What Christmas means to me...you light up my life?

He Said


Christmas only comes once a year and as I look at

my calendar I notice that we are here. I love

Christmas. I love the sounds, the music, the

crisp air around us, the joy of giving, etcetera.

Now let me tell you the things that I dread the most:

too many people getting in my way in the stores

and on the roads.

I am a Christmas eve shopper and one thing that I

don't need is a bunch of last minute shoppers

getting in my way. Also, what is the deal with

everyone telling me what to get them? I should be

able to get them whatever I think they deserve.

Another thing I hate is that I have been seeing Christmas

decorations up in the stores since August. I

couldn't enjoy Halloween this year because of all

the Christmas carols being played throughout the stores.

Christmas cards were on sale at the dollar

store before I had even made out my Christmas

card list. For my friends out there thinking, that's funny,

I didn't receive a card from him last year, don't worry,

I didn't send any. I am just saying that if I was

going to send them, all those early card displays

would turn me off. I hate to get into a big deal about

this because I know what she will say but, we have

been a couple for 10 or 11 years now so here goes.

Every year, and I do mean every year, she puts white

lights on her tree, and white lights on her

door , and white lights on her mantle wreathe.

There are even white lights up and down her sidewalk so

it looks like an airport runway. I haven't said much

about it, but Christmas is not going to ever be Christmas

for me until I see some lights that are colorful. Red,

yellow, blue, orange, and green, colors is what Christmas

is really all about.

I need bright lights and colors. Don't get me wrong ,

I do believe in the Christian part of Christmas and

I do know the true meaning of Christmas; it's just

that all this other stuff takes away from my Christmas

spirit. I don't want to be bah humbug; however, I

am starting to feel like the spirit of Christmas past

and that is not right. I need prettier and more

colorful Christmas tree lights in my life.



She Said


I think colorful Christmas tree lights is the least

of your worries. I have already bought most of my

Christmas presents this year, including your present.

I have given you many hints throughout the year

about what I want Santa to bring me. With all of your

fussing and whining about why Christmas isn't fair to you,

I'm not sure you're listening to me. Maybe I should get

a GPS for you just to see if that is one female voice you

will listen to and follow directions precisely. Why not buy your

presents early when there is a better selection instead

of those loved ones on your Christmas list having

to settle for leftovers on Christmas Eve? That, alone,

is reason to avoid the last minute rush. Besides, if

your children and I don't give you a list, there's no

telling what we would get, given your eclectic taste.

I don't need an electric scarf that plays Christmas

carols and your children don't need a tie with

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer with a blinking red nose.

As far as you not enjoying Halloween, you loved every

minute of driving the cart through Target

buying candy that was reduced. I didn't hear you

humming Christmas carols then; you were a man on a

mission. And Christmas cards.....I can guarantee you

that your friends will not receive a card from you

until the price of stamps goes down. Now lets talk

about white lights on MY tree, in MY house. Until

you walk me down the aisle and start paying MY electric

bills and buying MY tree decorations, you

can keep riding around town looking at other peoples'

yard decorations in color. I like MY white lights.

You said the colored lights are what you were used

to growing up...have you noticed that your mother

has all white lights this year? If you're the voice

of Christmas past, this is the voice of Christmas future,

if you know what I mean. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Reeding, riting, arrittmet.......Math

He Said She Said Showcase November 2009

He Said

Here is the problem with dating a school teacher.

(Is here a proper noun?). I don't care what you

do or what you say, most of the time it is wrong.

(Is wrong an adverb or a noun?) She comes to me

and says I am calling that company that advertises

Suits on TV because they are using the wrong

verb,tense,adverb, or something on television.

This makes it more difficult to teach the children

in school when they are seeing it wrong on television.

(I don't think you should have used more in front

of difficult). The most frequent one is the usage of

“that” and “who”. One is for a person description

and the other is for a thing description.(or something

like that..or who). If this happened once or

twice I could understand. But this is almost daily.

I have purchased four dictionary's and two large

Thesaurus's(or Thesauruses,or Thesauruss') and a

minithesaurus to carry in my glove box so that I

will know when or how to use the correct word.

(or is it wording?) Please don't get me started on

the dangling participle(is that the correct spelling?)

because even though is has been explained to me

over and over I am still letting it hang. The number

of times that I have ended a sentence with a

preposition number into the thousands and I have

just got to learn how not to end a sentence with to.

(or some other form of a prep.) When I went to the

INTERNET and found that some of our old grammar

was forgotten and now readily accepted(like that and who)

she started going to other teachers to make

her case. I will just have to keep trying to do

my best to speak the King's language like I was taught,

and please do not remind her about math. I don't

have time to get into all that. Let's just hope that

the current stays on in the retail stores, in case

one of the clerks has to make change.



She Said

When we were in high school the teacher ask me if I

would help tutor you in English so that you

could get your F up to a D minus. I did help you,

you did pass the English exam, and here it is almost

fifty years later and I am still having to tutor you.

Does this job ever end ? Don't get me wrong. I only

want to make you sound better in public when you are

making up words, using the wrong pronoun or

noun, using the wrong verb tense, slaughtering the

English language, and embarrassing me at every

event. Don't you want to be known as the person

with a strong vocabulary? The eloquent speaker

admired by your so called Posse”( I hate that term).

No, in reality, you probably do not care either

way. You just enjoy hearing the sound of your voice,

the knowledge that no matter what you say you

are always right, and that other people are standing

in line to hear what words of wisdom are going

to be coming forth from your mouth. After all these

years I should just give up and let you continue

to make a fool of yourself. However, as a teacher

it is my job to make sure that all that I teach learn

the fundamentals of grammar, spelling, verb tenses,

and yes, sometimes even math. Do I always

succeed ? I would say that you are a shining example of that answer.

Birthday Challenges

He Said

October is birthday month for both of us.. She usually gives me
subtle hints like “ That blue dress at Kohl's is nice.”, or
“Oh dear, my perfume is almost empty”. This year she just came
up to me and said I know what we should give each other for
our birthday's. Uh oh, I smell trouble coming. Being the
gentleman that I am, I politely ask her, “ What did you have
in mind, honey?” “How about we give each other a gift that we
both can enjoy this year and every year”. I am thinking a
new car, a La-Z-Boy recliner, or a years supply of ice cream.
The good stuff that we could enjoy together. “I think we
should give each other passports for our birthday”, she said.
Trouble! I'm thinking of spending $25 maybe $50 at the most.
“How much are they?” I ask. “Somewhere around one hundred dollars”
she said. I'm thinking that I can't eat them and they are
going to cost me way more than a hundred bucks with a trip out
of the country. Is this possibly a Christmas present hint?
” Wouldn't we be suspected of being terrorist's if we applied
for a passport?” I ask. “No, not if we just went to Canada
(or Paris or Italy), she said under her breath”. Oh that's
right, I just remembered, they don't have terrorist's in
these country's, just in the United States. You'll be reading
in the future, THE ADVENTURES OF COUNTRY COMES TO TOWN when
the beautiful SHE adorns his side in all the European papers.
What happened to a pair of slippers or a new neck tie for our
birthday gifts? ME in Paris???? France would never be the
same and they would more than likely confiscate the passport
and then another birthday gift would have been wasted.


She Said

Honestly, I try and add a little pizazz to our lives, think
outside of the box, change our hum drum lives, and like good
Presbyterians, his first reaction is CHANGE? We went to Canada
a few years ago and didn't need a Passport. Today a passport is
necessary to get back into the United States from just about
any country. We might not need passports, but just in case we do,
I thought it would be a great gift idea since most gifts I've
given you are still in the boxes. This would be a pragmatic gift,
something that we can share together, AND maybe take a trip in
the future (when we get a good deal of course). Passports take
about six weeks or more to arrive and I just thought that we
should apply now and have them in case we want to go abroad.
He sure knows how to ruin a girl's idea of fun. I already have
slippers ( probably 3 or more pairs from past birthday's)
so I don't need more slippers. He doesn't wear ties except to
church and he has a blue million in his closet. As far as he
or I being suspected of being a terrorist's, they would more
than likely suspect my standard poodle, Sophie, before they
would suspect us. Sophie has a ferocious bark, is larger than
a normal poodle, and has sharp looking teeth. No, I think he
just wants to get out of spending the hundred dollars because
he is cheap and is afraid he will have no excuse to leave
the country if he has a passport. Good thing we don't need
a passport to get into Myrtle Beach or we would have had
one years ago. Happy Birthday to my favorite terrorist. (lol).

Why did God invent TV ?

He Said

I remember when the television first came out in the
fifties for me. Black and White and only one or
two stations and you got your reception using an TV
antenna , or rabbit ears. I enjoyed my fair share
of TV in the fifties, Howdy Doody Time, Old Rebel Show,
Superman, Amos and Andy, Gunsmoke, and who could forget
The Mouseketeers, especially Annette. As I have grown
older , TV has either gotten worse, or I have grown up.
I do not need TV. TV certainly does not need me. In my
house the TV never comes on unless we have a war, a
catastrophe, or some important person gets married
besides me. (Princess Diana). Now I try to understand
the function of the TV, besides the excuse that it keeps
someone company. I mean you can get a dog to keep you
company and have more fun doing it.
She has five TV's and one day I am going to walk into
her house and sitting right in the bathroom will
be Matt Lauer staring back at me while I am sitting
on the throne. I mean give me a break. Her children
gave her a TV for the kitchen for Christmas.
(Good job kids),however, the kitchen was the only room
in the house where I could come over for breakfast
and we could share some time together talking just
the two of us. Now , of course, we listen with baited
breath about the next excursion that Matt is going
to take and is Meredith going with him. I mean really.
When is a man expected to get quality time with his girl.
It almost makes me want to get a dog. Not really.
Her dog is enough and that is a whole different story.


She Said

Here we go again. You are on your TV kick again.
About every two years he starts yapping about how
bad TV is, or the people who watch TV are somehow
inferior to him, or he is superior to everyone that
watches television. He has his moments. Some days
I walk in from being out and he is busy watching
Cops or Tru TV or that insane or inane Nancy Grace.
I agree with him wholeheartedly that he is not
a TV person. I will attest to the fact that he has
never watched American Idol. Should I give up TV for
him? Is he that important that I should give up the
Young and Restless? Do I want to miss Two and a
half men because he gets lonely easily? Love is
grand and all that but come on, give up Matt in
the morning? I should think not. Matt closes his
mouth when he chews, Matt does not talk back,
and Matt and I get along beautifully in the morning.
If Dr. McDreamy had a show I would buy two more TV's
for the rest of the house and maybe have TV put in
my car. Sophie, my poodle , has her own television
so she can watch Caesar............ to learn how to
behave better. Maybe there is a TV show that I can find
where he can learn to adapt better, learn to control
his needs and the judgment of others, and learn to
respect other peoples indulgences. Does anyone have
Dr. Phil's number? I think I need an intervention.

The Art of Getting Ready

Showcase Magazine August 2009

He Said

There must a slow club made up of women only when it

comes to doing make up and hair. This is sort

of a pet peeve; however, I have resigned myself to

the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am

talking about the fact that it takes you hours and

hours to get ready. You always look pretty (points

gained) even at your worse (I take that back. You have no worse).

So what goes on in that bathroom of

yours for days? It is like you are building a tunnel

to the South Pole. There are machines roaring, things

dropping, hisses of air that goes on forever, quietness

for 20 minutes at the time, and then I go in

there and there are tools that I have never encountered

before in my life. Scissor looking tools,

pencils of all shapes and sizes, dozens of cans of spray

things, soaps, little fluffy things that look like

sponges, boxes of Kleenex, and bottles of all shapes and

sizes. There are brushes, both big ones and

small ones. There is one contraption that looks like it

is made of metal with holes in the end. There are

many kinds of hair dryers, 240 tubes of lip stick, and

something called lip gloss along with several

hundred bottles of nail polish and a couple of bottles

of polish remover and cotton balls. The odor is a

mixture of tire lube and Windex. How you can stand in

there with that smell is foreign to me but

amazingly, every time you come out of that room, you

look radiant and smell as fresh as a daisy.

By this time (at least two hours) I am sleepy, worn out,

tired, or into a good show on TV.

Just let me say I would rather wait two hours and have you,

than wait 12 minutes and have a.....

well, you know what I mean.



She Said


Men! If you didn’t have us women to explain everything

to you, I sincerely believe that you would lie

in bed forever until someone came in, got you up,

dressed you, fed you breakfast, put you in your car,

put the gear shift in drive, and sent you off to work.

Did you say a SLOW club? I can work circles

around you so let’s compare notes. I get up at 5:00 a.m.

and work out on my elliptical for thirty

minutes after walking and feeding Sophie. Then I take a

shower and wash my hair followed by

applying makeup, drying and styling my hair. I listen

to the news while I’m getting ready just to keep

up with what’s going on locally, nationally, and globally.

After I get dressed, I’m ready to cook

breakfast and pack lunches while planning what to

fix for dinner. When all of this is done, I’m ready to

put in a full day of work and usually tutor after school.

As far as all of those contraptions, products, and noises

that go along with making myself presentable,

go crawl back into your cave, Mars. Let’s take a look

at man “tools”. When you build a cabinet (well,

not you) or wax the car (not you) or paint a room (not you either),

you need tools to get the job done.

Let’s try this: I’ll forgo all electrical appliances,

“hundreds” of bottles of makeup, and give up

exercising if you promise not to complain about my looks,

weight gain, and frizzy hair. Of course that

means all things electrical will take a vacation: the

stove, microwave, T.V., and computer (particularly

no access to Facebook). I hope you won’t mind wearing

wrinkled clothes because the iron is another

appliance that I use daily.

Weighing in on Dieting

He Said She Said Showcase July 2009

He Said

She came in a couple of weeks ago and said we need

to go on a diet. I knew not to say what I was

thinking, but I said it anyway. “ My assumption

is you want to lose weight , so we, meaning you

and I have to go on a diet”. That is correct ,

she said. We need to go on a diet together so it

want be so hard for one of us that is not eating

to have to watch the other one eat what they want.

In her mind that makes perfectly good sense. In my

mind this is the beginning of a train wreck. Which

one are WE going on this time? We are going on

Weight Watchers. O.K. How does that one work?

This is the easiest diet to go on she said.

All you have to do is eat anything you want as

long as you stay within your allotted amount of points.

Do I get to choose how many?, I ask. No it goes by the

weight system. You weigh about two hundred and fifteen

pounds, so you can have 26 points a day.

I figure about one point for each items gives me 26 items

to eat each day, yeah , I can probably handle this diet.

No, she says. All food items have points , so everything

you eat adds up to your total amount of points you can eat

each day. Like a hamburger plain is 8 points. A Big Mac is

thirteen points.

Good I can have two Big Macs for lunch. That is fine she

says as long as you don't eat breakfast or dinner.

Who decides my points? Your weight decides, she says.

So if I weighed 300 pounds I could have more points.

Yes she said, but you want to lose weight, not gain weight.

If I can have anything I want to eat and just count points,

count me in . Who keeps up with the points, I ask. You do, she says.

Even better I say. I never was that good in math anyway.


She Said

I do my best with him. He is almost getting to be

impossible to work with. I am not complaining,

mind you, but men including my man, do not have a

clue about diets. I tried to explain to him the

other day about the weight watchers system of

keeping points and losing weight. Of course he wants

to make a joke about it and I just went along with him.

I am watching my points and I am right on track. I am

afraid that each day when I ask him what he ate , he

says a sandwich. It probably is two sandwiches and

some candy. I don't see him getting thinner. If he

tells me he is not hungry at night I assume he has

sneeked out and had a meal somewhere else. He uses

the excuse that he can' t do math that well and I

send him to work with a calculator and a weight

watchers food wheel. I really don't think this is

going to work for him, however, it helps me stay

on my diet, I don't have to cook as much, and

since he is playing along, he is not always

asking me to go to Bubba's for a milk shake or

banana split every night. Sometimes you just have

to let them think they are making all the decisions

to get what you want. I mean I would never do that ,

but I know girls who do. Next time you see him out,

ask him if he is gaining weight. That will fix him.

The Dinner Party

He Said

We attended an Awards Banquet a few weeks ago
and we both enjoyed it very much. Anytime we can
be together is a real joy for me because you are
so beautiful and intelligent. Sometimes you are
a little too beautiful and all knowing. Let me see,
Miss Manners, if I remember this correctly.
Use the little fork for salads.  Don't push your
food onto your fork with your fingers. Don't
start eating before others at the table begin.
Don't put your salad dressing on your salad
until the appropriate time (whenever that is).
Put your napkin in your lap. Pass all foods to
the right, even if the lady on your left is asking
for you to pass the bread. Don't hog the conversation
at the table. Don't stare at people. Don't spread
rumors about your friends and ex-wives. Don't ask
anyone their business. Be sure and eat all your food.
Don't ask what something is if you don't know.
Don't be the first one to eat your dessert. Don't
ask the waiter for a doggy bag. Don't holler across
the room for the waiter to bring you more tea. Don't
turn over your coffee cup unless you want coffee.
Don't talk with your mouth full. Gentleman should stand
when a lady rises to be excused. Be sure to pull the
chair out when you are ready to sit down. Make sure
that I introduce you to everyone at the table.
Make sure to turn your silverware upside down and
lay it on the plate to alert the waiter that you are
finished. Don't leave you alone at the table while
I go off visiting my friends.

To be honest with you, I really don't see any sense
attending these things. Too many rules and hoops
to jump through. Next time let's just go to
Ma Possum's and get a hot dog.

She Said

Are you insinuating that I make your life miserable
every time we go to a nice (or fancy as you call it)
dinner with people who expect appropriate manners.
Maybe we don't go out to enough of these parties
for you to remember your manners, or at least the
ones I have tried to teach you. It's not that you
embarrass me, I am trying to protect you from
yourself so you won't embarrass yourself.

Most of the time you are pretty well behaved and
a gentlemen. Being from the south, you may have
some idiosyncrasies that don't particularly appeal
to me, but that fit into your lifestyle. Save all
that junk for your fishing trips
( oh, wait a minute, you don't fish) or your
hunting trips( oh, wait a minute, you don't hunt)
or whenever we go to Atlanta.

Pushing your food on your fork with your fingers
is just plain gross. Why not just stand on the
table and eat with your feet? All of those other
traits and manners that you mentioned are just
good common sense. I didn't suggest them to you
before we left; however, the next time we go out,
please take a copy with you so you can refer to it.
Most people live by these rules on a daily basis...
others have to print out an agenda. I am afraid you
fall into the latter category. But I will be
watching to see if you can make the grade,
and I will reward you accordingly.

What Men Don't Know

He said She said – Showcase May 2009

He Said
Here is the deal. During a recent discussion about family
dynamics {thank God it wasn't our family this time}, I was
trying to make a point with you about what men know and
don't know when it comes to getting inside the female brain.
You shared with me a story about one of our friends
who is suddenly devastated by the fact that her husband does
not help around the house after years of NOT helping around
the house. Your statement to me was that since he is
retirement age, he could just stay home and be a house
husband. He could cook, clean, do laundry and have dinner
ready when she gets home. They could fire the maid and
gardener and everyone would be happy. Here is where I start
losing the point. Is she upset because they can afford these
things? Is she upset because he does not want to make an
effort? I gingerly added, (I know I'm treading on uncharted
territory at this point) HAS SHE EVER TOLD HIM HER DESIRES?
Here comes the communication breakdown. We as men are
expected to read your minds, know what you are thinking,
and then react appropriately to it. So if I come home,
sit down, read the paper, and wait for dinner, it's
because I have been doing this for years or let's just
say you have let me get away with it for years. Then one
day you decide I should be painting the house, or mowing
the grass, or peeling the potatoes. I'm still in the old
mindset and for whatever reason, you've had an epiphany
and have done a 180 degree turn. You've been stewing
because I didn't bring in the garbage cans, get the mail
in, or any other small trivial job that I didn't do.
I guess the old proverbial “job jar” should be ressurected
just to keep you happy.

At least it will not tax my brain trying to read your mind.



She said

You read my mind? Yeah right. Your mind is so far removed
from what goes on in the house and around the house, that
many days I'm surprised that you even found the house. You
are right about one point. In my desire to bring you up right,
I didn't start soon enough giving you your list of weekly
chores. I just brought the garbage cans around after they
were empty, instead of waiting a week to bring them around
before the next pickup. How foolish of me to expect you
could think on your own to bring them around quickly.
My point about our friends was that after all these years
of marriage, he should want to help around the house,
out of love or out of commitment or just to make her load
lighter. It had nothing to do with reading minds, making
job jars, or writing a note on his forehead.
I only suggested that she was frustrated that day because
he came in, sat down, read the paper, and asked her what
time dinner would be served. All of this occurred after
she had worked the same 8 or 9 hours that he had worked.
No, if you could read my mind, some days you would probably
run for the hills, especially after a long day at work,
coming home with a headache and instead of you saying
“hello, how was your day?”, you ask me “ What's for dinner
tonight?” I am telling you I don't think you're ready for
what is inside my head at that very moment. As far as you
peeling potatoes, I would pay a hundred dollars to see that,
two hundred to see you paint the house, and I don't have
to worry about you starting the lawn mower because you
might get a hernia.

It's Aways about You

April 2009 Showcase He Said She Said

He Said
It never ceases to amaze me the way people go
out of their wayto make it difficult for others
to achieve their goals. Maybe it's a pet peeve of mine
but I would like for slow drivers to move out of
the fast lane when cars are behind them
and need to get by. Why do they insist on speeding
up only when another car is trying to pass by?
They are already not doing the speed limit while
holding up traffic and making a nuisance of themselves.
But as I try to ease around them, all of a sudden they
are in a rush.
Around here, beating me from the stoplight is a sport.
I can be beside someone at a stoplight, even if they
are in a 1943 Studebaker, and they want to race me
off the light. If I am in a department store pushing
my buggy down the aisle, I will inevitably run into
someone talking to a person they have not seen in a
couple of hours. Usually they are chatting and showing
pictures of either the baby or vacation photos from
the fifties. And please don't get me started
on cell phones. How did these people survive and who
did they talk to while shopping for groceries and
watching a movie before the invention of cell phones?
I don't want to get all keyed up about these trivial
things but I am thinking about calling my doctor and
asking for a prescription of Prozac or something just
to calm my nerves. I am not sure how much longer
I can take this junk. I am thinking about writing a
letter to the editor but lately that isn't even working.
I am staying in today and going back to the couch to lie down.

She Said

You're going back to the couch to lie down?
When did you get up? The only reason you
criticize the driving around here, is because you want
to be first off the line and it makes you mad when someone
beats you to the punch. Face it, you want to leave them
at the light so they'll have to get behind you. You need
to speed everywhere and you are afraid they will get in
front of you. You even speed up the driveway giving me
whiplash when you slam on brakes to stop. Then I hear
bags of groceries hit the floor. As far as all this other
trivial mess you are ranting about, this is the way of
the world and you are not going to change it by whining.
As for cell phones, they are very useful when you need them.
How do you know that these people aren't making a
serious effort to get to someone they care very much about?
Also, I don't think people intentionally block the aisles.
It isn't always about you. I don't see it as an emergency
to get to the cookie or candy aisle but no one had better
be standing in your way.... as for the doughnut aisle,
people, WATCH OUT. Just because you are considerate
about leaving the area when you get a cell phone call,
does not mean that everyone will extend the same courtesy.
I don't agree with you when it comes to texting while driving
(and I saw in the paper the governor agrees with me).
You think it is all right and continue to do it, putting
our lives in jeopardy each time. Why do you think I offer
to do it for you? So we all have our faults but you just
seem to have a habit of pointing out everyone else except
your own. Of course I have found over the years that THAT
has become my fate in life. At least in your life...she said.

Ides of March

March 2009 He Said She Said

He Said

I keep hearing about these Ides of March. Are they a new
group of troublemakers, a social club, or a group of misfits
just trying to stir up trouble? With the economy in such a
stupor, the price of everything going out of sight, and
people afraid to eat peanut butter, I just don't think as a
society that we need another group of folks making more
trouble for us. We live a pretty good life. We have been
blessed with good chidren, good health, good friends, good
neighbors and we get along with our families. Then I start
hearing about these ides of March people. I know about Julius
Caesar. He has been dead for years. I remember Julius being
told “beware the ides of March”, but those days are gone
forever so why should I worry about someone stabbing me in
the neck when I don't even go to the chapel, or forum, or
whatever venue he was attending when he was stabbed to death.
I go to the local grocery store or department store for shopping,
but I always have you along for protection. My theory is that
a bad guy is not going to attack a beautiful woman, so you are
sorta like my bodyguard. I date you for many reasons and the
majority of them you already know. This one reason I have been
keeping in reserve till the right moment. I guess this ides of
March thing brought out the reason. So instead of Hail Caesar...
I say Hail Dena. May you live forever and forever be strong.

She Said

I can't understand whether you are being silly, a coward, or just
plain ignorant. I don't mean that as being disrespectful to you,
but who told you that you were being threatened by the
Ides of March? That term, for your information, is only
a metaphor for some impending doom. Are you telling me that,
you are feeling some impending doom or someone has threatened
you with impending doom, or did you just happen to notice
that it was March and the term the Ides of March came to your
mind... so off you went on some man tangent.
Julius Caesar has not moved to Danville, Keeling,or Ringgold.
He is not going to be at one of the local department
stores or restaurants in Danville on the fifteenth of the or any
time this month. The only impending doom you normally worry about
is what I am fixing for supper. I think you have been eating too
many Snickers or drinking too much cola and your mind has been
twisted into some kind of foreign state that has gone way beyond
your usual out of brain wanderings.

The Ides of March.

Honestly, let's just say there were some evil spirits or bad guys
waiting behind a tree to get you, do you really think I would
jump out, give them a karate chop, or scream at the top of my
lungs just to protect you? I mean I love you and all that, but
I have a life to live and since I am in better shape
than you because I watch what I eat and exercise, I am probably
going to be outrunning you and the evil Ides of March. Trust me,
they are not going to bother you. Your creditors on the other hand
may be looking for you by the fifteenth of the month. But that
could be any month...not just March

Valentine Stuff

He Said

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. My second
favorite time of the year is Valentines. Everyone
is in love, most people are sharing Valentine gifts,
and even couples who are just in love marginally,
are at least pretending to be in love on February 14th.
Sounds good so far, right? What about love in
the he said she said house. I might have mentioned a time
or two that my fiance' is a project person.
I walked into the bedroom one day last weekend and she was
laying tile on the bathroom floor. I mean measuring,
cutting, gluing or stapleing these carpet pieces to the
floor. I would have had to dread that job for week. It's
true that we went to Lowe's and bought all that stuff,
but I figured the job of laying that stuff would be a
summertime project at the very earliest. We were not
in the house ten minutes and she was laying whatever
that stuff was. I mention all of this because that day
she was more excited and more thrilled than she has ever
been when I have given her candy, or flowers, or a
special candlelight dinner at a restaurant out of town.
How do you top new flooring? I'll tell you. You don't.
So this February please don't tell her, but I have been
looking seriously at new counter tops at one of the
local hardware stores . This will be one Valentine
present that she will always remember.

And she thought she was smarter at shopping than I am.
This will be a gift of love that last a lifetime.


She Said

Do you know how many times you used the word “stuff”?
“Stuff” has no meaning. It's a garbage can term for
people with a limited vocabulary. But I can overlook
it this time if you want to talk about my projects.
My bathroom floor was cold so I carpeted it. True,
it was rather quickly after I bought the materials
(not stuff!) but school was starting back after the
holidays so it was a time-crunch thing. I will also
take exception to your attack on me about choosing
projects over a romantic dinner out or flowers.
(I may as well take candy, bypass my mouth and slap
it right on my hips!) How many times have I told you
how gorgeous the ladies room wallpaper is or how much
I loved the décor in certain restaurants? See...I can
be romantic, too. So what if I'm planning to copy it
at a later date. Remember when our favorite song came
on and I asked you to dance? I wasn't even worried about
scratching the floor that I had just waxed and polished.
I actually waited until you left before I got out the
buffer and touched it up. So let's see...what can I
get you for Valentines? I can't seem to think of
anything unique so I guess I'll have to go to Lowes
or Home Depot to try and find just the right “stuff”.