Diet's..His and Hers

He Said She Said      Showcase Magazine. September 2011
 
He Said
 
Every time we have a big event in our future, the old
proverbial diet raises it's ugly head. Last month
while having a casual breakfast of eggs, pancakes,
sausage, bacon, toast, and orange juice,  you looked
over at me while (I had a mouth full of toast and jelly,)
and dropped the good news....you are going on a diet,
AGAIN. We go through this quite often during the year and
you would think that I would learn to just let it go.
But no, I had to get involved. I do like a good challenge
and this seemed like the opportune time to share with you
how men can rise to the occasion simply by sheer will power.
There is a wedding taking place in October and you wanted
to look your best. Tip top shape you said. I can be a
slacker, but I, too, don"t want to look too shabby, so
being the gentleman that I am, I offered to help you.
But "No"  you said. You had joined a popular weight loss
program online and this would help you lose weight.
Trying to be frugal, I ask you how much are you paying.
When you told me, I offered to help you lose the weight
that you wanted to lose for half that price, and you didn't
have to figure points, write down numbers, or answer
to anyone but me.
You, being the smarter of the two of us, decided that you
would just stay in charge of your own domain without any
help from me. So, as of the first week, you had lost five
pounds and paid for the pleasure of doing so, and I had
lost five pounds, not costing me a dime. Maybe you should
have listened to the old weight guru, instead of falling
for that scam on the internet.
 
She Said
 
If I listened to the old weight guru, I'd weigh 300 pounds.
"Let's get an ice cream sundae from Bubba's, let's go to
Greensboro and see if the "HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW" sign is on,
Is Yum, Yum still open?, I need a Snickers, Thirsty? How
about some Raspberry tea?" and on and on you go. Usually
(unless you're trying to prove a point) if you want it,
you eat it. Most of the time it doesn't show up on your
hips. Men are lucky that way; it only shows up around their
middle. Of course if you don't want to look nine months
pregnant, you still need to watch your intake, whether
it's points or calories.  I have known you most of my life
and I have seen your diets. No offense but they don't work.
Yes, you give up soft drinks and candy for a few weeks,
lose some water weight, go around bragging about how you
lost all this weight. and then fall back into your old
habits. So tell me, dear, if your weight lost program works
so well, why are you on a diet now? If you're the weight
loss guru, why do you look like you swallowed a watermelon?

I am paying very little for what will hopefully be
successful. You will lose ten pounds, brag for a few
days and then continue drinking soft drinks and pressing
your nose and both hands against the Krispy Kreme door
until they open. Meanwhile, my plan will help me embrace
a change in healthier eating habits so I will not only
look acceptable in the October wedding, but also for
Thanksgiving and Christmas. I will say one thing for your
diet though. You will save money. I could make my mortgage
payment with what you spend on soft drinks and candy.
So we're off and running and may the best ----- win!
 

Weighing in on Dieting

He Said She Said Showcase July 2009

He Said

She came in a couple of weeks ago and said we need

to go on a diet. I knew not to say what I was

thinking, but I said it anyway. “ My assumption

is you want to lose weight , so we, meaning you

and I have to go on a diet”. That is correct ,

she said. We need to go on a diet together so it

want be so hard for one of us that is not eating

to have to watch the other one eat what they want.

In her mind that makes perfectly good sense. In my

mind this is the beginning of a train wreck. Which

one are WE going on this time? We are going on

Weight Watchers. O.K. How does that one work?

This is the easiest diet to go on she said.

All you have to do is eat anything you want as

long as you stay within your allotted amount of points.

Do I get to choose how many?, I ask. No it goes by the

weight system. You weigh about two hundred and fifteen

pounds, so you can have 26 points a day.

I figure about one point for each items gives me 26 items

to eat each day, yeah , I can probably handle this diet.

No, she says. All food items have points , so everything

you eat adds up to your total amount of points you can eat

each day. Like a hamburger plain is 8 points. A Big Mac is

thirteen points.

Good I can have two Big Macs for lunch. That is fine she

says as long as you don't eat breakfast or dinner.

Who decides my points? Your weight decides, she says.

So if I weighed 300 pounds I could have more points.

Yes she said, but you want to lose weight, not gain weight.

If I can have anything I want to eat and just count points,

count me in . Who keeps up with the points, I ask. You do, she says.

Even better I say. I never was that good in math anyway.


She Said

I do my best with him. He is almost getting to be

impossible to work with. I am not complaining,

mind you, but men including my man, do not have a

clue about diets. I tried to explain to him the

other day about the weight watchers system of

keeping points and losing weight. Of course he wants

to make a joke about it and I just went along with him.

I am watching my points and I am right on track. I am

afraid that each day when I ask him what he ate , he

says a sandwich. It probably is two sandwiches and

some candy. I don't see him getting thinner. If he

tells me he is not hungry at night I assume he has

sneeked out and had a meal somewhere else. He uses

the excuse that he can' t do math that well and I

send him to work with a calculator and a weight

watchers food wheel. I really don't think this is

going to work for him, however, it helps me stay

on my diet, I don't have to cook as much, and

since he is playing along, he is not always

asking me to go to Bubba's for a milk shake or

banana split every night. Sometimes you just have

to let them think they are making all the decisions

to get what you want. I mean I would never do that ,

but I know girls who do. Next time you see him out,

ask him if he is gaining weight. That will fix him.