The Tail Wagging the Dog

He Said

As everyone knows the dog of the house has been a
bone of contention for some time.
(no pun intended)
I like the dog and the dog likes me. That's not
the problem. The problem is the tail wags
the dog in our house. The dog gets fed first
before the grown ups. The dog gets walked
every day and the dog gets taken outdoors to
do her business whenever she gives a little cough.
Did I happen to mention that the dog has taken two
obedience classes and flunked both of them?
She has diploma's from both schools, but they were
bought with hundreds of dollars because she attended
all classes..
Reminds me of these diploma mills that you see in
the back of magazine’s where you can be proficient
at watering the lawn and get a degree with a few bucks.
The dog is cute and all that but she has no manners, she
still jumps on everyone, urinates on the floor if a
stranger gets too close and still barks for attention.
How can you chase the burgulars away by wetting on them?
Do the burglars leave to change
clothes or because of the rancid odor? Maybe they
just get P.O'd (no pun intended again) and leave? We did
not train her as a watch dog, although she scares
the heck out of many birds and squirrels if they get
in her yard. I did run into the last trainer this
week and told her some of these concerns. I told her
that everything she had been taught in dog school
is gone and she has reverted back to her old ways.
She said why don't you let me have her for 3 weeks
and I'll get her straight. The problem is I don't
think she will go because she has to teach school,
but I do plan on asking her.


She Said

Real Cute! I cannot believe that you have stooped
this low to talk about my Sophie. She is the sweetest
dog in the world and I love her very much. I know
you think she is only a dog, but to me she is almost
like a child of mine. She kisses me, hugs me,
and looks into my eyes like she could eat me up.
Then you go and talk about her like she is a dog.
I will admit that I have been busy lately and haven't
had as much time as I would like to keep up her training.
For the most part she is well behaved, and
you must admit that last week when I took her
to the Vet for a sleepover, she was having a
blast standing up on the counter so she could help
wait on the customers. Didn't you think that
was cute? I HAVE to wait on her because I am the only
mother that she has. I think you are just
envious because I don't take you
for a walk, or pour chicken juice on your
food or buy you bones to chew on. You're
old enough to take care of yourself and your
mother lives close by in Greensboro. I am not
about to be your surrogate mother. Sophie on
the other hand needs me so I give her my attention
as I see fit. You need to get over your jealousy
concerning the dog or maybe you need to go take
obiedience classes for a few weeks. It is not
the tail wagging thedog at all but if I put a
Gentle Leader around your snout, will you shut up?

Let the Readers Decide

He Said

First of all let me thank all of the readers who read our column.
The question most asked of us is how do you come up with the
topics? This is fairly easy for us. She is perfect and I am the
dunce. She just sits down and says," COMMODE...he doesn't
put the lid down and walla, a topic is born. DISHES...he refuses
to do them. Aha, another topic. JUNK FOODS...that's him,sounds
like a May column to me." It's really quite simple. Name a subject,
he's wrong. We have tried to reverse it. She says , how about
EDUCATION. I say we both agree on it, who is the adversary?
MONEY...we both agree, we would both like to have more.
CHILDREN... we have five between us, we don't need anymore,
and our children are perfect. No discussion there. A lot of you
that read the column are always giving us ideas, cell phones,
pets, relatives, lifestyles etc. I am not saying we haven't used
your ideas before, but we like for the subject to be something
that we have both shared and normally something that we
have shared in discourse. He Said, She Said, etc.etc.
Except for Christmas. The December column was something
that we both agreed on, celebrated together and always enjoy.
So there was no conflict. Most readers tell us that was their
favorite column. Maybe instead of writing He Said She Said,
we should be writing about all the things we do agree on.
That should be good for at least two columns and maybe
only one...The Christmas issue.


She Said

I would also like to thank our readers, especially the female
readers who 99% of the time agree with me. It is not that
you are a dunce Larry. It is not even a problem that you
and I are at odds with one another. It is just men are different
and women are different, and you and I don't mind sharing
our differences with our readers. I appreciate the readers
and their comments. You just don't know how many topics
I could cover where you and I do not agree. I am too much
of a lady to sit down with a pad, a thick pad, maybe even
a hundred page pad, and list out all of your faults. I would
never embarrass you in front of all our friends and readers.
I am just content to let you throw out some subject each
month, then make a big deal about it, as all men do, when
actually I see your problems as petty or insignificant(AS
MOST WOMEN DO ALSO). If our readers can identify
with a subject and they have had the same problem
in their relationship, and if they enjoy the humor(sometimes)
of the same situation and are entertained, then I am happy.
But secretly I think that most of my friends and probably
most of the readers feel like you are making a mountain
out of a molehill, and appreciate my calling you on it. They
also appreciate the fact that I am giving you
the window of my intellectual reasoning as most women
would do. I am sure 99% of my friends would agree.