Mother's Day

May 2012

He Said

Getting Old. Getting Older. I knew this day was
coming and that's why I married you. I know how
you cared for and doted on your Mother.
All men should learn this one important fact.
If you want to judge how your wife is going to
be in the future, look at how she treats her
mother. Is she warm, kindhearted and more importantly,
does she take care of her mother's needs? This my
friend is an example of how she will be treating you
in the future. Getting back to you and this
age thing. Have you noticed that I don't hear as well?'
Have you noticed that I am constantly dropping things?
Have you noticed that I don't pick up my clothes
everyday? Wait a minute ,that is not old age, that is
just me being lazy and I have done that since I was a
teenager so that doesn't count. I know I don't complain
much, maybe a little whining from time to time, but I
swear, every joint in my body aches. I would say it is
from too much exercise, but you would say that's impossible,
because I never exercise. One day my shoulder aches, one
day my foot hurts, one day I have a tooth ache, the next
day I have pain in my elbow. Does everyone feel like
this at my age or is my body just falling apart in front
of me?
Why don't I ever hear you complain about these things?
All I hear you complain about is your weight and I have
justified that for myself by saying the scales must be
broken. That works for me. Anyway I am thanking you
before hand for your future endeavors as a nurse.

Keep up your strength, I'll need someone to push me
in my wheelchair around the mall on Mother's Day.

She Said

If I remember correctly, you were complaining about
pain and trying to get out of work in the eleventh grade.
You have never been one to jump up and down, participate
in sports, be outside longer than the time it takes for
you to go from the house to your car and back again. As
far as getting older, that's just a natural part of life
and it sure beats the alternative. I'll give you three
guesses as to how you look at it and the first two don't
count. You have been working towards this day since you
were a little kid. You are probably not physically tired,
just mentally tired from the challenge of figuring out
how to get out of work, how to get out of exercise, how
to stay out of sun, how to avoid doing anything that
constitutes making an effort. I think most of your"old
age pain" is in your head. My duties as a daughter
were no more harder than the duties as a mother to my
children. I took care of my mother because she took care
of me. I imagine it took your mother, your father, your
sister, and maybe several cousins to keep you on course.
You know if you get sick that I'll be the first one to
take care of you, nurture you, and help you however I can.
But be assured I'll also be the one to kick your behind
and get you back in gear. I know that you will hire someone
nice to watch over me while you read, go to movies, and
go out to eat. Will he look like Blake Shelton or Adam Levine?
This is just part of the pact that I knew existed when we got
married. But in all seriousness I, too, have watched how you
treat your Mother and your children. You are good about
calling your mother everyday, and visiting every
weekend and I think you do all of that not only because
you are responsible but because you truly love your mother
and your father. I know if I get sick in any way that you
will be there or send someone to take care of me
(either Blake or Adam...doesn't matter).

Fancy Restaurants

He Said She Said Showcase Magazine October 2011

He Said

I know you would like for me to be a bit more classy
and a suave and debonair person. Probably not
going to happen. I was brought up as a country
guy and lived the simple life all my life. I have
traveled some and although I have not been in as
many countries as you, I have probably eaten in
as many restaurants as you. As an observation I
have noticed one thing that is certain in restaurants.
The higher the price you pay, the less food that
you get on your plate. It is quality versus quantity.
I will say that the plate is prettier with green
sprouts distributed everywhere on the plate,
usually covering your food. The name of what
you are eating can be green beans, but you are
guaranteed at the fancy restaurants,they will
be calling it something else, preferably something
in french. The service most of the time is going
to be outstanding. You never have to ask for a
glass of water, because every time you take a
swallow, someone is there filling you glass to
the brim. The table is always beautifully decorated
with fancy utensils and immaculate stemware.
What I have always found in every expensive restaurant
is that you get very little food, normally it
has no taste, or has a foreign taste that leaves
a sour taste in your mouth. You pay three times
what you pay for a regular meal because of all
the ambiance. I will continue to take you to the
fancy restaurants because I want to please you
and you seem to feel comfortable in those surroundings.
I would just ask you to understand that when
I want to go a reasonably priced, good home cooked
meal restaurant it is because that was what I was
raised on and what I prefer. If I could only get
them to change the names of the food , add some
candle light, that could satisfy the both of us.

Right?

She Said

You can take the man out of the country, but you
can't take the country out of the man. I understand
from your perspective everything that you are saying.
We don't always agree and I understand that also.
You and I were raised in the same city, same
environment, same neighborhood, and same economically
family standards. You have elected to stay in that
situation because that is your comfort zone. I can
respect that, but what I have tried to teach you
all my life, is that there is a different lifestyle
that you could learn to appreciate. I really do
not believe in your case that that is true, but on
paper it sure does sound good. No, you are in a
“it has always been like that, I eat what I like mood”,
and no one on God's green earth is going to
convince you otherwise. I don't mind eating at the
country places that cost little money, the waitresses
have to work there and would rather be somewhere else,
and the food is piled so high that gravy is dripping
off the side of the plate. The cholesterol count
is so high that your veins start showing as soon
as you walk in and continues for days. You always
have to have dessert in these places, usually
consisting of banana pudding or cake of the day,
only adding to your weight gain. The waitresses
usually call you honey or darling and you always
smile because even though you are over a hundred
years of age, you think they are flirting with you.
I am happy that we can eat in the “fancy”
restaurants as you like to call them, because I
do enjoy the ambiance and I also enjoy eating out
with friends who appreciate the finer things in
life...not that you don't appreciate the finer
things in life, after all you did marry me.(lol)

Weighing in on Dieting

He Said She Said Showcase July 2009

He Said

She came in a couple of weeks ago and said we need

to go on a diet. I knew not to say what I was

thinking, but I said it anyway. “ My assumption

is you want to lose weight , so we, meaning you

and I have to go on a diet”. That is correct ,

she said. We need to go on a diet together so it

want be so hard for one of us that is not eating

to have to watch the other one eat what they want.

In her mind that makes perfectly good sense. In my

mind this is the beginning of a train wreck. Which

one are WE going on this time? We are going on

Weight Watchers. O.K. How does that one work?

This is the easiest diet to go on she said.

All you have to do is eat anything you want as

long as you stay within your allotted amount of points.

Do I get to choose how many?, I ask. No it goes by the

weight system. You weigh about two hundred and fifteen

pounds, so you can have 26 points a day.

I figure about one point for each items gives me 26 items

to eat each day, yeah , I can probably handle this diet.

No, she says. All food items have points , so everything

you eat adds up to your total amount of points you can eat

each day. Like a hamburger plain is 8 points. A Big Mac is

thirteen points.

Good I can have two Big Macs for lunch. That is fine she

says as long as you don't eat breakfast or dinner.

Who decides my points? Your weight decides, she says.

So if I weighed 300 pounds I could have more points.

Yes she said, but you want to lose weight, not gain weight.

If I can have anything I want to eat and just count points,

count me in . Who keeps up with the points, I ask. You do, she says.

Even better I say. I never was that good in math anyway.


She Said

I do my best with him. He is almost getting to be

impossible to work with. I am not complaining,

mind you, but men including my man, do not have a

clue about diets. I tried to explain to him the

other day about the weight watchers system of

keeping points and losing weight. Of course he wants

to make a joke about it and I just went along with him.

I am watching my points and I am right on track. I am

afraid that each day when I ask him what he ate , he

says a sandwich. It probably is two sandwiches and

some candy. I don't see him getting thinner. If he

tells me he is not hungry at night I assume he has

sneeked out and had a meal somewhere else. He uses

the excuse that he can' t do math that well and I

send him to work with a calculator and a weight

watchers food wheel. I really don't think this is

going to work for him, however, it helps me stay

on my diet, I don't have to cook as much, and

since he is playing along, he is not always

asking me to go to Bubba's for a milk shake or

banana split every night. Sometimes you just have

to let them think they are making all the decisions

to get what you want. I mean I would never do that ,

but I know girls who do. Next time you see him out,

ask him if he is gaining weight. That will fix him.