He Said She Said January 2011 Showcase Magazine
He Said
January rolls around again and this means that it is
the start of a new year. Normally I would talk
about my New Years resolutions and all the things
that I hope to accomplish this year. But this year
I have decided not to do this. I am resolute in the
fact that last year was too busy. I don't even
remember what I said I was going to do so this year
I am just going to take it easy. My life is too
important for me to work so hard. I need to sit
back and relax and just take it easy this year.
Maybe I'll go on more vacations, read more, spend
more time with my friends and become more active
in fun things. I have just been concentrating this
last year on too many things for other people.
This year I need to concentrate more on me as the
old song goes. I need to make my life more
fulfilled with new ideas that I can do to make me
happy. Don't get me wrong, I want you to be happy
too, but the things that make you happy don't
always make me happy. For instance, you actually
enjoy cleaning the house, and working in the yard
makes your day, while I do not need to get dirty
or tired from hoeing the ground or sweeping the
roof, or whatever turns you on about the outside.
No, this year is going to be a big change for me.
I am going to make sure that I am happy every day,
sort of like you wanting to work outside or clean
inside; I am going to find something that I can
look forward to and get excited about. Right
now I'm excited about you getting me something
to eat and drink.
She Said
It would be redundant for me to try and even find
an answer to your ramblings. That whole contingency
of words didn't sound like anything but the same
old same old for you. You are always relaxing, you
are always reading, you are always talking about
taking trips, you are always talking about getting
together more with your friends. How about letting
me explain to you what I heard so you will understand
how the real world works and why you are so out
in left field. Let me preface this by saying that
I love you and this is only constructive information
for you to peruse and if you can justify my answers
your life will be more fulfilled, if that is what
you're trying to accomplish.
You need to get rid of Rent a Friends and try and
make some real friends of your own. You need to take
a horticulture class to learn the finer ways of
tilling the soil. Put your hands into the dirt,
feel the earth as God intended us to feel it.
You need to stop buying books. For one thing you
are out of room. You will never read all 7000
copies that you now own unless you commit a crime,
serve time and spend your remaining life in a jail cell.
I can give you a list of things that you need to
become more active in and the first would be taking
out the garbage or bringing the cans around when
you see them rolling down the street. You can help
me do the dishes after we eat, or you could even
take a food class and learn how to cook something
for us besides deviled eggs. Yes, with enough time
and space, I could give you a whole new world of
becoming active. But first I have to get you away
from the kitchen table, off the couch, and into
some new habits. Preferably helping me occasionally.
Still looking forward to the New Year? I didn't think so.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Our Christmas Wish- He Said and She Said
December 2010 – Larry Oldham and Dena Hill
Christmas comes only one time a year, so we take this
month off from our petty differences and petty whining
to be thankful for all the things that God has truly
blessed us with this year. We both have been in good
health, our children have been successful and happy,
and Sophie, Dena's poodle has been telling her that
she feels pretty good this year also. Seriously though,
we would like to take the time to thank you for all
your emails, calls, text, and comments all through
the year about the columns. People stop us on the
street almost on a daily basis and tell us they
agreed or disagreed with one of us. Most of the time
they disagree with me but that is OK because I am
not the easiest person in the world to live with.
But this December column is not about disagreement.
Today we want to offer you our Christmas Wish list.
First of all we wish that everyone would thank God
for giving us his son and that everyone would think
about the real purpose of celebrating Christmas. We
would wish for world peace and that hunger could be
eliminated all across the land. We would wish for
Cancer to be eliminated around the world and that
scientist could find a cure for all diseases that
affect our lives. We would wish for world peace in
all the families around the world, that people could
live together without conflict and without bickering.
We would wish that everyone love each other through-
out the world everyday, just not at Christmas time.
We would wish that everyone could celebrate their
religion in every part of the world and have the
freedom to live their lives as they so desire. We
would wish that the homeless could find shelter,
that the hungry could find a way to nurture themselves
on a daily basis. We would wish that everyone could
find jobs so that we all could live the American
dream and have provisions for their families. We
would wish that manners would come back into style
and that people would respect one another on an
everyday basis. We would wish that people would
understand that when they are fussing and fighting
with each other they are affecting the mindset of
their children who are taking in every word of their
argument. We would wish that everyone could
find a place in their heart to forgive others and
live by the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you”. And finally we would
wish that the spirit of Christmas could come into our
lives everyday, not just for one day, but throughout
the whole year.
Please continue to follow the column. We hope you know
that we love each other very much and thatwe love all
of you for making He Said She Said possible. Most of
the ideas in our column are experiences that we all
share everyday in our daily lives. We are just able
to write ours down on paper and by doing so, letting
you know that we all as humans have frailties,
differences, and challenges.
As we share this Christmas season our wish would be
that we all remember the reason for the season.
Tell your friends and relatives that you love them,
go to Church and thank God for all that he has given
you this year. Pray for friends that need your prayers.
Have peace in your life throughout this year.
This is our Christmas Wish.
Merry Christmas from Larry Oldham and Dena Hill-
He Said She Said
Christmas comes only one time a year, so we take this
month off from our petty differences and petty whining
to be thankful for all the things that God has truly
blessed us with this year. We both have been in good
health, our children have been successful and happy,
and Sophie, Dena's poodle has been telling her that
she feels pretty good this year also. Seriously though,
we would like to take the time to thank you for all
your emails, calls, text, and comments all through
the year about the columns. People stop us on the
street almost on a daily basis and tell us they
agreed or disagreed with one of us. Most of the time
they disagree with me but that is OK because I am
not the easiest person in the world to live with.
But this December column is not about disagreement.
Today we want to offer you our Christmas Wish list.
First of all we wish that everyone would thank God
for giving us his son and that everyone would think
about the real purpose of celebrating Christmas. We
would wish for world peace and that hunger could be
eliminated all across the land. We would wish for
Cancer to be eliminated around the world and that
scientist could find a cure for all diseases that
affect our lives. We would wish for world peace in
all the families around the world, that people could
live together without conflict and without bickering.
We would wish that everyone love each other through-
out the world everyday, just not at Christmas time.
We would wish that everyone could celebrate their
religion in every part of the world and have the
freedom to live their lives as they so desire. We
would wish that the homeless could find shelter,
that the hungry could find a way to nurture themselves
on a daily basis. We would wish that everyone could
find jobs so that we all could live the American
dream and have provisions for their families. We
would wish that manners would come back into style
and that people would respect one another on an
everyday basis. We would wish that people would
understand that when they are fussing and fighting
with each other they are affecting the mindset of
their children who are taking in every word of their
argument. We would wish that everyone could
find a place in their heart to forgive others and
live by the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you”. And finally we would
wish that the spirit of Christmas could come into our
lives everyday, not just for one day, but throughout
the whole year.
Please continue to follow the column. We hope you know
that we love each other very much and thatwe love all
of you for making He Said She Said possible. Most of
the ideas in our column are experiences that we all
share everyday in our daily lives. We are just able
to write ours down on paper and by doing so, letting
you know that we all as humans have frailties,
differences, and challenges.
As we share this Christmas season our wish would be
that we all remember the reason for the season.
Tell your friends and relatives that you love them,
go to Church and thank God for all that he has given
you this year. Pray for friends that need your prayers.
Have peace in your life throughout this year.
This is our Christmas Wish.
Merry Christmas from Larry Oldham and Dena Hill-
He Said She Said
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Getting the Facts Straight
November 2010
He Said
All over the world people are concerned about conserving
energy, going green,saving the trees, conserving water,
and cutting off the lights. But not in her house. She has
lights set up in the dog's room to come on and off by a
timer whether we are there are not. She doesn't want the
pooch wandering around in the dark looking for her favorite
toy, poor thing!. There is a light in the dining room, also
on a timer, that comes on at dusk and turns off sometime in
the middle of the night. There is a light in the foyer, also
on a timer, that comes on at dark and stays on till late at
night. There is a night light in the bathroom, the spare
bathroom I might add, that stays on all night. When she
enters a room she turns on the light. When she enters another
room she turns on the light. None of these lights get turned
off until she is ready to go to bed. When I ask her about
conserving energy, her response is usually something like a
light bulb cost about fifty cents to burn all month. When I
ask her where she gets her information, she says the Internet.
As we all know the Internet is now our main source of knowledge.
We also know that the Internet information highway is strewn with
not only useless information, but also misguided information.
I am not saying that the fifty cents guideline is wrong,
but as my Mother use to say," a penny saved is a penny earned".
I have noticed that since the time we have dated,her children
have learned well from their mother. No light in the house is
ever turned off until bedtime. Her other response is she wants
to have the house look lived in. "If all the lights are out in
the house, the house looks unhealthy" , she says. I guess to me
getting a five hundred dollar light bill every month would make
me and my wallet feel unhealthy.
She Said
I love Thomas Kincaid's paintings and the closest I'm going
to get to a serene setting like that is by leaving a few lights
on here and there. Which is more inviting...a dark, gloomy
house that is an invitation to be broken into or a home glowing
with lights and warmth from a fire in the fireplace and
maybe even soft music playing. Who wants to walk around
in a house stumbling over chairs, bumping into doors, or
tripping over someone's shoes who couldn't quite find a place
for them other than in the middle of the floor? Mr. Scrooge
wants everything turned off as a person leaves the room and
turned on again when they come back. Have you seen the TV
commercial of the man who goes around the house unplugging
lights, coffee maker, toaster, radio, TV, etc., to save
electricity? You wrote that ad didn't you, Mr. Ad Man?
Who is going to crawl behind the sofa, bed, kitchen cabinet,
etc, to plug them back in when they are needed again?
I remember going to my Dad's in Virginia Beach on weekends
from college and when we drove up, all the yard lights
were on as well as the lights inside. What a welcome home!
It just wouldn't have been the same if I drove up to
a dark house. As far as my kids go, if leaving lights
on is something they learned from me then I'll take it
as a compliment that maybe some other things I taught
them are etched in their minds.
He Said
All over the world people are concerned about conserving
energy, going green,saving the trees, conserving water,
and cutting off the lights. But not in her house. She has
lights set up in the dog's room to come on and off by a
timer whether we are there are not. She doesn't want the
pooch wandering around in the dark looking for her favorite
toy, poor thing!. There is a light in the dining room, also
on a timer, that comes on at dusk and turns off sometime in
the middle of the night. There is a light in the foyer, also
on a timer, that comes on at dark and stays on till late at
night. There is a night light in the bathroom, the spare
bathroom I might add, that stays on all night. When she
enters a room she turns on the light. When she enters another
room she turns on the light. None of these lights get turned
off until she is ready to go to bed. When I ask her about
conserving energy, her response is usually something like a
light bulb cost about fifty cents to burn all month. When I
ask her where she gets her information, she says the Internet.
As we all know the Internet is now our main source of knowledge.
We also know that the Internet information highway is strewn with
not only useless information, but also misguided information.
I am not saying that the fifty cents guideline is wrong,
but as my Mother use to say," a penny saved is a penny earned".
I have noticed that since the time we have dated,her children
have learned well from their mother. No light in the house is
ever turned off until bedtime. Her other response is she wants
to have the house look lived in. "If all the lights are out in
the house, the house looks unhealthy" , she says. I guess to me
getting a five hundred dollar light bill every month would make
me and my wallet feel unhealthy.
She Said
I love Thomas Kincaid's paintings and the closest I'm going
to get to a serene setting like that is by leaving a few lights
on here and there. Which is more inviting...a dark, gloomy
house that is an invitation to be broken into or a home glowing
with lights and warmth from a fire in the fireplace and
maybe even soft music playing. Who wants to walk around
in a house stumbling over chairs, bumping into doors, or
tripping over someone's shoes who couldn't quite find a place
for them other than in the middle of the floor? Mr. Scrooge
wants everything turned off as a person leaves the room and
turned on again when they come back. Have you seen the TV
commercial of the man who goes around the house unplugging
lights, coffee maker, toaster, radio, TV, etc., to save
electricity? You wrote that ad didn't you, Mr. Ad Man?
Who is going to crawl behind the sofa, bed, kitchen cabinet,
etc, to plug them back in when they are needed again?
I remember going to my Dad's in Virginia Beach on weekends
from college and when we drove up, all the yard lights
were on as well as the lights inside. What a welcome home!
It just wouldn't have been the same if I drove up to
a dark house. As far as my kids go, if leaving lights
on is something they learned from me then I'll take it
as a compliment that maybe some other things I taught
them are etched in their minds.
The Look of Love
He Said
Men and women have always seen the world though different
eyes. She and I can look at the horizon on the beach and
she sees a beautiful golden sun rising over the deep blue
ocean. I see a sailor’s lament “ RED SKY IN THE MORNING,
SAILORS TAKE WARNING. RED SKY AT NIGHT, SAILOR’S DELIGHT”.
She and I can also listen to the same conversation and
come up with entirely different interpretations. How can
this be? We both hear the same conversation and two minutes
later we are discussing the message from two different
perspectives. The other morning I stopped by her house
for breakfast. I kissed her good morning, we chatted a bit,
and ate breakfast together . I kissed her goodbye and left
for work. Later that night we were eating dinner together
and I ask her if she noticed anything different about me.
She said, “now that you mention it, it does look like you
have lost a few pounds”.
" A few pounds, my foot! I shaved my beard off two days
ago and you haven't even noticed!" I said. Now in case you
have missed the point, she can look at me, kiss me, hug me,
talk to me, sit across from me at the table for a couple of
meals and never really see me. I have had this growth on my
face for years. The moral of this rant is this. Your better
half can look at you and never see you. Or to put it another
way, they may only see the part of you that they want to see.
She could be looking right through me because she doesn’t want
to see me. I can guarantee you one thing. If she ever grows a
beard, Mr. Observant here will be the first to know it, and
believe you me, I will tell her.
She Said
Why is everything always all about you? Did it ever occur to
you that I may have had my mind on other things: like work,
what to wear, is it a bad hair day, or does Sophie need
anything before I leave? I mean important things! You can
shave your beard and it grows back in two days so what have
I missed? Sure, we see things differently. That just means
that I'm right and you're wrong but since I choose my battles,
I just keep quiet most of the time. That's a pretty deep
thought...I look at you and don't really "see" you. When I
look at you, I see a gentle, loving man who cares deeply
about his family, his work, his church, and his friends.
I see someone with a passion for shopping, collecting
"trinkets", listening to music, and joking around with
everyone. I see someone who has a lot of talent in the
field of art but won't develop it. I see a man who hates
exercise but loves to eat and also one who would rather
be inside than outside. I see you as extremely
argumentative when you really don't care about the
opposing side; you just want to ignite controversy.
So if I don't know whether you have bristles on your
face or not from one day to the next, what does it
matter? I do see the real you. I think your face looks
nice albeit with years of expression lines (wrinkles);
but I like the beard too. Maybe you can grow it back
by winter so it'll keep your face warm. By the way...did
you notice that I cleaned the house, cut the grass,
chopped down weeds in the back yard, fixed dinner,
washed and ironed clothes, and did the grocery shopping?
I didn't think so
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Hot Diggitty Dog
He Said
My mother always told me that opposites attract.
I guess this means I will marry someone
who is a polar opposite of me. Trying to put
all of this into context with my fiancé, I have
come up with either a great discovery or I'm
barking up the wrong tree.(No pun intended).
She does not like hot dogs. Following my
mother’s logic, this is a good thing. Using common
sense dictates that I have to be awfully
careful in determining how I can possibly marry a
girl who hates hot dogs? I love everything else
about her. She is a gracious, giving, and caring
person but how do you live with someone who hates
Yum Yum hot dogs? If you don’t know this by now,
"Yum Yum Better Ice Cream," the official name of the diner
in Greensboro, has the best hot dogs In the Universe.
They have home made chili, homemade slaw, onions cut up
just right, and some of the best hot dog wieners you
have ever tasted in your life. She won’t eat them.
She refuses to even go in the place because it makes
her smell like a hot dog. I go in there dressed
only in Speedo’s because I WANT to go home smelling
like the best hot dog in the world. That way I can
enjoy it longer. (I might have stretched that
last part by a tad.) I don’t have Speedo’s and if
I did, I would not go out in public, but that's
another column. So I share with you my dilemma.
Do I marry a wholesome, talented, beautiful woman
who hates hot dogs? Am I making too big a deal about
this situation? Do I send her to hot dog culinary
school to learn about the finer taste in life? Do I
just drop the subject all together and continue to
sneak a dog when I can?
She Said
If you ask me this whole column has gone to the dogs.
The trouble with you is that you are so involved with
yourself, that you cannot for the life of you see
what's going on around you. When did I say that I
did not like hot dogs? Charlottesville, Virginia Beach,
Charlotte, Greensboro, Myrtle Beach, and Emporia all
have one thing in common. Can you, in your small
minded world, imagine any common thread, that would bring
all these cities together in two little words?
Question #1 is "which dining establishment is
located in all of these cities?" Question # 2 is
"what do I order in this restaurant every
single time?" Questioni #3 “why do I order this?
Can you say “Five Guys”? I love their hot dogs!!
There! I said it and now we can get married if
that is your only holdup. Your problem seems
to be that you want me to love all hot dogs
the same. I personally cannot see why
anyone would want to eat a red hot dog.
Exactly what is in it? I've heard that all
the left over parts of pigs, chickens, roosters,
cows and turkey is what makes up a red
hot dog, and as much as I love you, I am
not eating pig snouts churned into red hot
dogs. For the record, I guarantee you that
we are opposites. I don’t force myself to
be opposite from you; it just comes naturally.
As a matter of fact, you might inform your mother that
you could marry anyone in the world based on
her opposite premise, because honestly you are
the opposite of everyone on this planet. Maybe
that is why I am so attracted to you.
Now let’s go get a hot dog, honey. Just make
sure it’s a Five Guys hot dog or you may find
yourself barking up someone else's tree.
My mother always told me that opposites attract.
I guess this means I will marry someone
who is a polar opposite of me. Trying to put
all of this into context with my fiancé, I have
come up with either a great discovery or I'm
barking up the wrong tree.(No pun intended).
She does not like hot dogs. Following my
mother’s logic, this is a good thing. Using common
sense dictates that I have to be awfully
careful in determining how I can possibly marry a
girl who hates hot dogs? I love everything else
about her. She is a gracious, giving, and caring
person but how do you live with someone who hates
Yum Yum hot dogs? If you don’t know this by now,
"Yum Yum Better Ice Cream," the official name of the diner
in Greensboro, has the best hot dogs In the Universe.
They have home made chili, homemade slaw, onions cut up
just right, and some of the best hot dog wieners you
have ever tasted in your life. She won’t eat them.
She refuses to even go in the place because it makes
her smell like a hot dog. I go in there dressed
only in Speedo’s because I WANT to go home smelling
like the best hot dog in the world. That way I can
enjoy it longer. (I might have stretched that
last part by a tad.) I don’t have Speedo’s and if
I did, I would not go out in public, but that's
another column. So I share with you my dilemma.
Do I marry a wholesome, talented, beautiful woman
who hates hot dogs? Am I making too big a deal about
this situation? Do I send her to hot dog culinary
school to learn about the finer taste in life? Do I
just drop the subject all together and continue to
sneak a dog when I can?
She Said
If you ask me this whole column has gone to the dogs.
The trouble with you is that you are so involved with
yourself, that you cannot for the life of you see
what's going on around you. When did I say that I
did not like hot dogs? Charlottesville, Virginia Beach,
Charlotte, Greensboro, Myrtle Beach, and Emporia all
have one thing in common. Can you, in your small
minded world, imagine any common thread, that would bring
all these cities together in two little words?
Question #1 is "which dining establishment is
located in all of these cities?" Question # 2 is
"what do I order in this restaurant every
single time?" Questioni #3 “why do I order this?
Can you say “Five Guys”? I love their hot dogs!!
There! I said it and now we can get married if
that is your only holdup. Your problem seems
to be that you want me to love all hot dogs
the same. I personally cannot see why
anyone would want to eat a red hot dog.
Exactly what is in it? I've heard that all
the left over parts of pigs, chickens, roosters,
cows and turkey is what makes up a red
hot dog, and as much as I love you, I am
not eating pig snouts churned into red hot
dogs. For the record, I guarantee you that
we are opposites. I don’t force myself to
be opposite from you; it just comes naturally.
As a matter of fact, you might inform your mother that
you could marry anyone in the world based on
her opposite premise, because honestly you are
the opposite of everyone on this planet. Maybe
that is why I am so attracted to you.
Now let’s go get a hot dog, honey. Just make
sure it’s a Five Guys hot dog or you may find
yourself barking up someone else's tree.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Painting the Town
He Said She Said – Showcase Magazine August 2010 –
He Said
In July she had a few weeks off and I casually asked
her what we would be doing. This is the time when
families take vacations and spend quality time
together....and we have. She is up on a ladder
painting and I am drinking tea and reading my book.
I don't want you to think this is another woe is me
column because it isn't. She is perfectly happy painting
and I am perfectly happy watching. Before you start
cheering for her and booing for me, let's look at the
whole picture. The only person that I know of who
ever liked her purple living room was she and several
people who came by and lied to her. Who paints
their living room purple? She has told me that she
is out of her purple stage and into her teal stage.
There is a hint of teal in all rooms. All of this is
fine with me and I am not complaining. OK , one little
complaint, or maybe two. One living room, seven trips
to the paint store, one reupholstered couch to
match the new living room color, four hours on the
computer looking up matching materials, two trips
to Greensboro to look at patterns, twelve phone calls
looking for just the right upholsterer to do a good
job, three trips to stores to find the correct matching
pillows, two days of painting, opening up the freezer
door to get ice cream and finding used paint brushes
instead, three hours of moving and removing furniture,
and several hours of sitting in the living room oohing
and ahhing. She came in this week and said “since you
liked it so much better than before, I have decided to
paint one or two of the other rooms this summer.”
I have been on the phone all morning trying to book
a flight to Anywhere, USA.
She Said
Would you like some crackers with that whine?
I agree with some of the things you are saying
but I do not totally agree with the others.
Just to set the story straight, let me give
you my version of what really took place in July.
You had not mentioned the cruise line trip. You
had not mentioned going anywhere on vacation.
You had not offered to take me anywhere special
to dine. You had not even hinted about building
a Florida room. There has been no mention of a
new car, going to New York, going to visit my
girlfriend in Atlanta, or even going to Bubba's
for ice cream. I happen to know that the important
things in your life are eating, reading, working,
and sitting, in that order. A girl needs a little
color in her life. She needs brightness, pizazz,
excitement, change, newness, and I am not talking
about a new boyfriend. You are content to sit and read.
You are content to just drink your tea and tell me
long tales about your adventures(going to Ma Possum's for lunch).
I have chosen to take another route and add spice to
my life. A new paint job to me is like a new book to you.
I know you feel guilty because I cut down all the
shubbery, trimmed back all the trees, planted new
flowers, cut back all the ivy on the wall, and
you didn't get to help.(lol). You did volunteer
to paint, but you would have gotten it on everything
except the walls, complained the whole time about
having to paint, and after we were finished, you
would have told everyone on facebook and in this
column how hard I made you work. It is just not
worth it to hear you whine. So if you will excuse
me, I have got to run over to the paint store
for some more paint. Oh did I happen to mention
how cute the guy was in the paint department?
He Said
In July she had a few weeks off and I casually asked
her what we would be doing. This is the time when
families take vacations and spend quality time
together....and we have. She is up on a ladder
painting and I am drinking tea and reading my book.
I don't want you to think this is another woe is me
column because it isn't. She is perfectly happy painting
and I am perfectly happy watching. Before you start
cheering for her and booing for me, let's look at the
whole picture. The only person that I know of who
ever liked her purple living room was she and several
people who came by and lied to her. Who paints
their living room purple? She has told me that she
is out of her purple stage and into her teal stage.
There is a hint of teal in all rooms. All of this is
fine with me and I am not complaining. OK , one little
complaint, or maybe two. One living room, seven trips
to the paint store, one reupholstered couch to
match the new living room color, four hours on the
computer looking up matching materials, two trips
to Greensboro to look at patterns, twelve phone calls
looking for just the right upholsterer to do a good
job, three trips to stores to find the correct matching
pillows, two days of painting, opening up the freezer
door to get ice cream and finding used paint brushes
instead, three hours of moving and removing furniture,
and several hours of sitting in the living room oohing
and ahhing. She came in this week and said “since you
liked it so much better than before, I have decided to
paint one or two of the other rooms this summer.”
I have been on the phone all morning trying to book
a flight to Anywhere, USA.
She Said
Would you like some crackers with that whine?
I agree with some of the things you are saying
but I do not totally agree with the others.
Just to set the story straight, let me give
you my version of what really took place in July.
You had not mentioned the cruise line trip. You
had not mentioned going anywhere on vacation.
You had not offered to take me anywhere special
to dine. You had not even hinted about building
a Florida room. There has been no mention of a
new car, going to New York, going to visit my
girlfriend in Atlanta, or even going to Bubba's
for ice cream. I happen to know that the important
things in your life are eating, reading, working,
and sitting, in that order. A girl needs a little
color in her life. She needs brightness, pizazz,
excitement, change, newness, and I am not talking
about a new boyfriend. You are content to sit and read.
You are content to just drink your tea and tell me
long tales about your adventures(going to Ma Possum's for lunch).
I have chosen to take another route and add spice to
my life. A new paint job to me is like a new book to you.
I know you feel guilty because I cut down all the
shubbery, trimmed back all the trees, planted new
flowers, cut back all the ivy on the wall, and
you didn't get to help.(lol). You did volunteer
to paint, but you would have gotten it on everything
except the walls, complained the whole time about
having to paint, and after we were finished, you
would have told everyone on facebook and in this
column how hard I made you work. It is just not
worth it to hear you whine. So if you will excuse
me, I have got to run over to the paint store
for some more paint. Oh did I happen to mention
how cute the guy was in the paint department?
The Big Bang Theory
He Said She Said July Showcase Magazine 2010
He Said
The month of July to me usually means food at mom's
house, watermelon, homemade ice cream,
hot dogs, the American Flag, and sometimes patriotic
speeches.
To you it only means one thing. The height of your
year means fireworks on the 4th of July....all night
long. You want to leave one display and hit the road
searching for another one. I love you and all that;
I would do anything for you and you must admit I usually do.
As you know, I always go to the fireworks displays, just
to please you. Just so you know...I never enjoy them.
I remember last year I took a book and a flashlight.
What do you get out of it? It is loud. It makes you
craine your neck all night and I keep hearing the same
phrase : "that one is pretty, this one was not a pretty
as the last one, oh, did you see how spectacular that
one was, and oh, I just loved that one." How am I
suppose to read my book with you asking or telling me a
play by play of the fireworks. I personally think fireworks
are too expensive, offer no social redeeming value, and the
noise renders my hearing mute for two days. The people
beside us are talking too loudly, oohing and ahhing all night,
their dog is barking or yelping, their
children are crying, screaming, or asking for something
to drink all night long. I am as patriotic
as the next guy, but this year instead of going to see
the fireworks let's just go bowling. If there is
going to be noise, it might as well be those bowling
pins crashing down where we can at least hear
loud noises while sitting in a air conditioned lounge.
We can wear those patriotic t-shirts you bought us
last year and play country patriotic songs on the jukebox.
I know these words are futile. I know we don't bowl.
I know we will be sitting on a blanket on some
dark hill, craining my neck, shooing away flies, sweat
pouring down my face, my rear end completely
numb, my throat parched, my eardrums busted, and my
head throbbing.
Oh well, when you turn to me and ask " are you having fun?"
I will just smile at you and say," Oh, did you see how
pretty that one was."
She Said
You are so full of it! If I had any idea that I've
been dragging you kicking and screeming to fireworks'
displays, I'd have left you at home. You're a people
person and can't wait to mix with a crowd just for
the social aspects. Half of the time you don't even
know there are fireworks going on because I can't
hear them over the sound of your voice talking with
whoever is beside you. For arguments' sake, let's
just say you do know it's July 4th. I really don't
think our forefathers were focused on hot dogs,
ice cream, watermelon, or mosquitos. They had more
important events planned. I'm having a hard time
picturing Abraham Lincoln complaining about no
air conditioning while swatting flies that are
consuming his hot dog! We're talking about a
man who was for the most part self educated by
light from a fireplace. He had several failed
jobs before entering the political arena but
he pursued his dream of making the world a better
place for future generations. So for July 4th,
why not thank our forefathers for leading us to
where we are today instead of whining about a
little noise that comes from a few fireworks.
You should be ashamed of yourself!
He Said
The month of July to me usually means food at mom's
house, watermelon, homemade ice cream,
hot dogs, the American Flag, and sometimes patriotic
speeches.
To you it only means one thing. The height of your
year means fireworks on the 4th of July....all night
long. You want to leave one display and hit the road
searching for another one. I love you and all that;
I would do anything for you and you must admit I usually do.
As you know, I always go to the fireworks displays, just
to please you. Just so you know...I never enjoy them.
I remember last year I took a book and a flashlight.
What do you get out of it? It is loud. It makes you
craine your neck all night and I keep hearing the same
phrase : "that one is pretty, this one was not a pretty
as the last one, oh, did you see how spectacular that
one was, and oh, I just loved that one." How am I
suppose to read my book with you asking or telling me a
play by play of the fireworks. I personally think fireworks
are too expensive, offer no social redeeming value, and the
noise renders my hearing mute for two days. The people
beside us are talking too loudly, oohing and ahhing all night,
their dog is barking or yelping, their
children are crying, screaming, or asking for something
to drink all night long. I am as patriotic
as the next guy, but this year instead of going to see
the fireworks let's just go bowling. If there is
going to be noise, it might as well be those bowling
pins crashing down where we can at least hear
loud noises while sitting in a air conditioned lounge.
We can wear those patriotic t-shirts you bought us
last year and play country patriotic songs on the jukebox.
I know these words are futile. I know we don't bowl.
I know we will be sitting on a blanket on some
dark hill, craining my neck, shooing away flies, sweat
pouring down my face, my rear end completely
numb, my throat parched, my eardrums busted, and my
head throbbing.
Oh well, when you turn to me and ask " are you having fun?"
I will just smile at you and say," Oh, did you see how
pretty that one was."
She Said
You are so full of it! If I had any idea that I've
been dragging you kicking and screeming to fireworks'
displays, I'd have left you at home. You're a people
person and can't wait to mix with a crowd just for
the social aspects. Half of the time you don't even
know there are fireworks going on because I can't
hear them over the sound of your voice talking with
whoever is beside you. For arguments' sake, let's
just say you do know it's July 4th. I really don't
think our forefathers were focused on hot dogs,
ice cream, watermelon, or mosquitos. They had more
important events planned. I'm having a hard time
picturing Abraham Lincoln complaining about no
air conditioning while swatting flies that are
consuming his hot dog! We're talking about a
man who was for the most part self educated by
light from a fireplace. He had several failed
jobs before entering the political arena but
he pursued his dream of making the world a better
place for future generations. So for July 4th,
why not thank our forefathers for leading us to
where we are today instead of whining about a
little noise that comes from a few fireworks.
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The Tail Wagging the Dog
He Said
As everyone knows the dog of the house has been a
bone of contention for some time.
(no pun intended)
I like the dog and the dog likes me. That's not
the problem. The problem is the tail wags
the dog in our house. The dog gets fed first
before the grown ups. The dog gets walked
every day and the dog gets taken outdoors to
do her business whenever she gives a little cough.
Did I happen to mention that the dog has taken two
obedience classes and flunked both of them?
She has diploma's from both schools, but they were
bought with hundreds of dollars because she attended
all classes..
Reminds me of these diploma mills that you see in
the back of magazine’s where you can be proficient
at watering the lawn and get a degree with a few bucks.
The dog is cute and all that but she has no manners, she
still jumps on everyone, urinates on the floor if a
stranger gets too close and still barks for attention.
How can you chase the burgulars away by wetting on them?
Do the burglars leave to change
clothes or because of the rancid odor? Maybe they
just get P.O'd (no pun intended again) and leave? We did
not train her as a watch dog, although she scares
the heck out of many birds and squirrels if they get
in her yard. I did run into the last trainer this
week and told her some of these concerns. I told her
that everything she had been taught in dog school
is gone and she has reverted back to her old ways.
She said why don't you let me have her for 3 weeks
and I'll get her straight. The problem is I don't
think she will go because she has to teach school,
but I do plan on asking her.
She Said
Real Cute! I cannot believe that you have stooped
this low to talk about my Sophie. She is the sweetest
dog in the world and I love her very much. I know
you think she is only a dog, but to me she is almost
like a child of mine. She kisses me, hugs me,
and looks into my eyes like she could eat me up.
Then you go and talk about her like she is a dog.
I will admit that I have been busy lately and haven't
had as much time as I would like to keep up her training.
For the most part she is well behaved, and
you must admit that last week when I took her
to the Vet for a sleepover, she was having a
blast standing up on the counter so she could help
wait on the customers. Didn't you think that
was cute? I HAVE to wait on her because I am the only
mother that she has. I think you are just
envious because I don't take you
for a walk, or pour chicken juice on your
food or buy you bones to chew on. You're
old enough to take care of yourself and your
mother lives close by in Greensboro. I am not
about to be your surrogate mother. Sophie on
the other hand needs me so I give her my attention
as I see fit. You need to get over your jealousy
concerning the dog or maybe you need to go take
obiedience classes for a few weeks. It is not
the tail wagging thedog at all but if I put a
Gentle Leader around your snout, will you shut up?
What's Your Sign?
He Said
In going over some of our past columns and reading
about all of your negative opinions about me,
I decided to do some research into just what
my problems are.. Finding the answer was not
easy. After hours of research, I think I
understand why you find me so different.
The answer is quite simple really, I AM A LIBRA.
Since you don’t believe in Sun Signs in Astrology
you wouldn’t understand what makes me tick.
Here is what I found. “ Libra’s have elegance,
charm, good taste, are naturally kind, very
gentle, and loves harmony ( both music and social living)
and the pleasures that these bring.
Libra’s are sensitive to the needs of others
and have a gift, almost a psychic ability to
understand the emotional needs of their companions.
They do their best to cooperate and
compromise with everyone around them. Even though
Libra’s are diplomatic, they enjoy
seeing things from other people’s point of view.
Libra’s have an outgoing nature and one of
their strengths are in communicating brilliant
ideas to people.They are rarely at a loss for
words… even on their worst day, they have the
gift of gab. Since Libra’s ruling planet is
Venus, which is a soft and gracious planet and
feminine by nature, it gives a
Libran a softer side. Libran’s do have some
negative traits, they are flirtatious, impatient of
routine, easy going to the point of inertia,
but are seldom angry unless cheated or they
become aware of dishonesty in their dealings.
Libra’s are also known as “lazy Libra” and
they dislike coarse dirty work. Most Libra’s are
writers, lawyers, artist, composers, critics,
interior designers and managers of public
entertainment.”
I hope you can appreciate my efforts in
discovering all these facts in my research
so you can
better understand what makes me the man that
I am. I was never really lazy or never tried to
get out of helping in the yard; I was just born a Libra.
She Said
Doing research to compensate for your “laziness”
or lack of energy to do anything around the
house is almost laughable. Just because you found
out you were a Libra does not excuse
you from taking out the garbage. This newest
lame brain attempt to bypass your
responsibilities as a man is about the lowest
I have ever seen you go. It sounds like being a
Libra is an excusable disease or something. You
are right though when you say I don’t
believe in Astrology or believe that Sun Signs
should guide us on life’s journey. To make you
happy, I am putting my answer in the same vernacular,
I did some research on my own
about Libra’s. I found that “Libran’s do not tolerate
argument from anyone who challenges
their opinions; once they have reached a conclusion,
it’s truth seems to them to be
self-evident, and their faults is an impatience
of criticism and a greed for approval.” That
pretty much sums up my definition of you as a Libra.
Once you have made your point, there
is no need for me or anyone else to disagree with you.
I also found that Libra’s, because
Venus is the planet of love, “seeks love in everything
they do, particularly in relationships."
Finding their soul mate is a big dream, perhaps
even the most significant life mission and
very few Libra’s find the peace and satisfaction
they are looking for until they have connected
with that special person." If Sun Signs determine
who we are, how do you explain the fact
that I'm the easy going one in our relationship and I'm a Scorpio?
In going over some of our past columns and reading
about all of your negative opinions about me,
I decided to do some research into just what
my problems are.. Finding the answer was not
easy. After hours of research, I think I
understand why you find me so different.
The answer is quite simple really, I AM A LIBRA.
Since you don’t believe in Sun Signs in Astrology
you wouldn’t understand what makes me tick.
Here is what I found. “ Libra’s have elegance,
charm, good taste, are naturally kind, very
gentle, and loves harmony ( both music and social living)
and the pleasures that these bring.
Libra’s are sensitive to the needs of others
and have a gift, almost a psychic ability to
understand the emotional needs of their companions.
They do their best to cooperate and
compromise with everyone around them. Even though
Libra’s are diplomatic, they enjoy
seeing things from other people’s point of view.
Libra’s have an outgoing nature and one of
their strengths are in communicating brilliant
ideas to people.They are rarely at a loss for
words… even on their worst day, they have the
gift of gab. Since Libra’s ruling planet is
Venus, which is a soft and gracious planet and
feminine by nature, it gives a
Libran a softer side. Libran’s do have some
negative traits, they are flirtatious, impatient of
routine, easy going to the point of inertia,
but are seldom angry unless cheated or they
become aware of dishonesty in their dealings.
Libra’s are also known as “lazy Libra” and
they dislike coarse dirty work. Most Libra’s are
writers, lawyers, artist, composers, critics,
interior designers and managers of public
entertainment.”
I hope you can appreciate my efforts in
discovering all these facts in my research
so you can
better understand what makes me the man that
I am. I was never really lazy or never tried to
get out of helping in the yard; I was just born a Libra.
She Said
Doing research to compensate for your “laziness”
or lack of energy to do anything around the
house is almost laughable. Just because you found
out you were a Libra does not excuse
you from taking out the garbage. This newest
lame brain attempt to bypass your
responsibilities as a man is about the lowest
I have ever seen you go. It sounds like being a
Libra is an excusable disease or something. You
are right though when you say I don’t
believe in Astrology or believe that Sun Signs
should guide us on life’s journey. To make you
happy, I am putting my answer in the same vernacular,
I did some research on my own
about Libra’s. I found that “Libran’s do not tolerate
argument from anyone who challenges
their opinions; once they have reached a conclusion,
it’s truth seems to them to be
self-evident, and their faults is an impatience
of criticism and a greed for approval.” That
pretty much sums up my definition of you as a Libra.
Once you have made your point, there
is no need for me or anyone else to disagree with you.
I also found that Libra’s, because
Venus is the planet of love, “seeks love in everything
they do, particularly in relationships."
Finding their soul mate is a big dream, perhaps
even the most significant life mission and
very few Libra’s find the peace and satisfaction
they are looking for until they have connected
with that special person." If Sun Signs determine
who we are, how do you explain the fact
that I'm the easy going one in our relationship and I'm a Scorpio?
Monday, April 5, 2010
How to Please a woman
He Said
April is here and as you know with April comes
the honeydew list. We have talked about this
before and this year will be no different. I
am not going through the litany of every chore
that will need to be done around the house and
throughout the house. Go back to last spring
or the spring before and you'll see what I mean.
I'm trying to think of a new way this year to
get you to think outside the box. What if we
didn't do the same old things like cut the
grass or paint the living room? What if we
did something more exciting with our lives
this year? As a couple we only have a certain
amount of time to share together in our lifetime.
Why not make an exception this year and try
something new? The trick is going to be making
it so attractive that you will buy right into
it without objection. Taking you on a cruise
would be easy, you would fall for that because
it would be fun, but that would only be for one
week, two at the most. This new idea has to be
a whole summer of joy so intense that you would
forget all about the honeydew list and things
that need to be accomplished around the house.
It seems like the goal has to be to get you to
stop thinking about a chore list and start
thinking about ways to make me happy.If you are
spending all of your time satisfying me, you will
have no time left to spend on chores. The problem
is simple. I'll buy you a new house, so there is
nothing to clean or fix up. I will buy you a new
car so you will want to drive everywhere on vacation
(shopping!) I will buy you all new furniture and
appliances so you don't have to worry about repairs.
I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe so you don't have
to worry about clothes. On second thought I don't
think you would be dumb enough to fall for this.
You would see right through me. The good news is:
I just saved a ton of money!
She Said
It's ironic how similar our life's goals were when
we started dating twelve years ago. We talked about
sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and
growing old together. Three of our five children
were nearly grown and the other two were well
on their way. But as the years passed by all too
quickly, plans evolved in different directions.
You want to retire (someday) in Myrtle Beach
and I don't. The oceans' rushing waves remind
me that life is rushing by also and I picture
myself relaxing by a lazy river setting instead.
I plan on working as long as I can because too
many of our friends have passed away shortly after
retiring. I'll always have a project going on
because I don't stay idle very well. I like seeing
the fruits of my labor which is why I don't
mind housework, painting, cooking, etc. You have
an extraordinary talent as an artist and you
choose to waste it instead of drawing, painting,
etc. Wouldn't it be nice to have your work
hanging on the walls rather than art done by
someone we've never heard of? So I'll make a
promise to you that I won't ask you to do one
thing around the house this spring if you'll
make a promise to me...spend some time this
summer sitting at your easel and painting
so I can hang it up ...after I get the living
room redecorated.
April is here and as you know with April comes
the honeydew list. We have talked about this
before and this year will be no different. I
am not going through the litany of every chore
that will need to be done around the house and
throughout the house. Go back to last spring
or the spring before and you'll see what I mean.
I'm trying to think of a new way this year to
get you to think outside the box. What if we
didn't do the same old things like cut the
grass or paint the living room? What if we
did something more exciting with our lives
this year? As a couple we only have a certain
amount of time to share together in our lifetime.
Why not make an exception this year and try
something new? The trick is going to be making
it so attractive that you will buy right into
it without objection. Taking you on a cruise
would be easy, you would fall for that because
it would be fun, but that would only be for one
week, two at the most. This new idea has to be
a whole summer of joy so intense that you would
forget all about the honeydew list and things
that need to be accomplished around the house.
It seems like the goal has to be to get you to
stop thinking about a chore list and start
thinking about ways to make me happy.If you are
spending all of your time satisfying me, you will
have no time left to spend on chores. The problem
is simple. I'll buy you a new house, so there is
nothing to clean or fix up. I will buy you a new
car so you will want to drive everywhere on vacation
(shopping!) I will buy you all new furniture and
appliances so you don't have to worry about repairs.
I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe so you don't have
to worry about clothes. On second thought I don't
think you would be dumb enough to fall for this.
You would see right through me. The good news is:
I just saved a ton of money!
She Said
It's ironic how similar our life's goals were when
we started dating twelve years ago. We talked about
sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and
growing old together. Three of our five children
were nearly grown and the other two were well
on their way. But as the years passed by all too
quickly, plans evolved in different directions.
You want to retire (someday) in Myrtle Beach
and I don't. The oceans' rushing waves remind
me that life is rushing by also and I picture
myself relaxing by a lazy river setting instead.
I plan on working as long as I can because too
many of our friends have passed away shortly after
retiring. I'll always have a project going on
because I don't stay idle very well. I like seeing
the fruits of my labor which is why I don't
mind housework, painting, cooking, etc. You have
an extraordinary talent as an artist and you
choose to waste it instead of drawing, painting,
etc. Wouldn't it be nice to have your work
hanging on the walls rather than art done by
someone we've never heard of? So I'll make a
promise to you that I won't ask you to do one
thing around the house this spring if you'll
make a promise to me...spend some time this
summer sitting at your easel and painting
so I can hang it up ...after I get the living
room redecorated.
Keeping it Real
She Said
By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter
should be behind us. Do you remember when we first
started dating, you told me that on weekends, your
ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up
because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well,
there are several inches of snow and ice on the
ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however,
I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately
because your hair looks like you were pardoned
thirty seconds after the switch was pulled!
Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush?
Seems like I remember another facebook entry
from you stating that "there wouldn't be as
many divorces if you tried as hard to keep
your partner as you did to get her". We all
fall into that marriage mode after a few years
and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly,
at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite
appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when
I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice
to come in, shower and relax, skipping
hairstyling and make-up. I know the way
I look doesn't change the way you feel about
me and vice versa.
Don't worry though, I won't take advantage
of your good nature by going to WalMart in
hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina
where the female population actually goes
shopping on Saturday morning with rollers
the size of orange juice cans. We can vow
to keep each other in check better than that.
He Said
Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer
this month , but I will give it the old
proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today ,
I just threw on a toboggan and hurried over to
your house before the snow got too deep, so we
could spend the whole day together( I see you
over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and
washing my hair and coming to your house is
the only thing keeping us together , let's
stock up on plenty of Prell shampoo or whatever
brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I
was probably talking about romance, flowers,
cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep
their woman happy. I know that when you are
not planning on leaving the house your M.O.
is to maybe wash your hair and let it dry
naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.
I understand that and to me that would seem to
say I know you love me no matter what I look
like , so I will just go with my natural look..
however, when I go out, I want to look my best,
dressed to the t, so I can know that the world
will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best
for them.
Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at
your best. Maybe I want to see you looking
extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you
want me to go to any store with you in hairculers
is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul,
rent a truck, and move you to that little old
town in North Carolina where all the women shop
with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that
day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.
So next time I come over, my hair will be clean,
my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean,
and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.
You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?
By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter
should be behind us. Do you remember when we first
started dating, you told me that on weekends, your
ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up
because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well,
there are several inches of snow and ice on the
ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however,
I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately
because your hair looks like you were pardoned
thirty seconds after the switch was pulled!
Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush?
Seems like I remember another facebook entry
from you stating that "there wouldn't be as
many divorces if you tried as hard to keep
your partner as you did to get her". We all
fall into that marriage mode after a few years
and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly,
at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite
appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when
I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice
to come in, shower and relax, skipping
hairstyling and make-up. I know the way
I look doesn't change the way you feel about
me and vice versa.
Don't worry though, I won't take advantage
of your good nature by going to WalMart in
hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina
where the female population actually goes
shopping on Saturday morning with rollers
the size of orange juice cans. We can vow
to keep each other in check better than that.
He Said
Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer
this month , but I will give it the old
proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today ,
I just threw on a toboggan and hurried over to
your house before the snow got too deep, so we
could spend the whole day together( I see you
over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and
washing my hair and coming to your house is
the only thing keeping us together , let's
stock up on plenty of Prell shampoo or whatever
brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I
was probably talking about romance, flowers,
cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep
their woman happy. I know that when you are
not planning on leaving the house your M.O.
is to maybe wash your hair and let it dry
naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.
I understand that and to me that would seem to
say I know you love me no matter what I look
like , so I will just go with my natural look..
however, when I go out, I want to look my best,
dressed to the t, so I can know that the world
will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best
for them.
Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at
your best. Maybe I want to see you looking
extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you
want me to go to any store with you in hairculers
is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul,
rent a truck, and move you to that little old
town in North Carolina where all the women shop
with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that
day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.
So next time I come over, my hair will be clean,
my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean,
and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.
You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?
Friday, February 19, 2010
What is True Love ?
He Said
You might remember in the December issue we talked
about Christmas and what Christmas means to both of us.
My main concern was that there were not enough color
lights in my world at this time of the year. Since
she always decorates with white lights every year,
I had sort of lost touch with the excitement of
Christmas trees being decorated with color lights.
How exactly does all of this relate to true love?
Let me share a story with you and then you can
judge whether this is the definite definition of
true love. Right after we finished the column for
December I left to go to a meeting. This was at night.
Now I had complained fairly strongly, as I am apt
to do sometimes, about the white lights vs colored
lights problem. When I arrived back at her house
later that night, she had put up another Christmas
tree and decorated it with colored lights and all
of the trimmings just for me. (She already had a
7 foot tree decorated with white lights in the living room).
This is what I call going the extra mile, without a
hint to me, without me asking or badgering her into
doing it. She did this to please me. She did this
because she loves me and wanted to make me happy.
This is one way to prove to someone how much you
love them. To her I say, Happy Valentine's Day and I love you.
She Said
Now you know why I put up with him. Wasn't that just
the sweetest thing for him to do?
( Expressing his love to me publicly in our column).
He could have just as easily complained about the
gifts that I gave him for Christmas. (One of which
was a GPS with a female voice for those who are keeping score).
I wanted to see if there was another female voice
he would listen to besides his mothers') I laughed
all the way to the cashier just thinking about the
double entendre: Larry following driving directions
while listening to a female voice! As far as the
extra tree goes, I had an extra one with plenty of
decorations so why not use it instead of letting it
collect dust in the basement. It sure beat listening
to him whine about not having colored lights.
Seriously, I did want to please him. I wanted to
surprise him. It certainly did those things
and he was exceedingly glad. It was a nice touch
to the house and made me realize that he needs
or wants certain things in his life, that maybe
I would not choose, but makes him happy. As all
couples know when both of you are happy life is
so much easier. Of course this doesn't mean he
will help more around the house, that he will
help take down the tree, wash more dishes, or
even cut the yard this spring. However, for the
month of December all was bliss, we got to see
all our children, we ate more than we ever needed,
we saw both of our parents, went to Virginia Beach
and Myrtle Beach,and had two trees that we both
enjoyed. To us, that's what relationships and
holidays are all about. I still need a dryer,
but he is not pushing the pre-nup as much;
and he got color lights on a Christmas
tree this year. Life is good.
You might remember in the December issue we talked
about Christmas and what Christmas means to both of us.
My main concern was that there were not enough color
lights in my world at this time of the year. Since
she always decorates with white lights every year,
I had sort of lost touch with the excitement of
Christmas trees being decorated with color lights.
How exactly does all of this relate to true love?
Let me share a story with you and then you can
judge whether this is the definite definition of
true love. Right after we finished the column for
December I left to go to a meeting. This was at night.
Now I had complained fairly strongly, as I am apt
to do sometimes, about the white lights vs colored
lights problem. When I arrived back at her house
later that night, she had put up another Christmas
tree and decorated it with colored lights and all
of the trimmings just for me. (She already had a
7 foot tree decorated with white lights in the living room).
This is what I call going the extra mile, without a
hint to me, without me asking or badgering her into
doing it. She did this to please me. She did this
because she loves me and wanted to make me happy.
This is one way to prove to someone how much you
love them. To her I say, Happy Valentine's Day and I love you.
She Said
Now you know why I put up with him. Wasn't that just
the sweetest thing for him to do?
( Expressing his love to me publicly in our column).
He could have just as easily complained about the
gifts that I gave him for Christmas. (One of which
was a GPS with a female voice for those who are keeping score).
I wanted to see if there was another female voice
he would listen to besides his mothers') I laughed
all the way to the cashier just thinking about the
double entendre: Larry following driving directions
while listening to a female voice! As far as the
extra tree goes, I had an extra one with plenty of
decorations so why not use it instead of letting it
collect dust in the basement. It sure beat listening
to him whine about not having colored lights.
Seriously, I did want to please him. I wanted to
surprise him. It certainly did those things
and he was exceedingly glad. It was a nice touch
to the house and made me realize that he needs
or wants certain things in his life, that maybe
I would not choose, but makes him happy. As all
couples know when both of you are happy life is
so much easier. Of course this doesn't mean he
will help more around the house, that he will
help take down the tree, wash more dishes, or
even cut the yard this spring. However, for the
month of December all was bliss, we got to see
all our children, we ate more than we ever needed,
we saw both of our parents, went to Virginia Beach
and Myrtle Beach,and had two trees that we both
enjoyed. To us, that's what relationships and
holidays are all about. I still need a dryer,
but he is not pushing the pre-nup as much;
and he got color lights on a Christmas
tree this year. Life is good.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Past, Present, Future
He Said,
Another year is behind us and I for one feel pretty
darn lucky. I only gained about five pounds over
last year, I am another year older, and that is good
because I find myself above ground and still aggravating
you. But we are still engaged and our admiration for
each other grows deeper everyday (Okay, my admiration
grows deeper and yours stays about the same) but I'll
take what I can get.
When I think about the past 45 years, our high school
days come to mind. I think about all the times you
wouldn't go out with me but then again, I never asked
you. I was too intimidated by your charm and grace.
I had heard of those words back then but probably couldn't
even spell them. However here we are in the present,
and having the time of our lives making fun of
each other as we grow older, grayer, and heavier.
How can anyone top that for a happy life? Maybe we
should have our own TV show so everyone could join
in the fun. I would have a whole new audience to tell
my "good old days" stories to since you already know them.
Now about the future: I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR THOSE
AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES!!! You want something mundane
like a new dryer. Why not take my dryer and we could
sign a pre-nup in case you decide to look for another
man. Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about
a shopping trip.It's not that I need anything; it's
the thrill of the chase, kind of like chasing you all
of these years! Since I already have a model car
collection, an expansive book collection, and music
collection, I was thinking I could start collecting
something new. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe we
could explore antique stores looking for artifacts
from the 1800's. Wouldn't that make an interesting
display? Let's talk about it over dinner tonight.
She Said
I guarantee you that we'll talk over dinner tonight
but it won't be about relics from the 1800's. I already
have one big relic.I'm not interested in collecting
anything that takes up more room. If I can't eat it,
wear it, or ride it, I don't want it. Are you crazy???
A pre-nup for a used dryer? Who do you think you are,
Tiger Woods? We don't need a pre-nup for a ten year
old dryer! Now if you have hidden assets that I should
know about that might constitute a pre-nup, I am all ears.
Right now I am marrying you in spite of all your problems,
not because I feel sorry for you, but because you
make me laugh sometimes, you feed me well, you take me to
events like a movie matinee, free concert, etc. and you
are generally a nice guy who doesn'tt drink, smoke, or
carouse with the opposite sex. We do have a history and we
have had a great life so far together. You have never been
that great at marriage, but then you have never been married
to me. So far I think I have done a pretty good job of
training you or at least getting us on the same track.
I don't think men in general are trainable per se, but
we women do the best that we can with what we have. I
understand that you are not an outdoor person, a yard
person, or a working person, so I just accept that as
part of the package. If you're planning a TV show for
us, you're probably going to have to get a surrogate
She Said. I just don't think I have anymore hours to
give to you for such trivial mess as boosting your ego
with some kind of “it's all about you TV show”. If you
like you can put that in your pre-nup and hope that
your future includes me, and a NEW dryer.
Another year is behind us and I for one feel pretty
darn lucky. I only gained about five pounds over
last year, I am another year older, and that is good
because I find myself above ground and still aggravating
you. But we are still engaged and our admiration for
each other grows deeper everyday (Okay, my admiration
grows deeper and yours stays about the same) but I'll
take what I can get.
When I think about the past 45 years, our high school
days come to mind. I think about all the times you
wouldn't go out with me but then again, I never asked
you. I was too intimidated by your charm and grace.
I had heard of those words back then but probably couldn't
even spell them. However here we are in the present,
and having the time of our lives making fun of
each other as we grow older, grayer, and heavier.
How can anyone top that for a happy life? Maybe we
should have our own TV show so everyone could join
in the fun. I would have a whole new audience to tell
my "good old days" stories to since you already know them.
Now about the future: I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR THOSE
AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES!!! You want something mundane
like a new dryer. Why not take my dryer and we could
sign a pre-nup in case you decide to look for another
man. Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about
a shopping trip.It's not that I need anything; it's
the thrill of the chase, kind of like chasing you all
of these years! Since I already have a model car
collection, an expansive book collection, and music
collection, I was thinking I could start collecting
something new. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe we
could explore antique stores looking for artifacts
from the 1800's. Wouldn't that make an interesting
display? Let's talk about it over dinner tonight.
She Said
I guarantee you that we'll talk over dinner tonight
but it won't be about relics from the 1800's. I already
have one big relic.I'm not interested in collecting
anything that takes up more room. If I can't eat it,
wear it, or ride it, I don't want it. Are you crazy???
A pre-nup for a used dryer? Who do you think you are,
Tiger Woods? We don't need a pre-nup for a ten year
old dryer! Now if you have hidden assets that I should
know about that might constitute a pre-nup, I am all ears.
Right now I am marrying you in spite of all your problems,
not because I feel sorry for you, but because you
make me laugh sometimes, you feed me well, you take me to
events like a movie matinee, free concert, etc. and you
are generally a nice guy who doesn'tt drink, smoke, or
carouse with the opposite sex. We do have a history and we
have had a great life so far together. You have never been
that great at marriage, but then you have never been married
to me. So far I think I have done a pretty good job of
training you or at least getting us on the same track.
I don't think men in general are trainable per se, but
we women do the best that we can with what we have. I
understand that you are not an outdoor person, a yard
person, or a working person, so I just accept that as
part of the package. If you're planning a TV show for
us, you're probably going to have to get a surrogate
She Said. I just don't think I have anymore hours to
give to you for such trivial mess as boosting your ego
with some kind of “it's all about you TV show”. If you
like you can put that in your pre-nup and hope that
your future includes me, and a NEW dryer.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
What Christmas means to me...you light up my life?
He Said
Christmas only comes once a year and as I look at
my calendar I notice that we are here. I love
Christmas. I love the sounds, the music, the
crisp air around us, the joy of giving, etcetera.
Now let me tell you the things that I dread the most:
too many people getting in my way in the stores
and on the roads.
I am a Christmas eve shopper and one thing that I
don't need is a bunch of last minute shoppers
getting in my way. Also, what is the deal with
everyone telling me what to get them? I should be
able to get them whatever I think they deserve.
Another thing I hate is that I have been seeing Christmas
decorations up in the stores since August. I
couldn't enjoy Halloween this year because of all
the Christmas carols being played throughout the stores.
Christmas cards were on sale at the dollar
store before I had even made out my Christmas
card list. For my friends out there thinking, that's funny,
I didn't receive a card from him last year, don't worry,
I didn't send any. I am just saying that if I was
going to send them, all those early card displays
would turn me off. I hate to get into a big deal about
this because I know what she will say but, we have
been a couple for 10 or 11 years now so here goes.
Every year, and I do mean every year, she puts white
lights on her tree, and white lights on her
door , and white lights on her mantle wreathe.
There are even white lights up and down her sidewalk so
it looks like an airport runway. I haven't said much
about it, but Christmas is not going to ever be Christmas
for me until I see some lights that are colorful. Red,
yellow, blue, orange, and green, colors is what Christmas
is really all about.
I need bright lights and colors. Don't get me wrong ,
I do believe in the Christian part of Christmas and
I do know the true meaning of Christmas; it's just
that all this other stuff takes away from my Christmas
spirit. I don't want to be bah humbug; however, I
am starting to feel like the spirit of Christmas past
and that is not right. I need prettier and more
colorful Christmas tree lights in my life.
She Said
I think colorful Christmas tree lights is the least
of your worries. I have already bought most of my
Christmas presents this year, including your present.
I have given you many hints throughout the year
about what I want Santa to bring me. With all of your
fussing and whining about why Christmas isn't fair to you,
I'm not sure you're listening to me. Maybe I should get
a GPS for you just to see if that is one female voice you
will listen to and follow directions precisely. Why not buy your
presents early when there is a better selection instead
of those loved ones on your Christmas list having
to settle for leftovers on Christmas Eve? That, alone,
is reason to avoid the last minute rush. Besides, if
your children and I don't give you a list, there's no
telling what we would get, given your eclectic taste.
I don't need an electric scarf that plays Christmas
carols and your children don't need a tie with
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer with a blinking red nose.
As far as you not enjoying Halloween, you loved every
minute of driving the cart through Target
buying candy that was reduced. I didn't hear you
humming Christmas carols then; you were a man on a
mission. And Christmas cards.....I can guarantee you
that your friends will not receive a card from you
until the price of stamps goes down. Now lets talk
about white lights on MY tree, in MY house. Until
you walk me down the aisle and start paying MY electric
bills and buying MY tree decorations, you
can keep riding around town looking at other peoples'
yard decorations in color. I like MY white lights.
You said the colored lights are what you were used
to growing up...have you noticed that your mother
has all white lights this year? If you're the voice
of Christmas past, this is the voice of Christmas future,
if you know what I mean. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Christmas only comes once a year and as I look at
my calendar I notice that we are here. I love
Christmas. I love the sounds, the music, the
crisp air around us, the joy of giving, etcetera.
Now let me tell you the things that I dread the most:
too many people getting in my way in the stores
and on the roads.
I am a Christmas eve shopper and one thing that I
don't need is a bunch of last minute shoppers
getting in my way. Also, what is the deal with
everyone telling me what to get them? I should be
able to get them whatever I think they deserve.
Another thing I hate is that I have been seeing Christmas
decorations up in the stores since August. I
couldn't enjoy Halloween this year because of all
the Christmas carols being played throughout the stores.
Christmas cards were on sale at the dollar
store before I had even made out my Christmas
card list. For my friends out there thinking, that's funny,
I didn't receive a card from him last year, don't worry,
I didn't send any. I am just saying that if I was
going to send them, all those early card displays
would turn me off. I hate to get into a big deal about
this because I know what she will say but, we have
been a couple for 10 or 11 years now so here goes.
Every year, and I do mean every year, she puts white
lights on her tree, and white lights on her
door , and white lights on her mantle wreathe.
There are even white lights up and down her sidewalk so
it looks like an airport runway. I haven't said much
about it, but Christmas is not going to ever be Christmas
for me until I see some lights that are colorful. Red,
yellow, blue, orange, and green, colors is what Christmas
is really all about.
I need bright lights and colors. Don't get me wrong ,
I do believe in the Christian part of Christmas and
I do know the true meaning of Christmas; it's just
that all this other stuff takes away from my Christmas
spirit. I don't want to be bah humbug; however, I
am starting to feel like the spirit of Christmas past
and that is not right. I need prettier and more
colorful Christmas tree lights in my life.
She Said
I think colorful Christmas tree lights is the least
of your worries. I have already bought most of my
Christmas presents this year, including your present.
I have given you many hints throughout the year
about what I want Santa to bring me. With all of your
fussing and whining about why Christmas isn't fair to you,
I'm not sure you're listening to me. Maybe I should get
a GPS for you just to see if that is one female voice you
will listen to and follow directions precisely. Why not buy your
presents early when there is a better selection instead
of those loved ones on your Christmas list having
to settle for leftovers on Christmas Eve? That, alone,
is reason to avoid the last minute rush. Besides, if
your children and I don't give you a list, there's no
telling what we would get, given your eclectic taste.
I don't need an electric scarf that plays Christmas
carols and your children don't need a tie with
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer with a blinking red nose.
As far as you not enjoying Halloween, you loved every
minute of driving the cart through Target
buying candy that was reduced. I didn't hear you
humming Christmas carols then; you were a man on a
mission. And Christmas cards.....I can guarantee you
that your friends will not receive a card from you
until the price of stamps goes down. Now lets talk
about white lights on MY tree, in MY house. Until
you walk me down the aisle and start paying MY electric
bills and buying MY tree decorations, you
can keep riding around town looking at other peoples'
yard decorations in color. I like MY white lights.
You said the colored lights are what you were used
to growing up...have you noticed that your mother
has all white lights this year? If you're the voice
of Christmas past, this is the voice of Christmas future,
if you know what I mean. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Reeding, riting, arrittmet.......Math
He Said She Said Showcase November 2009
He Said
Here is the problem with dating a school teacher.
(Is here a proper noun?). I don't care what you
do or what you say, most of the time it is wrong.
(Is wrong an adverb or a noun?) She comes to me
and says I am calling that company that advertises
Suits on TV because they are using the wrong
verb,tense,adverb, or something on television.
This makes it more difficult to teach the children
in school when they are seeing it wrong on television.
(I don't think you should have used more in front
of difficult). The most frequent one is the usage of
“that” and “who”. One is for a person description
and the other is for a thing description.(or something
like that..or who). If this happened once or
twice I could understand. But this is almost daily.
I have purchased four dictionary's and two large
Thesaurus's(or Thesauruses,or Thesauruss') and a
minithesaurus to carry in my glove box so that I
will know when or how to use the correct word.
(or is it wording?) Please don't get me started on
the dangling participle(is that the correct spelling?)
because even though is has been explained to me
over and over I am still letting it hang. The number
of times that I have ended a sentence with a
preposition number into the thousands and I have
just got to learn how not to end a sentence with to.
(or some other form of a prep.) When I went to the
INTERNET and found that some of our old grammar
was forgotten and now readily accepted(like that and who)
she started going to other teachers to make
her case. I will just have to keep trying to do
my best to speak the King's language like I was taught,
and please do not remind her about math. I don't
have time to get into all that. Let's just hope that
the current stays on in the retail stores, in case
one of the clerks has to make change.
She Said
When we were in high school the teacher ask me if I
would help tutor you in English so that you
could get your F up to a D minus. I did help you,
you did pass the English exam, and here it is almost
fifty years later and I am still having to tutor you.
Does this job ever end ? Don't get me wrong. I only
want to make you sound better in public when you are
making up words, using the wrong pronoun or
noun, using the wrong verb tense, slaughtering the
English language, and embarrassing me at every
event. Don't you want to be known as the person
with a strong vocabulary? The eloquent speaker
admired by your so called Posse”( I hate that term).
No, in reality, you probably do not care either
way. You just enjoy hearing the sound of your voice,
the knowledge that no matter what you say you
are always right, and that other people are standing
in line to hear what words of wisdom are going
to be coming forth from your mouth. After all these
years I should just give up and let you continue
to make a fool of yourself. However, as a teacher
it is my job to make sure that all that I teach learn
the fundamentals of grammar, spelling, verb tenses,
and yes, sometimes even math. Do I always
succeed ? I would say that you are a shining example of that answer.
He Said
Here is the problem with dating a school teacher.
(Is here a proper noun?). I don't care what you
do or what you say, most of the time it is wrong.
(Is wrong an adverb or a noun?) She comes to me
and says I am calling that company that advertises
Suits on TV because they are using the wrong
verb,tense,adverb, or something on television.
This makes it more difficult to teach the children
in school when they are seeing it wrong on television.
(I don't think you should have used more in front
of difficult). The most frequent one is the usage of
“that” and “who”. One is for a person description
and the other is for a thing description.(or something
like that..or who). If this happened once or
twice I could understand. But this is almost daily.
I have purchased four dictionary's and two large
Thesaurus's(or Thesauruses,or Thesauruss') and a
minithesaurus to carry in my glove box so that I
will know when or how to use the correct word.
(or is it wording?) Please don't get me started on
the dangling participle(is that the correct spelling?)
because even though is has been explained to me
over and over I am still letting it hang. The number
of times that I have ended a sentence with a
preposition number into the thousands and I have
just got to learn how not to end a sentence with to.
(or some other form of a prep.) When I went to the
INTERNET and found that some of our old grammar
was forgotten and now readily accepted(like that and who)
she started going to other teachers to make
her case. I will just have to keep trying to do
my best to speak the King's language like I was taught,
and please do not remind her about math. I don't
have time to get into all that. Let's just hope that
the current stays on in the retail stores, in case
one of the clerks has to make change.
She Said
When we were in high school the teacher ask me if I
would help tutor you in English so that you
could get your F up to a D minus. I did help you,
you did pass the English exam, and here it is almost
fifty years later and I am still having to tutor you.
Does this job ever end ? Don't get me wrong. I only
want to make you sound better in public when you are
making up words, using the wrong pronoun or
noun, using the wrong verb tense, slaughtering the
English language, and embarrassing me at every
event. Don't you want to be known as the person
with a strong vocabulary? The eloquent speaker
admired by your so called Posse”( I hate that term).
No, in reality, you probably do not care either
way. You just enjoy hearing the sound of your voice,
the knowledge that no matter what you say you
are always right, and that other people are standing
in line to hear what words of wisdom are going
to be coming forth from your mouth. After all these
years I should just give up and let you continue
to make a fool of yourself. However, as a teacher
it is my job to make sure that all that I teach learn
the fundamentals of grammar, spelling, verb tenses,
and yes, sometimes even math. Do I always
succeed ? I would say that you are a shining example of that answer.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Birthday Challenges
He Said
October is birthday month for both of us.. She usually gives me
subtle hints like “ That blue dress at Kohl's is nice.”, or
“Oh dear, my perfume is almost empty”. This year she just came
up to me and said I know what we should give each other for
our birthday's. Uh oh, I smell trouble coming. Being the
gentleman that I am, I politely ask her, “ What did you have
in mind, honey?” “How about we give each other a gift that we
both can enjoy this year and every year”. I am thinking a
new car, a La-Z-Boy recliner, or a years supply of ice cream.
The good stuff that we could enjoy together. “I think we
should give each other passports for our birthday”, she said.
Trouble! I'm thinking of spending $25 maybe $50 at the most.
“How much are they?” I ask. “Somewhere around one hundred dollars”
she said. I'm thinking that I can't eat them and they are
going to cost me way more than a hundred bucks with a trip out
of the country. Is this possibly a Christmas present hint?
” Wouldn't we be suspected of being terrorist's if we applied
for a passport?” I ask. “No, not if we just went to Canada
(or Paris or Italy), she said under her breath”. Oh that's
right, I just remembered, they don't have terrorist's in
these country's, just in the United States. You'll be reading
in the future, THE ADVENTURES OF COUNTRY COMES TO TOWN when
the beautiful SHE adorns his side in all the European papers.
What happened to a pair of slippers or a new neck tie for our
birthday gifts? ME in Paris???? France would never be the
same and they would more than likely confiscate the passport
and then another birthday gift would have been wasted.
She Said
Honestly, I try and add a little pizazz to our lives, think
outside of the box, change our hum drum lives, and like good
Presbyterians, his first reaction is CHANGE? We went to Canada
a few years ago and didn't need a Passport. Today a passport is
necessary to get back into the United States from just about
any country. We might not need passports, but just in case we do,
I thought it would be a great gift idea since most gifts I've
given you are still in the boxes. This would be a pragmatic gift,
something that we can share together, AND maybe take a trip in
the future (when we get a good deal of course). Passports take
about six weeks or more to arrive and I just thought that we
should apply now and have them in case we want to go abroad.
He sure knows how to ruin a girl's idea of fun. I already have
slippers ( probably 3 or more pairs from past birthday's)
so I don't need more slippers. He doesn't wear ties except to
church and he has a blue million in his closet. As far as he
or I being suspected of being a terrorist's, they would more
than likely suspect my standard poodle, Sophie, before they
would suspect us. Sophie has a ferocious bark, is larger than
a normal poodle, and has sharp looking teeth. No, I think he
just wants to get out of spending the hundred dollars because
he is cheap and is afraid he will have no excuse to leave
the country if he has a passport. Good thing we don't need
a passport to get into Myrtle Beach or we would have had
one years ago. Happy Birthday to my favorite terrorist. (lol).
October is birthday month for both of us.. She usually gives me
subtle hints like “ That blue dress at Kohl's is nice.”, or
“Oh dear, my perfume is almost empty”. This year she just came
up to me and said I know what we should give each other for
our birthday's. Uh oh, I smell trouble coming. Being the
gentleman that I am, I politely ask her, “ What did you have
in mind, honey?” “How about we give each other a gift that we
both can enjoy this year and every year”. I am thinking a
new car, a La-Z-Boy recliner, or a years supply of ice cream.
The good stuff that we could enjoy together. “I think we
should give each other passports for our birthday”, she said.
Trouble! I'm thinking of spending $25 maybe $50 at the most.
“How much are they?” I ask. “Somewhere around one hundred dollars”
she said. I'm thinking that I can't eat them and they are
going to cost me way more than a hundred bucks with a trip out
of the country. Is this possibly a Christmas present hint?
” Wouldn't we be suspected of being terrorist's if we applied
for a passport?” I ask. “No, not if we just went to Canada
(or Paris or Italy), she said under her breath”. Oh that's
right, I just remembered, they don't have terrorist's in
these country's, just in the United States. You'll be reading
in the future, THE ADVENTURES OF COUNTRY COMES TO TOWN when
the beautiful SHE adorns his side in all the European papers.
What happened to a pair of slippers or a new neck tie for our
birthday gifts? ME in Paris???? France would never be the
same and they would more than likely confiscate the passport
and then another birthday gift would have been wasted.
She Said
Honestly, I try and add a little pizazz to our lives, think
outside of the box, change our hum drum lives, and like good
Presbyterians, his first reaction is CHANGE? We went to Canada
a few years ago and didn't need a Passport. Today a passport is
necessary to get back into the United States from just about
any country. We might not need passports, but just in case we do,
I thought it would be a great gift idea since most gifts I've
given you are still in the boxes. This would be a pragmatic gift,
something that we can share together, AND maybe take a trip in
the future (when we get a good deal of course). Passports take
about six weeks or more to arrive and I just thought that we
should apply now and have them in case we want to go abroad.
He sure knows how to ruin a girl's idea of fun. I already have
slippers ( probably 3 or more pairs from past birthday's)
so I don't need more slippers. He doesn't wear ties except to
church and he has a blue million in his closet. As far as he
or I being suspected of being a terrorist's, they would more
than likely suspect my standard poodle, Sophie, before they
would suspect us. Sophie has a ferocious bark, is larger than
a normal poodle, and has sharp looking teeth. No, I think he
just wants to get out of spending the hundred dollars because
he is cheap and is afraid he will have no excuse to leave
the country if he has a passport. Good thing we don't need
a passport to get into Myrtle Beach or we would have had
one years ago. Happy Birthday to my favorite terrorist. (lol).
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Why did God invent TV ?
He Said
I remember when the television first came out in the
fifties for me. Black and White and only one or
two stations and you got your reception using an TV
antenna , or rabbit ears. I enjoyed my fair share
of TV in the fifties, Howdy Doody Time, Old Rebel Show,
Superman, Amos and Andy, Gunsmoke, and who could forget
The Mouseketeers, especially Annette. As I have grown
older , TV has either gotten worse, or I have grown up.
I do not need TV. TV certainly does not need me. In my
house the TV never comes on unless we have a war, a
catastrophe, or some important person gets married
besides me. (Princess Diana). Now I try to understand
the function of the TV, besides the excuse that it keeps
someone company. I mean you can get a dog to keep you
company and have more fun doing it.
She has five TV's and one day I am going to walk into
her house and sitting right in the bathroom will
be Matt Lauer staring back at me while I am sitting
on the throne. I mean give me a break. Her children
gave her a TV for the kitchen for Christmas.
(Good job kids),however, the kitchen was the only room
in the house where I could come over for breakfast
and we could share some time together talking just
the two of us. Now , of course, we listen with baited
breath about the next excursion that Matt is going
to take and is Meredith going with him. I mean really.
When is a man expected to get quality time with his girl.
It almost makes me want to get a dog. Not really.
Her dog is enough and that is a whole different story.
She Said
Here we go again. You are on your TV kick again.
About every two years he starts yapping about how
bad TV is, or the people who watch TV are somehow
inferior to him, or he is superior to everyone that
watches television. He has his moments. Some days
I walk in from being out and he is busy watching
Cops or Tru TV or that insane or inane Nancy Grace.
I agree with him wholeheartedly that he is not
a TV person. I will attest to the fact that he has
never watched American Idol. Should I give up TV for
him? Is he that important that I should give up the
Young and Restless? Do I want to miss Two and a
half men because he gets lonely easily? Love is
grand and all that but come on, give up Matt in
the morning? I should think not. Matt closes his
mouth when he chews, Matt does not talk back,
and Matt and I get along beautifully in the morning.
If Dr. McDreamy had a show I would buy two more TV's
for the rest of the house and maybe have TV put in
my car. Sophie, my poodle , has her own television
so she can watch Caesar............ to learn how to
behave better. Maybe there is a TV show that I can find
where he can learn to adapt better, learn to control
his needs and the judgment of others, and learn to
respect other peoples indulgences. Does anyone have
Dr. Phil's number? I think I need an intervention.
I remember when the television first came out in the
fifties for me. Black and White and only one or
two stations and you got your reception using an TV
antenna , or rabbit ears. I enjoyed my fair share
of TV in the fifties, Howdy Doody Time, Old Rebel Show,
Superman, Amos and Andy, Gunsmoke, and who could forget
The Mouseketeers, especially Annette. As I have grown
older , TV has either gotten worse, or I have grown up.
I do not need TV. TV certainly does not need me. In my
house the TV never comes on unless we have a war, a
catastrophe, or some important person gets married
besides me. (Princess Diana). Now I try to understand
the function of the TV, besides the excuse that it keeps
someone company. I mean you can get a dog to keep you
company and have more fun doing it.
She has five TV's and one day I am going to walk into
her house and sitting right in the bathroom will
be Matt Lauer staring back at me while I am sitting
on the throne. I mean give me a break. Her children
gave her a TV for the kitchen for Christmas.
(Good job kids),however, the kitchen was the only room
in the house where I could come over for breakfast
and we could share some time together talking just
the two of us. Now , of course, we listen with baited
breath about the next excursion that Matt is going
to take and is Meredith going with him. I mean really.
When is a man expected to get quality time with his girl.
It almost makes me want to get a dog. Not really.
Her dog is enough and that is a whole different story.
She Said
Here we go again. You are on your TV kick again.
About every two years he starts yapping about how
bad TV is, or the people who watch TV are somehow
inferior to him, or he is superior to everyone that
watches television. He has his moments. Some days
I walk in from being out and he is busy watching
Cops or Tru TV or that insane or inane Nancy Grace.
I agree with him wholeheartedly that he is not
a TV person. I will attest to the fact that he has
never watched American Idol. Should I give up TV for
him? Is he that important that I should give up the
Young and Restless? Do I want to miss Two and a
half men because he gets lonely easily? Love is
grand and all that but come on, give up Matt in
the morning? I should think not. Matt closes his
mouth when he chews, Matt does not talk back,
and Matt and I get along beautifully in the morning.
If Dr. McDreamy had a show I would buy two more TV's
for the rest of the house and maybe have TV put in
my car. Sophie, my poodle , has her own television
so she can watch Caesar............ to learn how to
behave better. Maybe there is a TV show that I can find
where he can learn to adapt better, learn to control
his needs and the judgment of others, and learn to
respect other peoples indulgences. Does anyone have
Dr. Phil's number? I think I need an intervention.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Art of Getting Ready
Showcase Magazine August 2009
He Said
There must a slow club made up of women only when it
comes to doing make up and hair. This is sort
of a pet peeve; however, I have resigned myself to
the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am
talking about the fact that it takes you hours and
hours to get ready. You always look pretty (points
gained) even at your worse (I take that back. You have no worse).
So what goes on in that bathroom of
yours for days? It is like you are building a tunnel
to the South Pole. There are machines roaring, things
dropping, hisses of air that goes on forever, quietness
for 20 minutes at the time, and then I go in
there and there are tools that I have never encountered
before in my life. Scissor looking tools,
pencils of all shapes and sizes, dozens of cans of spray
things, soaps, little fluffy things that look like
sponges, boxes of Kleenex, and bottles of all shapes and
sizes. There are brushes, both big ones and
small ones. There is one contraption that looks like it
is made of metal with holes in the end. There are
many kinds of hair dryers, 240 tubes of lip stick, and
something called lip gloss along with several
hundred bottles of nail polish and a couple of bottles
of polish remover and cotton balls. The odor is a
mixture of tire lube and Windex. How you can stand in
there with that smell is foreign to me but
amazingly, every time you come out of that room, you
look radiant and smell as fresh as a daisy.
By this time (at least two hours) I am sleepy, worn out,
tired, or into a good show on TV.
Just let me say I would rather wait two hours and have you,
than wait 12 minutes and have a.....
well, you know what I mean.
She Said
Men! If you didn’t have us women to explain everything
to you, I sincerely believe that you would lie
in bed forever until someone came in, got you up,
dressed you, fed you breakfast, put you in your car,
put the gear shift in drive, and sent you off to work.
Did you say a SLOW club? I can work circles
around you so let’s compare notes. I get up at 5:00 a.m.
and work out on my elliptical for thirty
minutes after walking and feeding Sophie. Then I take a
shower and wash my hair followed by
applying makeup, drying and styling my hair. I listen
to the news while I’m getting ready just to keep
up with what’s going on locally, nationally, and globally.
After I get dressed, I’m ready to cook
breakfast and pack lunches while planning what to
fix for dinner. When all of this is done, I’m ready to
put in a full day of work and usually tutor after school.
As far as all of those contraptions, products, and noises
that go along with making myself presentable,
go crawl back into your cave, Mars. Let’s take a look
at man “tools”. When you build a cabinet (well,
not you) or wax the car (not you) or paint a room (not you either),
you need tools to get the job done.
Let’s try this: I’ll forgo all electrical appliances,
“hundreds” of bottles of makeup, and give up
exercising if you promise not to complain about my looks,
weight gain, and frizzy hair. Of course that
means all things electrical will take a vacation: the
stove, microwave, T.V., and computer (particularly
no access to Facebook). I hope you won’t mind wearing
wrinkled clothes because the iron is another
appliance that I use daily.
He Said
There must a slow club made up of women only when it
comes to doing make up and hair. This is sort
of a pet peeve; however, I have resigned myself to
the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am
talking about the fact that it takes you hours and
hours to get ready. You always look pretty (points
gained) even at your worse (I take that back. You have no worse).
So what goes on in that bathroom of
yours for days? It is like you are building a tunnel
to the South Pole. There are machines roaring, things
dropping, hisses of air that goes on forever, quietness
for 20 minutes at the time, and then I go in
there and there are tools that I have never encountered
before in my life. Scissor looking tools,
pencils of all shapes and sizes, dozens of cans of spray
things, soaps, little fluffy things that look like
sponges, boxes of Kleenex, and bottles of all shapes and
sizes. There are brushes, both big ones and
small ones. There is one contraption that looks like it
is made of metal with holes in the end. There are
many kinds of hair dryers, 240 tubes of lip stick, and
something called lip gloss along with several
hundred bottles of nail polish and a couple of bottles
of polish remover and cotton balls. The odor is a
mixture of tire lube and Windex. How you can stand in
there with that smell is foreign to me but
amazingly, every time you come out of that room, you
look radiant and smell as fresh as a daisy.
By this time (at least two hours) I am sleepy, worn out,
tired, or into a good show on TV.
Just let me say I would rather wait two hours and have you,
than wait 12 minutes and have a.....
well, you know what I mean.
She Said
Men! If you didn’t have us women to explain everything
to you, I sincerely believe that you would lie
in bed forever until someone came in, got you up,
dressed you, fed you breakfast, put you in your car,
put the gear shift in drive, and sent you off to work.
Did you say a SLOW club? I can work circles
around you so let’s compare notes. I get up at 5:00 a.m.
and work out on my elliptical for thirty
minutes after walking and feeding Sophie. Then I take a
shower and wash my hair followed by
applying makeup, drying and styling my hair. I listen
to the news while I’m getting ready just to keep
up with what’s going on locally, nationally, and globally.
After I get dressed, I’m ready to cook
breakfast and pack lunches while planning what to
fix for dinner. When all of this is done, I’m ready to
put in a full day of work and usually tutor after school.
As far as all of those contraptions, products, and noises
that go along with making myself presentable,
go crawl back into your cave, Mars. Let’s take a look
at man “tools”. When you build a cabinet (well,
not you) or wax the car (not you) or paint a room (not you either),
you need tools to get the job done.
Let’s try this: I’ll forgo all electrical appliances,
“hundreds” of bottles of makeup, and give up
exercising if you promise not to complain about my looks,
weight gain, and frizzy hair. Of course that
means all things electrical will take a vacation: the
stove, microwave, T.V., and computer (particularly
no access to Facebook). I hope you won’t mind wearing
wrinkled clothes because the iron is another
appliance that I use daily.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Weighing in on Dieting
He Said She Said Showcase July 2009
He Said
She came in a couple of weeks ago and said we need
to go on a diet. I knew not to say what I was
thinking, but I said it anyway. “ My assumption
is you want to lose weight , so we, meaning you
and I have to go on a diet”. That is correct ,
she said. We need to go on a diet together so it
want be so hard for one of us that is not eating
to have to watch the other one eat what they want.
In her mind that makes perfectly good sense. In my
mind this is the beginning of a train wreck. Which
one are WE going on this time? We are going on
Weight Watchers. O.K. How does that one work?
This is the easiest diet to go on she said.
All you have to do is eat anything you want as
long as you stay within your allotted amount of points.
Do I get to choose how many?, I ask. No it goes by the
weight system. You weigh about two hundred and fifteen
pounds, so you can have 26 points a day.
I figure about one point for each items gives me 26 items
to eat each day, yeah , I can probably handle this diet.
No, she says. All food items have points , so everything
you eat adds up to your total amount of points you can eat
each day. Like a hamburger plain is 8 points. A Big Mac is
thirteen points.
Good I can have two Big Macs for lunch. That is fine she
says as long as you don't eat breakfast or dinner.
Who decides my points? Your weight decides, she says.
So if I weighed 300 pounds I could have more points.
Yes she said, but you want to lose weight, not gain weight.
If I can have anything I want to eat and just count points,
count me in . Who keeps up with the points, I ask. You do, she says.
Even better I say. I never was that good in math anyway.
She Said
I do my best with him. He is almost getting to be
impossible to work with. I am not complaining,
mind you, but men including my man, do not have a
clue about diets. I tried to explain to him the
other day about the weight watchers system of
keeping points and losing weight. Of course he wants
to make a joke about it and I just went along with him.
I am watching my points and I am right on track. I am
afraid that each day when I ask him what he ate , he
says a sandwich. It probably is two sandwiches and
some candy. I don't see him getting thinner. If he
tells me he is not hungry at night I assume he has
sneeked out and had a meal somewhere else. He uses
the excuse that he can' t do math that well and I
send him to work with a calculator and a weight
watchers food wheel. I really don't think this is
going to work for him, however, it helps me stay
on my diet, I don't have to cook as much, and
since he is playing along, he is not always
asking me to go to Bubba's for a milk shake or
banana split every night. Sometimes you just have
to let them think they are making all the decisions
to get what you want. I mean I would never do that ,
but I know girls who do. Next time you see him out,
ask him if he is gaining weight. That will fix him.
He Said
She came in a couple of weeks ago and said we need
to go on a diet. I knew not to say what I was
thinking, but I said it anyway. “ My assumption
is you want to lose weight , so we, meaning you
and I have to go on a diet”. That is correct ,
she said. We need to go on a diet together so it
want be so hard for one of us that is not eating
to have to watch the other one eat what they want.
In her mind that makes perfectly good sense. In my
mind this is the beginning of a train wreck. Which
one are WE going on this time? We are going on
Weight Watchers. O.K. How does that one work?
This is the easiest diet to go on she said.
All you have to do is eat anything you want as
long as you stay within your allotted amount of points.
Do I get to choose how many?, I ask. No it goes by the
weight system. You weigh about two hundred and fifteen
pounds, so you can have 26 points a day.
I figure about one point for each items gives me 26 items
to eat each day, yeah , I can probably handle this diet.
No, she says. All food items have points , so everything
you eat adds up to your total amount of points you can eat
each day. Like a hamburger plain is 8 points. A Big Mac is
thirteen points.
Good I can have two Big Macs for lunch. That is fine she
says as long as you don't eat breakfast or dinner.
Who decides my points? Your weight decides, she says.
So if I weighed 300 pounds I could have more points.
Yes she said, but you want to lose weight, not gain weight.
If I can have anything I want to eat and just count points,
count me in . Who keeps up with the points, I ask. You do, she says.
Even better I say. I never was that good in math anyway.
She Said
I do my best with him. He is almost getting to be
impossible to work with. I am not complaining,
mind you, but men including my man, do not have a
clue about diets. I tried to explain to him the
other day about the weight watchers system of
keeping points and losing weight. Of course he wants
to make a joke about it and I just went along with him.
I am watching my points and I am right on track. I am
afraid that each day when I ask him what he ate , he
says a sandwich. It probably is two sandwiches and
some candy. I don't see him getting thinner. If he
tells me he is not hungry at night I assume he has
sneeked out and had a meal somewhere else. He uses
the excuse that he can' t do math that well and I
send him to work with a calculator and a weight
watchers food wheel. I really don't think this is
going to work for him, however, it helps me stay
on my diet, I don't have to cook as much, and
since he is playing along, he is not always
asking me to go to Bubba's for a milk shake or
banana split every night. Sometimes you just have
to let them think they are making all the decisions
to get what you want. I mean I would never do that ,
but I know girls who do. Next time you see him out,
ask him if he is gaining weight. That will fix him.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Dinner Party
He Said
We attended an Awards Banquet a few weeks ago
and we both enjoyed it very much. Anytime we can
be together is a real joy for me because you are
so beautiful and intelligent. Sometimes you are
a little too beautiful and all knowing. Let me see,
Miss Manners, if I remember this correctly.
Use the little fork for salads. Don't push your
food onto your fork with your fingers. Don't
start eating before others at the table begin.
Don't put your salad dressing on your salad
until the appropriate time (whenever that is).
Put your napkin in your lap. Pass all foods to
the right, even if the lady on your left is asking
for you to pass the bread. Don't hog the conversation
at the table. Don't stare at people. Don't spread
rumors about your friends and ex-wives. Don't ask
anyone their business. Be sure and eat all your food.
Don't ask what something is if you don't know.
Don't be the first one to eat your dessert. Don't
ask the waiter for a doggy bag. Don't holler across
the room for the waiter to bring you more tea. Don't
turn over your coffee cup unless you want coffee.
Don't talk with your mouth full. Gentleman should stand
when a lady rises to be excused. Be sure to pull the
chair out when you are ready to sit down. Make sure
that I introduce you to everyone at the table.
Make sure to turn your silverware upside down and
lay it on the plate to alert the waiter that you are
finished. Don't leave you alone at the table while
I go off visiting my friends.
To be honest with you, I really don't see any sense
attending these things. Too many rules and hoops
to jump through. Next time let's just go to
Ma Possum's and get a hot dog.
She Said
Are you insinuating that I make your life miserable
every time we go to a nice (or fancy as you call it)
dinner with people who expect appropriate manners.
Maybe we don't go out to enough of these parties
for you to remember your manners, or at least the
ones I have tried to teach you. It's not that you
embarrass me, I am trying to protect you from
yourself so you won't embarrass yourself.
Most of the time you are pretty well behaved and
a gentlemen. Being from the south, you may have
some idiosyncrasies that don't particularly appeal
to me, but that fit into your lifestyle. Save all
that junk for your fishing trips
( oh, wait a minute, you don't fish) or your
hunting trips( oh, wait a minute, you don't hunt)
or whenever we go to Atlanta.
Pushing your food on your fork with your fingers
is just plain gross. Why not just stand on the
table and eat with your feet? All of those other
traits and manners that you mentioned are just
good common sense. I didn't suggest them to you
before we left; however, the next time we go out,
please take a copy with you so you can refer to it.
Most people live by these rules on a daily basis...
others have to print out an agenda. I am afraid you
fall into the latter category. But I will be
watching to see if you can make the grade,
and I will reward you accordingly.
We attended an Awards Banquet a few weeks ago
and we both enjoyed it very much. Anytime we can
be together is a real joy for me because you are
so beautiful and intelligent. Sometimes you are
a little too beautiful and all knowing. Let me see,
Miss Manners, if I remember this correctly.
Use the little fork for salads. Don't push your
food onto your fork with your fingers. Don't
start eating before others at the table begin.
Don't put your salad dressing on your salad
until the appropriate time (whenever that is).
Put your napkin in your lap. Pass all foods to
the right, even if the lady on your left is asking
for you to pass the bread. Don't hog the conversation
at the table. Don't stare at people. Don't spread
rumors about your friends and ex-wives. Don't ask
anyone their business. Be sure and eat all your food.
Don't ask what something is if you don't know.
Don't be the first one to eat your dessert. Don't
ask the waiter for a doggy bag. Don't holler across
the room for the waiter to bring you more tea. Don't
turn over your coffee cup unless you want coffee.
Don't talk with your mouth full. Gentleman should stand
when a lady rises to be excused. Be sure to pull the
chair out when you are ready to sit down. Make sure
that I introduce you to everyone at the table.
Make sure to turn your silverware upside down and
lay it on the plate to alert the waiter that you are
finished. Don't leave you alone at the table while
I go off visiting my friends.
To be honest with you, I really don't see any sense
attending these things. Too many rules and hoops
to jump through. Next time let's just go to
Ma Possum's and get a hot dog.
She Said
Are you insinuating that I make your life miserable
every time we go to a nice (or fancy as you call it)
dinner with people who expect appropriate manners.
Maybe we don't go out to enough of these parties
for you to remember your manners, or at least the
ones I have tried to teach you. It's not that you
embarrass me, I am trying to protect you from
yourself so you won't embarrass yourself.
Most of the time you are pretty well behaved and
a gentlemen. Being from the south, you may have
some idiosyncrasies that don't particularly appeal
to me, but that fit into your lifestyle. Save all
that junk for your fishing trips
( oh, wait a minute, you don't fish) or your
hunting trips( oh, wait a minute, you don't hunt)
or whenever we go to Atlanta.
Pushing your food on your fork with your fingers
is just plain gross. Why not just stand on the
table and eat with your feet? All of those other
traits and manners that you mentioned are just
good common sense. I didn't suggest them to you
before we left; however, the next time we go out,
please take a copy with you so you can refer to it.
Most people live by these rules on a daily basis...
others have to print out an agenda. I am afraid you
fall into the latter category. But I will be
watching to see if you can make the grade,
and I will reward you accordingly.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
What Men Don't Know
He said She said – Showcase May 2009
He Said
Here is the deal. During a recent discussion about family
dynamics {thank God it wasn't our family this time}, I was
trying to make a point with you about what men know and
don't know when it comes to getting inside the female brain.
You shared with me a story about one of our friends
who is suddenly devastated by the fact that her husband does
not help around the house after years of NOT helping around
the house. Your statement to me was that since he is
retirement age, he could just stay home and be a house
husband. He could cook, clean, do laundry and have dinner
ready when she gets home. They could fire the maid and
gardener and everyone would be happy. Here is where I start
losing the point. Is she upset because they can afford these
things? Is she upset because he does not want to make an
effort? I gingerly added, (I know I'm treading on uncharted
territory at this point) HAS SHE EVER TOLD HIM HER DESIRES?
Here comes the communication breakdown. We as men are
expected to read your minds, know what you are thinking,
and then react appropriately to it. So if I come home,
sit down, read the paper, and wait for dinner, it's
because I have been doing this for years or let's just
say you have let me get away with it for years. Then one
day you decide I should be painting the house, or mowing
the grass, or peeling the potatoes. I'm still in the old
mindset and for whatever reason, you've had an epiphany
and have done a 180 degree turn. You've been stewing
because I didn't bring in the garbage cans, get the mail
in, or any other small trivial job that I didn't do.
I guess the old proverbial “job jar” should be ressurected
just to keep you happy.
At least it will not tax my brain trying to read your mind.
She said
You read my mind? Yeah right. Your mind is so far removed
from what goes on in the house and around the house, that
many days I'm surprised that you even found the house. You
are right about one point. In my desire to bring you up right,
I didn't start soon enough giving you your list of weekly
chores. I just brought the garbage cans around after they
were empty, instead of waiting a week to bring them around
before the next pickup. How foolish of me to expect you
could think on your own to bring them around quickly.
My point about our friends was that after all these years
of marriage, he should want to help around the house,
out of love or out of commitment or just to make her load
lighter. It had nothing to do with reading minds, making
job jars, or writing a note on his forehead.
I only suggested that she was frustrated that day because
he came in, sat down, read the paper, and asked her what
time dinner would be served. All of this occurred after
she had worked the same 8 or 9 hours that he had worked.
No, if you could read my mind, some days you would probably
run for the hills, especially after a long day at work,
coming home with a headache and instead of you saying
“hello, how was your day?”, you ask me “ What's for dinner
tonight?” I am telling you I don't think you're ready for
what is inside my head at that very moment. As far as you
peeling potatoes, I would pay a hundred dollars to see that,
two hundred to see you paint the house, and I don't have
to worry about you starting the lawn mower because you
might get a hernia.
He Said
Here is the deal. During a recent discussion about family
dynamics {thank God it wasn't our family this time}, I was
trying to make a point with you about what men know and
don't know when it comes to getting inside the female brain.
You shared with me a story about one of our friends
who is suddenly devastated by the fact that her husband does
not help around the house after years of NOT helping around
the house. Your statement to me was that since he is
retirement age, he could just stay home and be a house
husband. He could cook, clean, do laundry and have dinner
ready when she gets home. They could fire the maid and
gardener and everyone would be happy. Here is where I start
losing the point. Is she upset because they can afford these
things? Is she upset because he does not want to make an
effort? I gingerly added, (I know I'm treading on uncharted
territory at this point) HAS SHE EVER TOLD HIM HER DESIRES?
Here comes the communication breakdown. We as men are
expected to read your minds, know what you are thinking,
and then react appropriately to it. So if I come home,
sit down, read the paper, and wait for dinner, it's
because I have been doing this for years or let's just
say you have let me get away with it for years. Then one
day you decide I should be painting the house, or mowing
the grass, or peeling the potatoes. I'm still in the old
mindset and for whatever reason, you've had an epiphany
and have done a 180 degree turn. You've been stewing
because I didn't bring in the garbage cans, get the mail
in, or any other small trivial job that I didn't do.
I guess the old proverbial “job jar” should be ressurected
just to keep you happy.
At least it will not tax my brain trying to read your mind.
She said
You read my mind? Yeah right. Your mind is so far removed
from what goes on in the house and around the house, that
many days I'm surprised that you even found the house. You
are right about one point. In my desire to bring you up right,
I didn't start soon enough giving you your list of weekly
chores. I just brought the garbage cans around after they
were empty, instead of waiting a week to bring them around
before the next pickup. How foolish of me to expect you
could think on your own to bring them around quickly.
My point about our friends was that after all these years
of marriage, he should want to help around the house,
out of love or out of commitment or just to make her load
lighter. It had nothing to do with reading minds, making
job jars, or writing a note on his forehead.
I only suggested that she was frustrated that day because
he came in, sat down, read the paper, and asked her what
time dinner would be served. All of this occurred after
she had worked the same 8 or 9 hours that he had worked.
No, if you could read my mind, some days you would probably
run for the hills, especially after a long day at work,
coming home with a headache and instead of you saying
“hello, how was your day?”, you ask me “ What's for dinner
tonight?” I am telling you I don't think you're ready for
what is inside my head at that very moment. As far as you
peeling potatoes, I would pay a hundred dollars to see that,
two hundred to see you paint the house, and I don't have
to worry about you starting the lawn mower because you
might get a hernia.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
It's Aways about You
April 2009 Showcase He Said She Said
He Said
It never ceases to amaze me the way people go
out of their wayto make it difficult for others
to achieve their goals. Maybe it's a pet peeve of mine
but I would like for slow drivers to move out of
the fast lane when cars are behind them
and need to get by. Why do they insist on speeding
up only when another car is trying to pass by?
They are already not doing the speed limit while
holding up traffic and making a nuisance of themselves.
But as I try to ease around them, all of a sudden they
are in a rush.
Around here, beating me from the stoplight is a sport.
I can be beside someone at a stoplight, even if they
are in a 1943 Studebaker, and they want to race me
off the light. If I am in a department store pushing
my buggy down the aisle, I will inevitably run into
someone talking to a person they have not seen in a
couple of hours. Usually they are chatting and showing
pictures of either the baby or vacation photos from
the fifties. And please don't get me started
on cell phones. How did these people survive and who
did they talk to while shopping for groceries and
watching a movie before the invention of cell phones?
I don't want to get all keyed up about these trivial
things but I am thinking about calling my doctor and
asking for a prescription of Prozac or something just
to calm my nerves. I am not sure how much longer
I can take this junk. I am thinking about writing a
letter to the editor but lately that isn't even working.
I am staying in today and going back to the couch to lie down.
She Said
You're going back to the couch to lie down?
When did you get up? The only reason you
criticize the driving around here, is because you want
to be first off the line and it makes you mad when someone
beats you to the punch. Face it, you want to leave them
at the light so they'll have to get behind you. You need
to speed everywhere and you are afraid they will get in
front of you. You even speed up the driveway giving me
whiplash when you slam on brakes to stop. Then I hear
bags of groceries hit the floor. As far as all this other
trivial mess you are ranting about, this is the way of
the world and you are not going to change it by whining.
As for cell phones, they are very useful when you need them.
How do you know that these people aren't making a
serious effort to get to someone they care very much about?
Also, I don't think people intentionally block the aisles.
It isn't always about you. I don't see it as an emergency
to get to the cookie or candy aisle but no one had better
be standing in your way.... as for the doughnut aisle,
people, WATCH OUT. Just because you are considerate
about leaving the area when you get a cell phone call,
does not mean that everyone will extend the same courtesy.
I don't agree with you when it comes to texting while driving
(and I saw in the paper the governor agrees with me).
You think it is all right and continue to do it, putting
our lives in jeopardy each time. Why do you think I offer
to do it for you? So we all have our faults but you just
seem to have a habit of pointing out everyone else except
your own. Of course I have found over the years that THAT
has become my fate in life. At least in your life...she said.
He Said
It never ceases to amaze me the way people go
out of their wayto make it difficult for others
to achieve their goals. Maybe it's a pet peeve of mine
but I would like for slow drivers to move out of
the fast lane when cars are behind them
and need to get by. Why do they insist on speeding
up only when another car is trying to pass by?
They are already not doing the speed limit while
holding up traffic and making a nuisance of themselves.
But as I try to ease around them, all of a sudden they
are in a rush.
Around here, beating me from the stoplight is a sport.
I can be beside someone at a stoplight, even if they
are in a 1943 Studebaker, and they want to race me
off the light. If I am in a department store pushing
my buggy down the aisle, I will inevitably run into
someone talking to a person they have not seen in a
couple of hours. Usually they are chatting and showing
pictures of either the baby or vacation photos from
the fifties. And please don't get me started
on cell phones. How did these people survive and who
did they talk to while shopping for groceries and
watching a movie before the invention of cell phones?
I don't want to get all keyed up about these trivial
things but I am thinking about calling my doctor and
asking for a prescription of Prozac or something just
to calm my nerves. I am not sure how much longer
I can take this junk. I am thinking about writing a
letter to the editor but lately that isn't even working.
I am staying in today and going back to the couch to lie down.
She Said
You're going back to the couch to lie down?
When did you get up? The only reason you
criticize the driving around here, is because you want
to be first off the line and it makes you mad when someone
beats you to the punch. Face it, you want to leave them
at the light so they'll have to get behind you. You need
to speed everywhere and you are afraid they will get in
front of you. You even speed up the driveway giving me
whiplash when you slam on brakes to stop. Then I hear
bags of groceries hit the floor. As far as all this other
trivial mess you are ranting about, this is the way of
the world and you are not going to change it by whining.
As for cell phones, they are very useful when you need them.
How do you know that these people aren't making a
serious effort to get to someone they care very much about?
Also, I don't think people intentionally block the aisles.
It isn't always about you. I don't see it as an emergency
to get to the cookie or candy aisle but no one had better
be standing in your way.... as for the doughnut aisle,
people, WATCH OUT. Just because you are considerate
about leaving the area when you get a cell phone call,
does not mean that everyone will extend the same courtesy.
I don't agree with you when it comes to texting while driving
(and I saw in the paper the governor agrees with me).
You think it is all right and continue to do it, putting
our lives in jeopardy each time. Why do you think I offer
to do it for you? So we all have our faults but you just
seem to have a habit of pointing out everyone else except
your own. Of course I have found over the years that THAT
has become my fate in life. At least in your life...she said.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Ides of March
March 2009 He Said She Said
He Said
I keep hearing about these Ides of March. Are they a new
group of troublemakers, a social club, or a group of misfits
just trying to stir up trouble? With the economy in such a
stupor, the price of everything going out of sight, and
people afraid to eat peanut butter, I just don't think as a
society that we need another group of folks making more
trouble for us. We live a pretty good life. We have been
blessed with good chidren, good health, good friends, good
neighbors and we get along with our families. Then I start
hearing about these ides of March people. I know about Julius
Caesar. He has been dead for years. I remember Julius being
told “beware the ides of March”, but those days are gone
forever so why should I worry about someone stabbing me in
the neck when I don't even go to the chapel, or forum, or
whatever venue he was attending when he was stabbed to death.
I go to the local grocery store or department store for shopping,
but I always have you along for protection. My theory is that
a bad guy is not going to attack a beautiful woman, so you are
sorta like my bodyguard. I date you for many reasons and the
majority of them you already know. This one reason I have been
keeping in reserve till the right moment. I guess this ides of
March thing brought out the reason. So instead of Hail Caesar...
I say Hail Dena. May you live forever and forever be strong.
She Said
I can't understand whether you are being silly, a coward, or just
plain ignorant. I don't mean that as being disrespectful to you,
but who told you that you were being threatened by the
Ides of March? That term, for your information, is only
a metaphor for some impending doom. Are you telling me that,
you are feeling some impending doom or someone has threatened
you with impending doom, or did you just happen to notice
that it was March and the term the Ides of March came to your
mind... so off you went on some man tangent.
Julius Caesar has not moved to Danville, Keeling,or Ringgold.
He is not going to be at one of the local department
stores or restaurants in Danville on the fifteenth of the or any
time this month. The only impending doom you normally worry about
is what I am fixing for supper. I think you have been eating too
many Snickers or drinking too much cola and your mind has been
twisted into some kind of foreign state that has gone way beyond
your usual out of brain wanderings.
The Ides of March.
Honestly, let's just say there were some evil spirits or bad guys
waiting behind a tree to get you, do you really think I would
jump out, give them a karate chop, or scream at the top of my
lungs just to protect you? I mean I love you and all that, but
I have a life to live and since I am in better shape
than you because I watch what I eat and exercise, I am probably
going to be outrunning you and the evil Ides of March. Trust me,
they are not going to bother you. Your creditors on the other hand
may be looking for you by the fifteenth of the month. But that
could be any month...not just March
He Said
I keep hearing about these Ides of March. Are they a new
group of troublemakers, a social club, or a group of misfits
just trying to stir up trouble? With the economy in such a
stupor, the price of everything going out of sight, and
people afraid to eat peanut butter, I just don't think as a
society that we need another group of folks making more
trouble for us. We live a pretty good life. We have been
blessed with good chidren, good health, good friends, good
neighbors and we get along with our families. Then I start
hearing about these ides of March people. I know about Julius
Caesar. He has been dead for years. I remember Julius being
told “beware the ides of March”, but those days are gone
forever so why should I worry about someone stabbing me in
the neck when I don't even go to the chapel, or forum, or
whatever venue he was attending when he was stabbed to death.
I go to the local grocery store or department store for shopping,
but I always have you along for protection. My theory is that
a bad guy is not going to attack a beautiful woman, so you are
sorta like my bodyguard. I date you for many reasons and the
majority of them you already know. This one reason I have been
keeping in reserve till the right moment. I guess this ides of
March thing brought out the reason. So instead of Hail Caesar...
I say Hail Dena. May you live forever and forever be strong.
She Said
I can't understand whether you are being silly, a coward, or just
plain ignorant. I don't mean that as being disrespectful to you,
but who told you that you were being threatened by the
Ides of March? That term, for your information, is only
a metaphor for some impending doom. Are you telling me that,
you are feeling some impending doom or someone has threatened
you with impending doom, or did you just happen to notice
that it was March and the term the Ides of March came to your
mind... so off you went on some man tangent.
Julius Caesar has not moved to Danville, Keeling,or Ringgold.
He is not going to be at one of the local department
stores or restaurants in Danville on the fifteenth of the or any
time this month. The only impending doom you normally worry about
is what I am fixing for supper. I think you have been eating too
many Snickers or drinking too much cola and your mind has been
twisted into some kind of foreign state that has gone way beyond
your usual out of brain wanderings.
The Ides of March.
Honestly, let's just say there were some evil spirits or bad guys
waiting behind a tree to get you, do you really think I would
jump out, give them a karate chop, or scream at the top of my
lungs just to protect you? I mean I love you and all that, but
I have a life to live and since I am in better shape
than you because I watch what I eat and exercise, I am probably
going to be outrunning you and the evil Ides of March. Trust me,
they are not going to bother you. Your creditors on the other hand
may be looking for you by the fifteenth of the month. But that
could be any month...not just March
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Valentine Stuff
He Said
Christmas is my favorite time of the year. My second
favorite time of the year is Valentines. Everyone
is in love, most people are sharing Valentine gifts,
and even couples who are just in love marginally,
are at least pretending to be in love on February 14th.
Sounds good so far, right? What about love in
the he said she said house. I might have mentioned a time
or two that my fiance' is a project person.
I walked into the bedroom one day last weekend and she was
laying tile on the bathroom floor. I mean measuring,
cutting, gluing or stapleing these carpet pieces to the
floor. I would have had to dread that job for week. It's
true that we went to Lowe's and bought all that stuff,
but I figured the job of laying that stuff would be a
summertime project at the very earliest. We were not
in the house ten minutes and she was laying whatever
that stuff was. I mention all of this because that day
she was more excited and more thrilled than she has ever
been when I have given her candy, or flowers, or a
special candlelight dinner at a restaurant out of town.
How do you top new flooring? I'll tell you. You don't.
So this February please don't tell her, but I have been
looking seriously at new counter tops at one of the
local hardware stores . This will be one Valentine
present that she will always remember.
And she thought she was smarter at shopping than I am.
This will be a gift of love that last a lifetime.
She Said
Do you know how many times you used the word “stuff”?
“Stuff” has no meaning. It's a garbage can term for
people with a limited vocabulary. But I can overlook
it this time if you want to talk about my projects.
My bathroom floor was cold so I carpeted it. True,
it was rather quickly after I bought the materials
(not stuff!) but school was starting back after the
holidays so it was a time-crunch thing. I will also
take exception to your attack on me about choosing
projects over a romantic dinner out or flowers.
(I may as well take candy, bypass my mouth and slap
it right on my hips!) How many times have I told you
how gorgeous the ladies room wallpaper is or how much
I loved the décor in certain restaurants? See...I can
be romantic, too. So what if I'm planning to copy it
at a later date. Remember when our favorite song came
on and I asked you to dance? I wasn't even worried about
scratching the floor that I had just waxed and polished.
I actually waited until you left before I got out the
buffer and touched it up. So let's see...what can I
get you for Valentines? I can't seem to think of
anything unique so I guess I'll have to go to Lowes
or Home Depot to try and find just the right “stuff”.
Christmas is my favorite time of the year. My second
favorite time of the year is Valentines. Everyone
is in love, most people are sharing Valentine gifts,
and even couples who are just in love marginally,
are at least pretending to be in love on February 14th.
Sounds good so far, right? What about love in
the he said she said house. I might have mentioned a time
or two that my fiance' is a project person.
I walked into the bedroom one day last weekend and she was
laying tile on the bathroom floor. I mean measuring,
cutting, gluing or stapleing these carpet pieces to the
floor. I would have had to dread that job for week. It's
true that we went to Lowe's and bought all that stuff,
but I figured the job of laying that stuff would be a
summertime project at the very earliest. We were not
in the house ten minutes and she was laying whatever
that stuff was. I mention all of this because that day
she was more excited and more thrilled than she has ever
been when I have given her candy, or flowers, or a
special candlelight dinner at a restaurant out of town.
How do you top new flooring? I'll tell you. You don't.
So this February please don't tell her, but I have been
looking seriously at new counter tops at one of the
local hardware stores . This will be one Valentine
present that she will always remember.
And she thought she was smarter at shopping than I am.
This will be a gift of love that last a lifetime.
She Said
Do you know how many times you used the word “stuff”?
“Stuff” has no meaning. It's a garbage can term for
people with a limited vocabulary. But I can overlook
it this time if you want to talk about my projects.
My bathroom floor was cold so I carpeted it. True,
it was rather quickly after I bought the materials
(not stuff!) but school was starting back after the
holidays so it was a time-crunch thing. I will also
take exception to your attack on me about choosing
projects over a romantic dinner out or flowers.
(I may as well take candy, bypass my mouth and slap
it right on my hips!) How many times have I told you
how gorgeous the ladies room wallpaper is or how much
I loved the décor in certain restaurants? See...I can
be romantic, too. So what if I'm planning to copy it
at a later date. Remember when our favorite song came
on and I asked you to dance? I wasn't even worried about
scratching the floor that I had just waxed and polished.
I actually waited until you left before I got out the
buffer and touched it up. So let's see...what can I
get you for Valentines? I can't seem to think of
anything unique so I guess I'll have to go to Lowes
or Home Depot to try and find just the right “stuff”.
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