Hot Diggitty Dog

He Said

My mother always told me that opposites attract.

I guess this means I will marry someone

who is a polar opposite of me. Trying to put

all of this into context with my fiancé, I have

come up with either a great discovery or I'm

barking up the wrong tree.(No pun intended).

She does not like hot dogs. Following my

mother’s logic, this is a good thing. Using common

sense dictates that I have to be awfully

careful in determining how I can possibly marry a

girl who hates hot dogs? I love everything else

about her. She is a gracious, giving, and caring

person but how do you live with someone who hates

Yum Yum hot dogs? If you don’t know this by now,

"Yum Yum Better Ice Cream," the official name of the diner

in Greensboro, has the best hot dogs In the Universe.

They have home made chili, homemade slaw, onions cut up

just right, and some of the best hot dog wieners you

have ever tasted in your life. She won’t eat them.

She refuses to even go in the place because it makes

her smell like a hot dog. I go in there dressed

only in Speedo’s because I WANT to go home smelling

like the best hot dog in the world. That way I can

enjoy it longer. (I might have stretched that

last part by a tad.) I don’t have Speedo’s and if

I did, I would not go out in public, but that's

another column. So I share with you my dilemma.

Do I marry a wholesome, talented, beautiful woman

who hates hot dogs? Am I making too big a deal about

this situation? Do I send her to hot dog culinary

school to learn about the finer taste in life? Do I

just drop the subject all together and continue to

sneak a dog when I can?


She Said

If you ask me this whole column has gone to the dogs.

The trouble with you is that you are so involved with

yourself, that you cannot for the life of you see

what's going on around you. When did I say that I

did not like hot dogs? Charlottesville, Virginia Beach,

Charlotte, Greensboro, Myrtle Beach, and Emporia all

have one thing in common. Can you, in your small

minded world, imagine any common thread, that would bring

all these cities together in two little words?

Question #1 is "which dining establishment is

located in all of these cities?" Question # 2 is

"what do I order in this restaurant every

single time?" Questioni #3 “why do I order this?

Can you say “Five Guys”? I love their hot dogs!!

There! I said it and now we can get married if

that is your only holdup. Your problem seems

to be that you want me to love all hot dogs

the same. I personally cannot see why

anyone would want to eat a red hot dog.

Exactly what is in it? I've heard that all

the left over parts of pigs, chickens, roosters,

cows and turkey is what makes up a red

hot dog, and as much as I love you, I am

not eating pig snouts churned into red hot

dogs. For the record, I guarantee you that

we are opposites. I don’t force myself to

be opposite from you; it just comes naturally.

As a matter of fact, you might inform your mother that

you could marry anyone in the world based on

her opposite premise, because honestly you are

the opposite of everyone on this planet. Maybe

that is why I am so attracted to you.

Now let’s go get a hot dog, honey. Just make

sure it’s a Five Guys hot dog or you may find

yourself barking up someone else's tree.

No Problem...He Said..She Winces

She Said by Dena Hill

We all have experiences that drive us up the wall. I was hoping that I would mellow with age, but so far, that hasn't happened.

For example— When I say "Thank you" for a service performed or a deed done, the typical response today is "No problem" instead of "You're welcome." I never said there was a problem so how does a problem enter into the picture? A simple you're welcome or okay would suffice.

In all fairness to the generation before us, such sayings as long in the tooth, fuddy duddy, all the rage, to tie the knot, to lose heart, and dry spell—when taken literally— probably had our parents confused. Each generation has its own lingo. How do you think a foreigner would interpret his nose is out of joint or a wolf in sheep's clothing or when pigs fly?

Another word that grates on my ears is library. There are two r's in library. The word is not libary. What about the word salmon? The l is silent so it sounds like sa-men. One day I heard someone denounce an opinion during a conversation by saying,
"That's a mute point." The word is moot; short o not long u.

There are, though, some exceptions. We have a Sunday School teacher who speaks eloquently but I DO listen to him. Our class is full of well-read worshippers who know the Bible backwards and forwards, so even if I thought someone was mispronouncing or misusing a word, I wouldn't correct them. Knowledge outweighs pronunciation and enunciation.

I know I've mispronounced words and I appreciate being corrected. After all, we never stop learning. I have a feeling that after this column hits the newsstand, I'll have readers yelling "No problem" at me.

I'll try to smile through my gritting teeth and crossed eyes and reply, "Was that only a slip of the tongue?"


He Said by Larry Oldham
Well, this is what I get for dating a school teacher.

Who cares what the response is when you say "Thank you" as long as there is a response? It beats a blank stare or being completely ignored. As much as I like to talk, I'm just interested in carrying on a conversation with someone. I certainly don't judge how they're using English grammar.

You must be accustomed to hearing incorrect grammar in the classroom, so you're judging everyone you see or hear. Granted, it's your job to teach acceptable speech patterns, but you need to lighten up on the general population. We speak the way we do because we were taught by our parents and their parents before them. We hand down our way of communicating the same way we hand down stories from one generation to the next. I can't worry about how foreigners interpret our language as long as I know what I mean. If they want to think that pigs really can fly, that's their problem, not mine.

Also, I've been saying "libary" my whole life and it probably isn't going to change now that you've brought it to my attention. I love books and they'll still be inside "the room" no matter how I pronounce it. The same holds true for salmon. There are six letters in that word and I'm going to pronounce every last one of them! (But I don't have to eat it, do I?)

I guess I should send up smoke signals to communicate with you because now I'm afraid I'll mispronounce a word and you'll be writing it down in your little composition book to be used in a later column. But one thing we agree on is our Sunday School class...it's great! I toyed with the idea of teaching once in a while until I realized how critical you are about grammar. Do you think you could occasionally be sick so I can teach in peace? Thank you...No problem.