, and catching up on reading or visiting
friends. This is what I would like for you to do. Your
idea is painting the spare bedroom, moving all the
furniture from one room to the other, throwing away
all of the things that YOU don't need, (what about
the things that I need?) and putting everything else
in a pile for a someday yard sale, which you hate.
Everything that was mine in our bedroom was put into
a Walmart plastic bag and dumped in the spare room.
Everything that was yours was either put into your seven
closets or into one of your twenty three drawers
throughout three bedrooms. You did graciously give
me two drawers for my socks, underwear and whatever
else I might get to keep. As I told someone
at lunch the other day, yes marriage is o.k, but all
those rules that you had when we were dating, that
were not enforced, have now started being enforced.
She Said

I wish your glass was half full instead of half empty.
I do all of the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning,
mowing grass, etc., while you play on your computer
and read. 
You had better be glad that I don't take the time to
tell you what I think you should be doing over the
summer. I will say, though, that the same life you
been living for sixty plus years didn't change this
past year. I'm not saying you're a creature of habit,
but the world could set their clocks by how you live
your life. You get up in the morning, say hello to
all your facebook friends, whine about a dream you
had overnight, or how your hair looks, eat breakfast,
go to work, come home, read your book, eat dinner,
go on facebook, eat a snack, complain about being
fat, go to bed and start the whole procedure all 
over again seven days a week. On Sunday you change
it up a little when we go to church.  I am not
complaining. I married you for your.....well, I
don't remember why I married you, but I married
you in spite of your thrilling life style. Don't
get me wrong, I am not unhappy, except when you
complain or whine about my habits, like cleaning
the house, or painting, redecorating the house,
or washing my car, or giving the dog a bath. To
me these are just daily routines. To you, this
is a chore that takes me away from spending time 
with you. I am thinking about getting you a nanny,
so I won't feel so guilty when I am doing my little
jobs around the house. The problem is I'd have to
worry about you turning her into a messy person
and then I'd have two people to clean up after.
Maybe I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and vent
my frustrations through this column. I get more
sympathy that way anyway.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

One Hot Puppy

He Said She Said July Showcase 2011

He Said

Let me just say in the beginning that I failed summer camp.
Life outdoors is just not my cup of tea.

Having said that I will now tell you a tale about the
hottest times of my life. I mean this literally.

You asked me to go to your son's graduation which I was
more than happy to do. You know that I am always supportive
of you and your children. What you failed to mention to me
or maybe I just did not comprehend at the moment, was that
this event was to be held OUTDOORS! It also was a complete
weekend of out doors events, like a cookout on Saturday,
and the event ALL DAY Sunday.

You might have mentioned that walking two hundred miles
from the parking garage to the grounds would also be outside,
with no tram or trolley to carry us. You might have
mentioned that the event would last for four hours but I
don't remember it. You might have mentioned that the second
event, which was two hours away, would also have to be ON FOOT.
You could not have known that the temperature would be in
the 150 degree range with no wind....Oh well, I survived.
The following weekend was your son's wedding and what a
beautiful occasion it was. Your wedding rehearsal dinner
was fantastic (also partially OUTSIDE). Everyone had a
great time except one. I'll give you a hint.

Your idea of having everyone gather by the lake for wine
and cheese was well received.

The only one complaining about the 90+ degree weather was me.
The wedding also was beautiful and for some reason I had
forgotten that it too was going to be OUTSIDE.

Now I am not complaining, (much) but that was two
RIDICULOUSLY HOT TIMES for me. I did all of that to
be a part of the family and enjoy all the festivities
and I don't regret it. But the third weekend of going
with you to Smith Mountain Lake with one of our classmates
was the straw that broke the camels back. We rode in our
friends' pontoon in 120 degree weather and you didn't even
notice that I was just a shadow of my former self.
I plan to spend the rest of the summer in air conditioned
comfort and I hope that you can join me. Don't forget
marriage is a give and take proposition and I will give
you anything you want if you'll let me stay indoors the
rest of the summer.

She Said

You always told me that life with you might not always be easy.
So far you have been right. But this time you have taken it to
the extreme. A couple of weekends outside in the heat didn't
kill you or make you sick and I'm becoming immune to your
whining. We can't predict the weather and yes it was
a tad hot but so far out of thousands of people at the
graduation and hundreds of people over the wedding weekend,
you have been the biggest whiner of all. I know you don't
like the warmth and rays of the sun like other normal people,
and if the temperature is over fifty five, you complain.
What I can't understand is why you want to go to the beach
every other weekend, and why you spend time looking on the
internet for deals on beachfront property, and why you are
always talking about buying a place at the beach. Just to
let you in on a little secret, the beach is HOT!. The beach
is always HOT!.

When we went to Smith Mountain Lake to meet our old friend
and go boating, you not only looked at two places to buy,
you also talked to one to the owners, long distant, and
told our friend you were going to the bank that week to see
about financial arrangements. ( Did I miss something or had
the sun taken its toll on you that day?) Did they air condition
the whole lake? If you're planning on buying a place for
the summer, and one of them came with a pontoon boat, I
suspect that you should rethink your idea of staying inside
all summer or think twice about buying a place at the beach or
lake. Both of them are OUTSIDE. You can't float a pontoon in
the house. As usual you are thinking sideways and all I can
say is you are one lucky man to have me guide you in your
illogical thinking. Matter of fact you should be happy that
I am willing to give you directions when you get sidetracked
from your normal pattern of living, especially if you're
serious about the lake or the beach.

You do good to find your way home after work...although
the air conditioner is probably like a siren beckoning you home..

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Pet Peeves

He Said
Did you ever notice that after you get married your life
changes slowly but surely?  I'm not  whining now like I
always do, I'm just reporting on the day to day changes
that I see. I'm not picking on you and these are not
pet peeves...yet. Life as a married person puts you in
the marriage mode. Everyone knows about it, but not  
many people talk about it for fear of causing hurt
feelings or exploding anger. You know I have described
it many times while we were dating.  Little habits
become annoying and are greatly magnified when you're
with each other 24-7. I won't take the time to list
all of them now because I would run out of paper. But
let's just say that I have noticed them more frequently
since committing to the Holy State of Matrimony.
Maybe we take advantage of each other since we've
captured the prize, the chase is over, and we are
stuck with what we thought we wanted. That may sound
a little harsh, so let me restate it. After getting
married the little things that use to mean so much to
one another, now take a back seat to other endeavors.
So how do we fix this problem? First of all we have
to recognize it as being a problem. Maybe I should
call it a situation so I don't land in the dog house. 
However, situations could escalate if they are not
addressed. How vague is that? For example, having a
TV in the kitchen is one of my pet peeves. When an
interesting story comes on, all I can hear is water
running, pans banging around, rattling paper, the
dog barking, or SOMEONE standing in front of the
screen so I can't see the latest crook being discussed
by the news anchor. Now this wouldn't necessarily
cause the demise of the marriage but could get annoying
if the pattern was followed forever without complaint.
That's where I come in. 
She Said
Hmmm...marriage mode, did you say? That sounds so
negative. I thought you liked being married. Yes,
things do change when two people make that commitment.
For you, now you have someone to do your laundry,
cook, clean, do yard work, minor household repairs...
do you want me to continue? When my youngest son
left for college, I didn't have to go home after
work and fix dinner, do laundry, housework, stay
on a tight schedule, etc.,to be sure life was running
smoothly. I only had to take care of myself. I could
go for a long walk, go shopping, take in a movie,
chat on the phone, whatever I felt like doing at
the moment. So in that way, life has changed for
me also. I feel responsible for doing all of those
wifey things for you but the difference is that I
don't whine about it. I really don't mind housework,
laundry, cooking, etc., it's just finding enough time
in the day to get it all done without SOMEONE
complaining about how I manage my time. So if
standing in front of the TV while I'm preparing
dinner is your biggest problem, then I think you've
won the lottery...maybe not in dollars but in happiness.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Pride or Just Cheap?

He Said

Here is the deal. I have no pride. I don't mow my grass enough.
The inside of my car is a wreck.
I never spend enough time cleaning my house. I never seem to
care about anything ...she says.
One thing about writing this column is that it gives us a chance
to explore the inside and the outside of each others' personality
traits. I know you are a neat freak because I say it  every month.
That's your personality but it isn't mine.  While living in New
York, if I wanted to eat a hot dog for lunch, I just went out on
the street, walked up to the hot dog vendor, bought a hot dog
and ate it right on the street corner. If people saw me it did
not matter to me. I wanted a kosher hot dog for lunch.
I was usually in a three piece suit.
I can't think of many things that I won't do because I'm afraid 
that people might be judging me.
You would say that I don't care or that I don't have any pride.

What is pride? To me, pride is when you try to impress your
friends or uppity people around you who are trying to impress you.
I go into a department store looking for a shirt that DOESN'T
have a trade name sewn on the pocket because I don't need to
impress my friends with a shirt that I bought and overpaid for.
Some people are in the store looking for a designer shirt so they
can pay twice the price to impress their
friends and family. That just isn't me.

I am telling you all of this because I told you on a Sunday that
I wanted to get a hot dog for lunch, and you suggested that I
get a box to go. I guess you didn't want to be seen standing
up eating a hot dog in Sunday dress and heels. You didn't have
to say it, but the inference was clear “I don't care where I eat
but I don't want to be seen eating a hot dog at a hot dog place
on Sunday.”
As I said in the beginning, I must not have very much pride.
Imagine eating a hot dog, in public, where everyone can see.
What is the world coming to?  
I have a plan. Next time I will go to a fancy restaurant, ask
for a to go box, buy my hot dog and put it in the box. Then I
can pretend I am eating food from the "fancy place" when actually
I get to eat what I really want. See, I do have pride. It just works differently from yours.

She Said

I am really surprised that you can even spell the word Pride,
much less define it. It is not so much that you don't have any
pride. We have had to come home from a restaurant because a
speck of spaghetti sauce got on the front of your shirt and
you wouldn't go out in a public place because you were so 
concerned that someone might see that little speck of red.
That's pride; I'm glad you're particular about your appearance. 
As far as the hot dog episode, if the truth is known, I was not
really in the mood for a hot dog that day. With you, it doesn't
matter how much food cost as long as you get what you want.
You don't like burned food (sometimes it's just a little brown,
to me). You like a LOT of ice in your drinks.
You want all of your food to be hot at the same time.
You don't want the table next to you who arrived AFTER you
to be served BEFORE YOU. I can accept all of these personality
quirks as long as you don't make me stand up and eat a hot dog
dressed in church clothes.  
I understand your need to search for hours for a shirt that has
no name on the pocket to prove some kind of point. Maybe that
is reverse pride, so you don't have to be part of the crowd who
wants the best of everything, or maybe you don't understand
that they feel that the quality of a better known shirt will
wear longer.
Whatever the case, I am tired of trying to be your mother all
the time so the next time you want to eat a hot dog for a Sunday
lunch, feel free to do so. But when we drive up to the fancy
restaurant to get your to go box, just let me out and come
pick me up later. 
For me it is not about pride. For me it is eating a hot meal
that will sustain me until dinner, with atmosphere, ambiance
and people surrounding me with taste and charm.

You think you have all of that with your hot dog place.
My taste runs just a tad differently from yours.

I call it pride, you call it fancy or snooty.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Joe Hill - A Special Angel

A Special Angel – Joe Hill
For nearly fourteen years Danville and Pittsylvania County
was blessed to be in the presence of a special young man,
Joseph Bradie Hill, known as Joe. He imparted a cheerful
disposition with his perception of how life should be lived.
Joe had a contagious laugh and sense of humor that he shared
with everyone he met. In fact, people were drawn to Joe
because of his laughter and sense of humor. Joe was like a
magnet that could eliminate the doldrums by drawing his
friends into his world of kindness, sincerity, and
caring attitude.
The depth of gratitude shown by this remarkable teenager to
all of the people in his life is immeasurable. How many
thirteen year old children would apologize to their parents
because he had become sick? I don’t know many adults who have
the capacity to exhibit that much compassion to others while
suffering from their own physical affliction, but Joe did.
Joe enjoyed life by playing sports, telling stories and making
everyone around him feel special.
The truth is that he was the special one. Joe was a shining
light for others to follow. He lit up a room when he walked
through the door and I always loved that infectious smile
of his. His many friends are a testament to his loving
personality by writing  such wonderful tributes to a peer
who led by example or brought beauty into their lives with
his attitude. He was always helpful and always putting others
before himself. Joe leaves all of us with memories of a
Special Angel whom God gave to the world for thirteen short
Joe, we thank you for these memories, for the laughter and the joy
you brought to each and every one of us through your kindred spirit.
I’m sure you are sitting at the Masters feet today telling Him of your
stories and antics here on earth and making Him laugh as you made
all of us laugh. Thank you, Joe, for touching our hearts in such a
unique way.
You leave us yearning for more of your friendship, more of your
dedication to bringing joy into other peoples’ lives.
All of us are better human beings because of the influence of one
special angel named Joe Hill.
Dena Hill and Larry Oldham  -
Larry and I were deeply touched by the
extraordinary life of Joe Hill.
Instead of our regular He Said She Said
column we wanted to share a tribute
to our friend. If you knew Joe, you know
why we are doing this. If you didn’t know Joe,
we wanted to share our feelings and our
deep sense of loss with you.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Kisses and Ice Cream

March 2011 Showcase Magazine

He Said

First of all let me say that “Yes I am happily married”.
Secondly let me say that you and I do not know each other
as well as we thought we did. After coming in third in
our attempt to play the “Newlywed Game” , it is obvious
that life as we know it is not life as we know it.
When I was asked who you most reminded me of and the
choices were Doris Day or Elizabeth Taylor , to me this
was a no brainer. You are classy, beautiful looking, and
have the grace of Elizabeth. Your answer was Doris Day.
I do have to give you credit though. When they ask
me what I thought you would say to the question ,”what
does Larry have too much of”? And you answered “Charisma”,
I thought that was a great answer thank you very much.
Now what I am going to suggest is that we sit down one day
and just go over all the answers that we may be ask if
we ever play the Newlywed Game again. Not that we ever
will mind you, it is just a way to be prepared. Sort of
like the Boy Scouts...always prepared. This should not
take too long as we can go back over the years we have
been writing this column and find most of the answers.
I knew when we started the game that we never agree on
anything so we probably would lose and we did. I think
of us as being winners in so many other ways that it
did not bother me to lose. We did get a gift card to
Stone Cold Creamery and I did get two kisses while we
were playing.
Ice Cream and Kisses....life don't get too much better than this.

She Said

Now I know why I love you so much. I don't want to call
you simple, but when all it takes to satisfy a man is
Ice Cream and Kisses, my role as a wife is going to be
pretty easy. Then reality strikes me and I remember you
are going to come home from work and ask me “what is for
supper”, I am going to have to bring the trash cans from
the front to the back because even though you parked in
the driveway, probably had to get out of your car to
move the trash cans, and still could not remember to
bring them around to the back. I will start to remember
all the times I will have to wash your clothes ,fold them,
put them in your drawers, and hang up fresh towels in the
bathroom for you when you shower. I will have to go to
the grocery store and buy the food, and then tote them
home and put them up in the cabinets. I will have to
wash all the dishes and put them up in the cabinets so
I will have clean dishes in the morning to fix your
breakfast. I will have to vacuum and dust the furniture
so the house is clean when your mother comes to visit.
I will do all of this , plus mow the yard, because I
chose to marry the man of my dreams who I can feed ice
cream to and give an occasional kiss. I would say I
am one of the luckiest girls in the world because you
chose me to do all these things for you.
You better be glad I like kissing and Ice cream.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

We Said or Yes Dear?

Showcase Magazine February 2011

He Said

Well it finally happened. After knowing you for 46 years,
dating you for 12 years, being engaged for 10 years , you
finally agreed to marry me and now I can remember our
wedding date because we got married at 9 am on Christmas Eve.
How does that change for the readers? Probably not much
difference because we were always together anyway so our
lives were pretty much entwined. But how has it changed
for me since we got married? Am I allowed to say?. Before,
when I was single, I could just about get away with anything.
Now I have got to answer to someone else. That would be
you in case you are wondering. Since getting married I
have been given a list of things that I cannot write about.
I have been told there are certain limits to just about
any and everything that I do now. I am not saying that
marriage stagnates me, but let's just say I am not the
same man I was last month. I should mention at this point
that it is February , the month of love, so at this
point I should mention that I love my wife very much.
That would be you in case you forgot. I am being very
careful to stay on neutral ground here because I do
not want to get in trouble the in the first writing of
the first column since becoming wedded. (Is that a word?.)
So I hope I am still in your good graces and since the
marriage has lasted about a month and a few days, I
feel like we can stay married forever. I still think we
should call the column the same name but most of my
friends are telling me that we should change it to either
“WE SAID” or “YES DEAR”. What do you think, Honey?

She Said

What do I think? I think that from last month to this
month everything is the same except now we can wear the
rings that we bought ten years ago, that you locked in
your Bank Deposit box ten years ago , that I haven't
seen since ten years ago. We should have gotten married
if for anything, so that I could see my ring. Of course
I probably shouldn't tell the readers that you lost the
key and had to have your box drilled at the bank, costing
you big dollars you said, precluding us from going on a
honeymoon, unless you are counting supper at Sonic Burger.
All right I am just kidding about that part, you did take
me to Martinsville. Getting married to you in a private
ceremony was the only way I could figure to keep you from
cutting up at the wedding, eating too much cake, hugging
every woman in the church, and inviting all your friends
from Atlanta to New York. The time was right, the mood
was right, and honestly I had run out of excuses to give
you.(LOL). Now that we are married I have not given you
any new rules to abide by. I just expect you to follow
the old rules and keep obeying them or you will find
yourself writing this column with your sister.I like the
idea of marriage and you are a good man , who I am sure
with more guidance , you will make a wonderful husband.
I have done a pretty good job thus far of training you
and you are a pretty fast learner, although it normally
doesn't take me ten years to train a man. You offered more
resistance than I expected and a couple of times you
failed your exam. But you made up for it with extra points
in other categories, so I guess I will let you pass.
As you can see by passing the test you were allowed
to marry me. I want you to realize how lucky you are
to have someone that will put up with your lifestyle
(always busy), your habits(don't make me go there),
your stories(if I have to hear about that 1966 Fast
back Mustang one more time I will croak) and your
pickiness about food(a little ice in orange juice
and a lot of ice in soda.
So now I inherit all your picadello's and you just
get little ole plain me who never complains, is always
there for you , and loves to live only for you.
I think we should just name the column “Dena's Folly”,
that way the column can still be all about you.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

No New Year Resolutions

He Said She Said January 2011 Showcase Magazine

He Said

January rolls around again and this means that it is
the start of a new year. Normally I would talk
about my New Years resolutions and all the things
that I hope to accomplish this year. But this year
I have decided not to do this. I am resolute in the
fact that last year was too busy. I don't even
remember what I said I was going to do so this year
I am just going to take it easy. My life is too
important for me to work so hard. I need to sit
back and relax and just take it easy this year.
Maybe I'll go on more vacations, read more, spend
more time with my friends and become more active
in fun things. I have just been concentrating this
last year on too many things for other people.
This year I need to concentrate more on me as the
old song goes. I need to make my life more
fulfilled with new ideas that I can do to make me
happy. Don't get me wrong, I want you to be happy
too, but the things that make you happy don't
always make me happy. For instance, you actually
enjoy cleaning the house, and working in the yard
makes your day, while I do not need to get dirty
or tired from hoeing the ground or sweeping the
roof, or whatever turns you on about the outside.
No, this year is going to be a big change for me.
I am going to make sure that I am happy every day,
sort of like you wanting to work outside or clean
inside; I am going to find something that I can
look forward to and get excited about. Right
now I'm excited about you getting me something
to eat and drink.

She Said

It would be redundant for me to try and even find
an answer to your ramblings. That whole contingency
of words didn't sound like anything but the same
old same old for you. You are always relaxing, you
are always reading, you are always talking about
taking trips, you are always talking about getting
together more with your friends. How about letting
me explain to you what I heard so you will understand
how the real world works and why you are so out
in left field. Let me preface this by saying that
I love you and this is only constructive information
for you to peruse and if you can justify my answers
your life will be more fulfilled, if that is what
you're trying to accomplish.
You need to get rid of Rent a Friends and try and
make some real friends of your own. You need to take
a horticulture class to learn the finer ways of
tilling the soil. Put your hands into the dirt,
feel the earth as God intended us to feel it.
You need to stop buying books. For one thing you
are out of room. You will never read all 7000
copies that you now own unless you commit a crime,
serve time and spend your remaining life in a jail cell.
I can give you a list of things that you need to
become more active in and the first would be taking
out the garbage or bringing the cans around when
you see them rolling down the street. You can help
me do the dishes after we eat, or you could even
take a food class and learn how to cook something
for us besides deviled eggs. Yes, with enough time
and space, I could give you a whole new world of
becoming active. But first I have to get you away
from the kitchen table, off the couch, and into
some new habits. Preferably helping me occasionally.

Still looking forward to the New Year? I didn't think so.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Our Christmas Wish- He Said and She Said

December 2010 – Larry Oldham and Dena Hill

Christmas comes only one time a year, so we take this
month off from our petty differences and petty whining
to be thankful for all the things that God has truly
blessed us with this year. We both have been in good
health, our children have been successful and happy,
and Sophie, Dena's poodle has been telling her that
she feels pretty good this year also. Seriously though,
we would like to take the time to thank you for all
your emails, calls, text, and comments all through
the year about the columns. People stop us on the
street almost on a daily basis and tell us they
agreed or disagreed with one of us. Most of the time
they disagree with me but that is OK because I am
not the easiest person in the world to live with.
But this December column is not about disagreement.
Today we want to offer you our Christmas Wish list.
First of all we wish that everyone would thank God
for giving us his son and that everyone would think
about the real purpose of celebrating Christmas. We
would wish for world peace and that hunger could be
eliminated all across the land. We would wish for
Cancer to be eliminated around the world and that
scientist could find a cure for all diseases that
affect our lives. We would wish for world peace in
all the families around the world, that people could
live together without conflict and without bickering.
We would wish that everyone love each other through-
out the world everyday, just not at Christmas time.
We would wish that everyone could celebrate their
religion in every part of the world and have the
freedom to live their lives as they so desire. We
would wish that the homeless could find shelter,
that the hungry could find a way to nurture themselves
on a daily basis. We would wish that everyone could
find jobs so that we all could live the American
dream and have provisions for their families. We
would wish that manners would come back into style
and that people would respect one another on an
everyday basis. We would wish that people would
understand that when they are fussing and fighting
with each other they are affecting the mindset of
their children who are taking in every word of their
argument. We would wish that everyone could
find a place in their heart to forgive others and
live by the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you”. And finally we would
wish that the spirit of Christmas could come into our
lives everyday, not just for one day, but throughout
the whole year.

Please continue to follow the column. We hope you know
that we love each other very much and thatwe love all
of you for making He Said She Said possible. Most of
the ideas in our column are experiences that we all
share everyday in our daily lives. We are just able
to write ours down on paper and by doing so, letting
you know that we all as humans have frailties,
differences, and challenges.

As we share this Christmas season our wish would be
that we all remember the reason for the season.
Tell your friends and relatives that you love them,
go to Church and thank God for all that he has given
you this year. Pray for friends that need your prayers.
Have peace in your life throughout this year.

This is our Christmas Wish.

Merry Christmas from Larry Oldham and Dena Hill-

He Said She Said

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Getting the Facts Straight

November 2010

He Said

All over the world people are concerned about conserving
energy, going green,saving the trees, conserving water,
and cutting off the lights. But not in her house. She has
lights set up in the dog's room to come on and off by a
timer whether we are there are not. She doesn't want the
pooch wandering around in the dark looking for her favorite
toy, poor thing!. There is a light in the dining room, also
on a timer, that comes on at dusk and turns off sometime in
the middle of the night. There is a light in the foyer, also
on a timer, that comes on at dark and stays on till late at
night. There is a night light in the bathroom, the spare
bathroom I might add, that stays on all night. When she
enters a room she turns on the light. When she enters another
room she turns on the light. None of these lights get turned
off until she is ready to go to bed. When I ask her about
conserving energy, her response is usually something like a
light bulb cost about fifty cents to burn all month. When I
ask her where she gets her information, she says the Internet.
As we all know the Internet is now our main source of knowledge.
We also know that the Internet information highway is strewn with
not only useless information, but also misguided information.
I am not saying that the fifty cents guideline is wrong,
but as my Mother use to say," a penny saved is a penny earned".
I have noticed that since the time we have dated,her children
have learned well from their mother. No light in the house is
ever turned off until bedtime. Her other response is she wants
to have the house look lived in. "If all the lights are out in
the house, the house looks unhealthy" , she says. I guess to me
getting a five hundred dollar light bill every month would make
me and my wallet feel unhealthy.

She Said

I love Thomas Kincaid's paintings and the closest I'm going
to get to a serene setting like that is by leaving a few lights
on here and there. Which is more inviting...a dark, gloomy
house that is an invitation to be broken into or a home glowing
with lights and warmth from a fire in the fireplace and
maybe even soft music playing. Who wants to walk around
in a house stumbling over chairs, bumping into doors, or
tripping over someone's shoes who couldn't quite find a place
for them other than in the middle of the floor? Mr. Scrooge
wants everything turned off as a person leaves the room and
turned on again when they come back. Have you seen the TV
commercial of the man who goes around the house unplugging
lights, coffee maker, toaster, radio, TV, etc., to save
electricity? You wrote that ad didn't you, Mr. Ad Man?
Who is going to crawl behind the sofa, bed, kitchen cabinet,
etc, to plug them back in when they are needed again?
I remember going to my Dad's in Virginia Beach on weekends
from college and when we drove up, all the yard lights
were on as well as the lights inside. What a welcome home!
It just wouldn't have been the same if I drove up to
a dark house. As far as my kids go, if leaving lights
on is something they learned from me then I'll take it
as a compliment that maybe some other things I taught
them are etched in their minds.

The Look of Love

He Said

Men and women have always seen the world though different
eyes. She and I can look at the horizon on the beach and
she sees a beautiful golden sun rising over the deep blue
ocean. I see a sailor’s lament “ RED SKY IN THE MORNING,
She and I can also listen to the same conversation and
come up with entirely different interpretations. How can
this be? We both hear the same conversation and two minutes
later we are discussing the message from two different
perspectives. The other morning I stopped by her house
for breakfast. I kissed her good morning, we chatted a bit,
and ate breakfast together . I kissed her goodbye and left
for work. Later that night we were eating dinner together
and I ask her if she noticed anything different about me.
She said, “now that you mention it, it does look like you
have lost a few pounds”.
" A few pounds, my foot! I shaved my beard off two days
ago and you haven't even noticed!" I said. Now in case you
have missed the point, she can look at me, kiss me, hug me,
talk to me, sit across from me at the table for a couple of
meals and never really see me. I have had this growth on my
face for years. The moral of this rant is this. Your better
half can look at you and never see you. Or to put it another
way, they may only see the part of you that they want to see.
She could be looking right through me because she doesn’t want
to see me. I can guarantee you one thing. If she ever grows a
beard, Mr. Observant here will be the first to know it, and
believe you me, I will tell her.

She Said

Why is everything always all about you? Did it ever occur to
you that I may have had my mind on other things: like work,
what to wear, is it a bad hair day, or does Sophie need
anything before I leave? I mean important things! You can
shave your beard and it grows back in two days so what have
I missed? Sure, we see things differently. That just means
that I'm right and you're wrong but since I choose my battles,
I just keep quiet most of the time. That's a pretty deep
thought...I look at you and don't really "see" you. When I
look at you, I see a gentle, loving man who cares deeply
about his family, his work, his church, and his friends.
I see someone with a passion for shopping, collecting
"trinkets", listening to music, and joking around with
everyone. I see someone who has a lot of talent in the
field of art but won't develop it. I see a man who hates
exercise but loves to eat and also one who would rather
be inside than outside. I see you as extremely
argumentative when you really don't care about the
opposing side; you just want to ignite controversy.
So if I don't know whether you have bristles on your
face or not from one day to the next, what does it
matter? I do see the real you. I think your face looks
nice albeit with years of expression lines (wrinkles);
but I like the beard too. Maybe you can grow it back
by winter so it'll keep your face warm. By the way...did
you notice that I cleaned the house, cut the grass,
chopped down weeds in the back yard, fixed dinner,
washed and ironed clothes, and did the grocery shopping?
I didn't think so

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hot Diggitty Dog

He Said

My mother always told me that opposites attract.

I guess this means I will marry someone

who is a polar opposite of me. Trying to put

all of this into context with my fiancé, I have

come up with either a great discovery or I'm

barking up the wrong tree.(No pun intended).

She does not like hot dogs. Following my

mother’s logic, this is a good thing. Using common

sense dictates that I have to be awfully

careful in determining how I can possibly marry a

girl who hates hot dogs? I love everything else

about her. She is a gracious, giving, and caring

person but how do you live with someone who hates

Yum Yum hot dogs? If you don’t know this by now,

"Yum Yum Better Ice Cream," the official name of the diner

in Greensboro, has the best hot dogs In the Universe.

They have home made chili, homemade slaw, onions cut up

just right, and some of the best hot dog wieners you

have ever tasted in your life. She won’t eat them.

She refuses to even go in the place because it makes

her smell like a hot dog. I go in there dressed

only in Speedo’s because I WANT to go home smelling

like the best hot dog in the world. That way I can

enjoy it longer. (I might have stretched that

last part by a tad.) I don’t have Speedo’s and if

I did, I would not go out in public, but that's

another column. So I share with you my dilemma.

Do I marry a wholesome, talented, beautiful woman

who hates hot dogs? Am I making too big a deal about

this situation? Do I send her to hot dog culinary

school to learn about the finer taste in life? Do I

just drop the subject all together and continue to

sneak a dog when I can?

She Said

If you ask me this whole column has gone to the dogs.

The trouble with you is that you are so involved with

yourself, that you cannot for the life of you see

what's going on around you. When did I say that I

did not like hot dogs? Charlottesville, Virginia Beach,

Charlotte, Greensboro, Myrtle Beach, and Emporia all

have one thing in common. Can you, in your small

minded world, imagine any common thread, that would bring

all these cities together in two little words?

Question #1 is "which dining establishment is

located in all of these cities?" Question # 2 is

"what do I order in this restaurant every

single time?" Questioni #3 “why do I order this?

Can you say “Five Guys”? I love their hot dogs!!

There! I said it and now we can get married if

that is your only holdup. Your problem seems

to be that you want me to love all hot dogs

the same. I personally cannot see why

anyone would want to eat a red hot dog.

Exactly what is in it? I've heard that all

the left over parts of pigs, chickens, roosters,

cows and turkey is what makes up a red

hot dog, and as much as I love you, I am

not eating pig snouts churned into red hot

dogs. For the record, I guarantee you that

we are opposites. I don’t force myself to

be opposite from you; it just comes naturally.

As a matter of fact, you might inform your mother that

you could marry anyone in the world based on

her opposite premise, because honestly you are

the opposite of everyone on this planet. Maybe

that is why I am so attracted to you.

Now let’s go get a hot dog, honey. Just make

sure it’s a Five Guys hot dog or you may find

yourself barking up someone else's tree.