The Tail Wagging the Dog

He Said

As everyone knows the dog of the house has been a
bone of contention for some time.
(no pun intended)
I like the dog and the dog likes me. That's not
the problem. The problem is the tail wags
the dog in our house. The dog gets fed first
before the grown ups. The dog gets walked
every day and the dog gets taken outdoors to
do her business whenever she gives a little cough.
Did I happen to mention that the dog has taken two
obedience classes and flunked both of them?
She has diploma's from both schools, but they were
bought with hundreds of dollars because she attended
all classes..
Reminds me of these diploma mills that you see in
the back of magazine’s where you can be proficient
at watering the lawn and get a degree with a few bucks.
The dog is cute and all that but she has no manners, she
still jumps on everyone, urinates on the floor if a
stranger gets too close and still barks for attention.
How can you chase the burgulars away by wetting on them?
Do the burglars leave to change
clothes or because of the rancid odor? Maybe they
just get P.O'd (no pun intended again) and leave? We did
not train her as a watch dog, although she scares
the heck out of many birds and squirrels if they get
in her yard. I did run into the last trainer this
week and told her some of these concerns. I told her
that everything she had been taught in dog school
is gone and she has reverted back to her old ways.
She said why don't you let me have her for 3 weeks
and I'll get her straight. The problem is I don't
think she will go because she has to teach school,
but I do plan on asking her.


She Said

Real Cute! I cannot believe that you have stooped
this low to talk about my Sophie. She is the sweetest
dog in the world and I love her very much. I know
you think she is only a dog, but to me she is almost
like a child of mine. She kisses me, hugs me,
and looks into my eyes like she could eat me up.
Then you go and talk about her like she is a dog.
I will admit that I have been busy lately and haven't
had as much time as I would like to keep up her training.
For the most part she is well behaved, and
you must admit that last week when I took her
to the Vet for a sleepover, she was having a
blast standing up on the counter so she could help
wait on the customers. Didn't you think that
was cute? I HAVE to wait on her because I am the only
mother that she has. I think you are just
envious because I don't take you
for a walk, or pour chicken juice on your
food or buy you bones to chew on. You're
old enough to take care of yourself and your
mother lives close by in Greensboro. I am not
about to be your surrogate mother. Sophie on
the other hand needs me so I give her my attention
as I see fit. You need to get over your jealousy
concerning the dog or maybe you need to go take
obiedience classes for a few weeks. It is not
the tail wagging thedog at all but if I put a
Gentle Leader around your snout, will you shut up?

What's Your Sign?

He Said

In going over some of our past columns and reading
about all of your negative opinions about me,
I decided to do some research into just what
my problems are.. Finding the answer was not
easy. After hours of research, I think I
understand why you find me so different.
The answer is quite simple really, I AM A LIBRA.
Since you don’t believe in Sun Signs in Astrology
you wouldn’t understand what makes me tick.
Here is what I found. “ Libra’s have elegance,
charm, good taste, are naturally kind, very
gentle, and loves harmony ( both music and social living)
and the pleasures that these bring.
Libra’s are sensitive to the needs of others
and have a gift, almost a psychic ability to
understand the emotional needs of their companions.
They do their best to cooperate and
compromise with everyone around them. Even though
Libra’s are diplomatic, they enjoy
seeing things from other people’s point of view.
Libra’s have an outgoing nature and one of
their strengths are in communicating brilliant
ideas to people.They are rarely at a loss for
words… even on their worst day, they have the
gift of gab. Since Libra’s ruling planet is
Venus, which is a soft and gracious planet and
feminine by nature, it gives a
Libran a softer side. Libran’s do have some
negative traits, they are flirtatious, impatient of
routine, easy going to the point of inertia,
but are seldom angry unless cheated or they
become aware of dishonesty in their dealings.
Libra’s are also known as “lazy Libra” and
they dislike coarse dirty work. Most Libra’s are
writers, lawyers, artist, composers, critics,
interior designers and managers of public
entertainment.”
I hope you can appreciate my efforts in
discovering all these facts in my research
so you can
better understand what makes me the man that
I am. I was never really lazy or never tried to
get out of helping in the yard; I was just born a Libra.
　
　
　
　
　
She Said

Doing research to compensate for your “laziness”
or lack of energy to do anything around the
house is almost laughable. Just because you found
out you were a Libra does not excuse
you from taking out the garbage. This newest
lame brain attempt to bypass your
responsibilities as a man is about the lowest
I have ever seen you go. It sounds like being a
Libra is an excusable disease or something. You
are right though when you say I don’t
believe in Astrology or believe that Sun Signs
should guide us on life’s journey. To make you
happy, I am putting my answer in the same vernacular,
I did some research on my own
about Libra’s. I found that “Libran’s do not tolerate
argument from anyone who challenges
their opinions; once they have reached a conclusion,
it’s truth seems to them to be
self-evident, and their faults is an impatience
of criticism and a greed for approval.” That
pretty much sums up my definition of you as a Libra.
Once you have made your point, there
is no need for me or anyone else to disagree with you.
I also found that Libra’s, because
Venus is the planet of love, “seeks love in everything
they do, particularly in relationships."
Finding their soul mate is a big dream, perhaps
even the most significant life mission and
very few Libra’s find the peace and satisfaction
they are looking for until they have connected
with that special person." If Sun Signs determine
who we are, how do you explain the fact
that I'm the easy going one in our relationship and I'm a Scorpio?

How to Please a woman

He Said


April is here and as you know with April comes
the honeydew list. We have talked about this
before and this year will be no different. I
am not going through the litany of every chore
that will need to be done around the house and
throughout the house. Go back to last spring
or the spring before and you'll see what I mean.
I'm trying to think of a new way this year to
get you to think outside the box. What if we
didn't do the same old things like cut the
grass or paint the living room? What if we
did something more exciting with our lives
this year? As a couple we only have a certain
amount of time to share together in our lifetime.
Why not make an exception this year and try
something new? The trick is going to be making
it so attractive that you will buy right into
it without objection. Taking you on a cruise
would be easy, you would fall for that because
it would be fun, but that would only be for one
week, two at the most. This new idea has to be
a whole summer of joy so intense that you would
forget all about the honeydew list and things
that need to be accomplished around the house.
It seems like the goal has to be to get you to
stop thinking about a chore list and start
thinking about ways to make me happy.If you are
spending all of your time satisfying me, you will
have no time left to spend on chores. The problem
is simple. I'll buy you a new house, so there is
nothing to clean or fix up. I will buy you a new
car so you will want to drive everywhere on vacation
(shopping!) I will buy you all new furniture and
appliances so you don't have to worry about repairs.
I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe so you don't have
to worry about clothes. On second thought I don't
think you would be dumb enough to fall for this.
You would see right through me. The good news is:
I just saved a ton of money!


She Said


It's ironic how similar our life's goals were when
we started dating twelve years ago. We talked about
sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and
growing old together. Three of our five children
were nearly grown and the other two were well
on their way. But as the years passed by all too
quickly, plans evolved in different directions.
You want to retire (someday) in Myrtle Beach
and I don't. The oceans' rushing waves remind
me that life is rushing by also and I picture
myself relaxing by a lazy river setting instead.
I plan on working as long as I can because too
many of our friends have passed away shortly after
retiring. I'll always have a project going on
because I don't stay idle very well. I like seeing
the fruits of my labor which is why I don't
mind housework, painting, cooking, etc. You have
an extraordinary talent as an artist and you
choose to waste it instead of drawing, painting,
etc. Wouldn't it be nice to have your work
hanging on the walls rather than art done by
someone we've never heard of? So I'll make a
promise to you that I won't ask you to do one
thing around the house this spring if you'll
make a promise to me...spend some time this
summer sitting at your easel and painting
so I can hang it up ...after I get the living
room redecorated.

Keeping it Real

She Said

By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter
should be behind us. Do you remember when we first
started dating, you told me that on weekends, your
ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up
because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well,
there are several inches of snow and ice on the
ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however,
I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately
because your hair looks like you were pardoned
thirty seconds after the switch was pulled!
Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush?

Seems like I remember another facebook entry
from you stating that "there wouldn't be as
many divorces if you tried as hard to keep
your partner as you did to get her". We all
fall into that marriage mode after a few years
and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly,
at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite
appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when
I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice
to come in, shower and relax, skipping
hairstyling and make-up. I know the way
I look doesn't change the way you feel about
me and vice versa.

Don't worry though, I won't take advantage
of your good nature by going to WalMart in
hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina
where the female population actually goes
shopping on Saturday morning with rollers
the size of orange juice cans. We can vow
to keep each other in check better than that.

He Said

Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer
this month , but I will give it the old
proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today ,
I just threw on a toboggan and hurried over to
your house before the snow got too deep, so we
could spend the whole day together( I see you
over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and
washing my hair and coming to your house is
the only thing keeping us together , let's
stock up on plenty of Prell shampoo or whatever
brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I
was probably talking about romance, flowers,
cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep
their woman happy. I know that when you are
not planning on leaving the house your M.O.
is to maybe wash your hair and let it dry
naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.

I understand that and to me that would seem to
say I know you love me no matter what I look
like , so I will just go with my natural look..
however, when I go out, I want to look my best,
dressed to the t, so I can know that the world
will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best
for them.

Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at
your best. Maybe I want to see you looking
extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you
want me to go to any store with you in hairculers
is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul,
rent a truck, and move you to that little old
town in North Carolina where all the women shop
with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that
day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.

So next time I come over, my hair will be clean,
my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean,
and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.

You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?

What is True Love ?

He Said


You might remember in the December issue we talked

about Christmas and what Christmas means to both of us.

My main concern was that there were not enough color

lights in my world at this time of the year. Since

she always decorates with white lights every year,

I had sort of lost touch with the excitement of

Christmas trees being decorated with color lights.

How exactly does all of this relate to true love?

Let me share a story with you and then you can

judge whether this is the definite definition of

true love. Right after we finished the column for

December I left to go to a meeting. This was at night.

Now I had complained fairly strongly, as I am apt

to do sometimes, about the white lights vs colored

lights problem. When I arrived back at her house

later that night, she had put up another Christmas

tree and decorated it with colored lights and all

of the trimmings just for me. (She already had a

7 foot tree decorated with white lights in the living room).

This is what I call going the extra mile, without a

hint to me, without me asking or badgering her into

doing it. She did this to please me. She did this

because she loves me and wanted to make me happy.

This is one way to prove to someone how much you

love them. To her I say, Happy Valentine's Day and I love you.


She Said


Now you know why I put up with him. Wasn't that just

the sweetest thing for him to do?

( Expressing his love to me publicly in our column).

He could have just as easily complained about the

gifts that I gave him for Christmas. (One of which

was a GPS with a female voice for those who are keeping score).

I wanted to see if there was another female voice

he would listen to besides his mothers') I laughed

all the way to the cashier just thinking about the

double entendre: Larry following driving directions

while listening to a female voice! As far as the

extra tree goes, I had an extra one with plenty of

decorations so why not use it instead of letting it

collect dust in the basement. It sure beat listening

to him whine about not having colored lights.

Seriously, I did want to please him. I wanted to

surprise him. It certainly did those things

and he was exceedingly glad. It was a nice touch

to the house and made me realize that he needs

or wants certain things in his life, that maybe

I would not choose, but makes him happy. As all

couples know when both of you are happy life is

so much easier. Of course this doesn't mean he

will help more around the house, that he will

help take down the tree, wash more dishes, or

even cut the yard this spring. However, for the

month of December all was bliss, we got to see

all our children, we ate more than we ever needed,

we saw both of our parents, went to Virginia Beach

and Myrtle Beach,and had two trees that we both

enjoyed. To us, that's what relationships and

holidays are all about. I still need a dryer,

but he is not pushing the pre-nup as much;

and he got color lights on a Christmas

tree this year. Life is good.

Past, Present, Future

He Said,

Another year is behind us and I for one feel pretty
darn lucky. I only gained about five pounds over
last year, I am another year older, and that is good
because I find myself above ground and still aggravating
you. But we are still engaged and our admiration for
each other grows deeper everyday (Okay, my admiration
grows deeper and yours stays about the same) but I'll
take what I can get.

When I think about the past 45 years, our high school
days come to mind. I think about all the times you
wouldn't go out with me but then again, I never asked
you. I was too intimidated by your charm and grace.
I had heard of those words back then but probably couldn't
even spell them. However here we are in the present,
and having the time of our lives making fun of
each other as we grow older, grayer, and heavier.
How can anyone top that for a happy life? Maybe we
should have our own TV show so everyone could join
in the fun. I would have a whole new audience to tell
my "good old days" stories to since you already know them.
Now about the future: I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR THOSE
AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES!!! You want something mundane
like a new dryer. Why not take my dryer and we could
sign a pre-nup in case you decide to look for another
man. Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about
a shopping trip.It's not that I need anything; it's
the thrill of the chase, kind of like chasing you all
of these years! Since I already have a model car
collection, an expansive book collection, and music
collection, I was thinking I could start collecting
something new. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe we
could explore antique stores looking for artifacts
from the 1800's. Wouldn't that make an interesting
display? Let's talk about it over dinner tonight.

She Said

I guarantee you that we'll talk over dinner tonight
but it won't be about relics from the 1800's. I already
have one big relic.I'm not interested in collecting
anything that takes up more room. If I can't eat it,
wear it, or ride it, I don't want it. Are you crazy???
A pre-nup for a used dryer? Who do you think you are,
Tiger Woods? We don't need a pre-nup for a ten year
old dryer! Now if you have hidden assets that I should
know about that might constitute a pre-nup, I am all ears.
Right now I am marrying you in spite of all your problems,
not because I feel sorry for you, but because you
make me laugh sometimes, you feed me well, you take me to
events like a movie matinee, free concert, etc. and you
are generally a nice guy who doesn'tt drink, smoke, or
carouse with the opposite sex. We do have a history and we
have had a great life so far together. You have never been
that great at marriage, but then you have never been married
to me. So far I think I have done a pretty good job of
training you or at least getting us on the same track.
I don't think men in general are trainable per se, but
we women do the best that we can with what we have. I
understand that you are not an outdoor person, a yard
person, or a working person, so I just accept that as
part of the package. If you're planning a TV show for
us, you're probably going to have to get a surrogate
She Said. I just don't think I have anymore hours to
give to you for such trivial mess as boosting your ego
with some kind of “it's all about you TV show”. If you
like you can put that in your pre-nup and hope that
your future includes me, and a NEW dryer.

What Christmas means to me...you light up my life?

He Said


Christmas only comes once a year and as I look at

my calendar I notice that we are here. I love

Christmas. I love the sounds, the music, the

crisp air around us, the joy of giving, etcetera.

Now let me tell you the things that I dread the most:

too many people getting in my way in the stores

and on the roads.

I am a Christmas eve shopper and one thing that I

don't need is a bunch of last minute shoppers

getting in my way. Also, what is the deal with

everyone telling me what to get them? I should be

able to get them whatever I think they deserve.

Another thing I hate is that I have been seeing Christmas

decorations up in the stores since August. I

couldn't enjoy Halloween this year because of all

the Christmas carols being played throughout the stores.

Christmas cards were on sale at the dollar

store before I had even made out my Christmas

card list. For my friends out there thinking, that's funny,

I didn't receive a card from him last year, don't worry,

I didn't send any. I am just saying that if I was

going to send them, all those early card displays

would turn me off. I hate to get into a big deal about

this because I know what she will say but, we have

been a couple for 10 or 11 years now so here goes.

Every year, and I do mean every year, she puts white

lights on her tree, and white lights on her

door , and white lights on her mantle wreathe.

There are even white lights up and down her sidewalk so

it looks like an airport runway. I haven't said much

about it, but Christmas is not going to ever be Christmas

for me until I see some lights that are colorful. Red,

yellow, blue, orange, and green, colors is what Christmas

is really all about.

I need bright lights and colors. Don't get me wrong ,

I do believe in the Christian part of Christmas and

I do know the true meaning of Christmas; it's just

that all this other stuff takes away from my Christmas

spirit. I don't want to be bah humbug; however, I

am starting to feel like the spirit of Christmas past

and that is not right. I need prettier and more

colorful Christmas tree lights in my life.



She Said


I think colorful Christmas tree lights is the least

of your worries. I have already bought most of my

Christmas presents this year, including your present.

I have given you many hints throughout the year

about what I want Santa to bring me. With all of your

fussing and whining about why Christmas isn't fair to you,

I'm not sure you're listening to me. Maybe I should get

a GPS for you just to see if that is one female voice you

will listen to and follow directions precisely. Why not buy your

presents early when there is a better selection instead

of those loved ones on your Christmas list having

to settle for leftovers on Christmas Eve? That, alone,

is reason to avoid the last minute rush. Besides, if

your children and I don't give you a list, there's no

telling what we would get, given your eclectic taste.

I don't need an electric scarf that plays Christmas

carols and your children don't need a tie with

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer with a blinking red nose.

As far as you not enjoying Halloween, you loved every

minute of driving the cart through Target

buying candy that was reduced. I didn't hear you

humming Christmas carols then; you were a man on a

mission. And Christmas cards.....I can guarantee you

that your friends will not receive a card from you

until the price of stamps goes down. Now lets talk

about white lights on MY tree, in MY house. Until

you walk me down the aisle and start paying MY electric

bills and buying MY tree decorations, you

can keep riding around town looking at other peoples'

yard decorations in color. I like MY white lights.

You said the colored lights are what you were used

to growing up...have you noticed that your mother

has all white lights this year? If you're the voice

of Christmas past, this is the voice of Christmas future,

if you know what I mean. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Reeding, riting, arrittmet.......Math

He Said She Said Showcase November 2009

He Said

Here is the problem with dating a school teacher.

(Is here a proper noun?). I don't care what you

do or what you say, most of the time it is wrong.

(Is wrong an adverb or a noun?) She comes to me

and says I am calling that company that advertises

Suits on TV because they are using the wrong

verb,tense,adverb, or something on television.

This makes it more difficult to teach the children

in school when they are seeing it wrong on television.

(I don't think you should have used more in front

of difficult). The most frequent one is the usage of

“that” and “who”. One is for a person description

and the other is for a thing description.(or something

like that..or who). If this happened once or

twice I could understand. But this is almost daily.

I have purchased four dictionary's and two large

Thesaurus's(or Thesauruses,or Thesauruss') and a

minithesaurus to carry in my glove box so that I

will know when or how to use the correct word.

(or is it wording?) Please don't get me started on

the dangling participle(is that the correct spelling?)

because even though is has been explained to me

over and over I am still letting it hang. The number

of times that I have ended a sentence with a

preposition number into the thousands and I have

just got to learn how not to end a sentence with to.

(or some other form of a prep.) When I went to the

INTERNET and found that some of our old grammar

was forgotten and now readily accepted(like that and who)

she started going to other teachers to make

her case. I will just have to keep trying to do

my best to speak the King's language like I was taught,

and please do not remind her about math. I don't

have time to get into all that. Let's just hope that

the current stays on in the retail stores, in case

one of the clerks has to make change.



She Said

When we were in high school the teacher ask me if I

would help tutor you in English so that you

could get your F up to a D minus. I did help you,

you did pass the English exam, and here it is almost

fifty years later and I am still having to tutor you.

Does this job ever end ? Don't get me wrong. I only

want to make you sound better in public when you are

making up words, using the wrong pronoun or

noun, using the wrong verb tense, slaughtering the

English language, and embarrassing me at every

event. Don't you want to be known as the person

with a strong vocabulary? The eloquent speaker

admired by your so called Posse”( I hate that term).

No, in reality, you probably do not care either

way. You just enjoy hearing the sound of your voice,

the knowledge that no matter what you say you

are always right, and that other people are standing

in line to hear what words of wisdom are going

to be coming forth from your mouth. After all these

years I should just give up and let you continue

to make a fool of yourself. However, as a teacher

it is my job to make sure that all that I teach learn

the fundamentals of grammar, spelling, verb tenses,

and yes, sometimes even math. Do I always

succeed ? I would say that you are a shining example of that answer.

Birthday Challenges

He Said

October is birthday month for both of us.. She usually gives me
subtle hints like “ That blue dress at Kohl's is nice.”, or
“Oh dear, my perfume is almost empty”. This year she just came
up to me and said I know what we should give each other for
our birthday's. Uh oh, I smell trouble coming. Being the
gentleman that I am, I politely ask her, “ What did you have
in mind, honey?” “How about we give each other a gift that we
both can enjoy this year and every year”. I am thinking a
new car, a La-Z-Boy recliner, or a years supply of ice cream.
The good stuff that we could enjoy together. “I think we
should give each other passports for our birthday”, she said.
Trouble! I'm thinking of spending $25 maybe $50 at the most.
“How much are they?” I ask. “Somewhere around one hundred dollars”
she said. I'm thinking that I can't eat them and they are
going to cost me way more than a hundred bucks with a trip out
of the country. Is this possibly a Christmas present hint?
” Wouldn't we be suspected of being terrorist's if we applied
for a passport?” I ask. “No, not if we just went to Canada
(or Paris or Italy), she said under her breath”. Oh that's
right, I just remembered, they don't have terrorist's in
these country's, just in the United States. You'll be reading
in the future, THE ADVENTURES OF COUNTRY COMES TO TOWN when
the beautiful SHE adorns his side in all the European papers.
What happened to a pair of slippers or a new neck tie for our
birthday gifts? ME in Paris???? France would never be the
same and they would more than likely confiscate the passport
and then another birthday gift would have been wasted.


She Said

Honestly, I try and add a little pizazz to our lives, think
outside of the box, change our hum drum lives, and like good
Presbyterians, his first reaction is CHANGE? We went to Canada
a few years ago and didn't need a Passport. Today a passport is
necessary to get back into the United States from just about
any country. We might not need passports, but just in case we do,
I thought it would be a great gift idea since most gifts I've
given you are still in the boxes. This would be a pragmatic gift,
something that we can share together, AND maybe take a trip in
the future (when we get a good deal of course). Passports take
about six weeks or more to arrive and I just thought that we
should apply now and have them in case we want to go abroad.
He sure knows how to ruin a girl's idea of fun. I already have
slippers ( probably 3 or more pairs from past birthday's)
so I don't need more slippers. He doesn't wear ties except to
church and he has a blue million in his closet. As far as he
or I being suspected of being a terrorist's, they would more
than likely suspect my standard poodle, Sophie, before they
would suspect us. Sophie has a ferocious bark, is larger than
a normal poodle, and has sharp looking teeth. No, I think he
just wants to get out of spending the hundred dollars because
he is cheap and is afraid he will have no excuse to leave
the country if he has a passport. Good thing we don't need
a passport to get into Myrtle Beach or we would have had
one years ago. Happy Birthday to my favorite terrorist. (lol).

Why did God invent TV ?

He Said

I remember when the television first came out in the
fifties for me. Black and White and only one or
two stations and you got your reception using an TV
antenna , or rabbit ears. I enjoyed my fair share
of TV in the fifties, Howdy Doody Time, Old Rebel Show,
Superman, Amos and Andy, Gunsmoke, and who could forget
The Mouseketeers, especially Annette. As I have grown
older , TV has either gotten worse, or I have grown up.
I do not need TV. TV certainly does not need me. In my
house the TV never comes on unless we have a war, a
catastrophe, or some important person gets married
besides me. (Princess Diana). Now I try to understand
the function of the TV, besides the excuse that it keeps
someone company. I mean you can get a dog to keep you
company and have more fun doing it.
She has five TV's and one day I am going to walk into
her house and sitting right in the bathroom will
be Matt Lauer staring back at me while I am sitting
on the throne. I mean give me a break. Her children
gave her a TV for the kitchen for Christmas.
(Good job kids),however, the kitchen was the only room
in the house where I could come over for breakfast
and we could share some time together talking just
the two of us. Now , of course, we listen with baited
breath about the next excursion that Matt is going
to take and is Meredith going with him. I mean really.
When is a man expected to get quality time with his girl.
It almost makes me want to get a dog. Not really.
Her dog is enough and that is a whole different story.


She Said

Here we go again. You are on your TV kick again.
About every two years he starts yapping about how
bad TV is, or the people who watch TV are somehow
inferior to him, or he is superior to everyone that
watches television. He has his moments. Some days
I walk in from being out and he is busy watching
Cops or Tru TV or that insane or inane Nancy Grace.
I agree with him wholeheartedly that he is not
a TV person. I will attest to the fact that he has
never watched American Idol. Should I give up TV for
him? Is he that important that I should give up the
Young and Restless? Do I want to miss Two and a
half men because he gets lonely easily? Love is
grand and all that but come on, give up Matt in
the morning? I should think not. Matt closes his
mouth when he chews, Matt does not talk back,
and Matt and I get along beautifully in the morning.
If Dr. McDreamy had a show I would buy two more TV's
for the rest of the house and maybe have TV put in
my car. Sophie, my poodle , has her own television
so she can watch Caesar............ to learn how to
behave better. Maybe there is a TV show that I can find
where he can learn to adapt better, learn to control
his needs and the judgment of others, and learn to
respect other peoples indulgences. Does anyone have
Dr. Phil's number? I think I need an intervention.

The Art of Getting Ready

Showcase Magazine August 2009

He Said

There must a slow club made up of women only when it

comes to doing make up and hair. This is sort

of a pet peeve; however, I have resigned myself to

the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am

talking about the fact that it takes you hours and

hours to get ready. You always look pretty (points

gained) even at your worse (I take that back. You have no worse).

So what goes on in that bathroom of

yours for days? It is like you are building a tunnel

to the South Pole. There are machines roaring, things

dropping, hisses of air that goes on forever, quietness

for 20 minutes at the time, and then I go in

there and there are tools that I have never encountered

before in my life. Scissor looking tools,

pencils of all shapes and sizes, dozens of cans of spray

things, soaps, little fluffy things that look like

sponges, boxes of Kleenex, and bottles of all shapes and

sizes. There are brushes, both big ones and

small ones. There is one contraption that looks like it

is made of metal with holes in the end. There are

many kinds of hair dryers, 240 tubes of lip stick, and

something called lip gloss along with several

hundred bottles of nail polish and a couple of bottles

of polish remover and cotton balls. The odor is a

mixture of tire lube and Windex. How you can stand in

there with that smell is foreign to me but

amazingly, every time you come out of that room, you

look radiant and smell as fresh as a daisy.

By this time (at least two hours) I am sleepy, worn out,

tired, or into a good show on TV.

Just let me say I would rather wait two hours and have you,

than wait 12 minutes and have a.....

well, you know what I mean.



She Said


Men! If you didn’t have us women to explain everything

to you, I sincerely believe that you would lie

in bed forever until someone came in, got you up,

dressed you, fed you breakfast, put you in your car,

put the gear shift in drive, and sent you off to work.

Did you say a SLOW club? I can work circles

around you so let’s compare notes. I get up at 5:00 a.m.

and work out on my elliptical for thirty

minutes after walking and feeding Sophie. Then I take a

shower and wash my hair followed by

applying makeup, drying and styling my hair. I listen

to the news while I’m getting ready just to keep

up with what’s going on locally, nationally, and globally.

After I get dressed, I’m ready to cook

breakfast and pack lunches while planning what to

fix for dinner. When all of this is done, I’m ready to

put in a full day of work and usually tutor after school.

As far as all of those contraptions, products, and noises

that go along with making myself presentable,

go crawl back into your cave, Mars. Let’s take a look

at man “tools”. When you build a cabinet (well,

not you) or wax the car (not you) or paint a room (not you either),

you need tools to get the job done.

Let’s try this: I’ll forgo all electrical appliances,

“hundreds” of bottles of makeup, and give up

exercising if you promise not to complain about my looks,

weight gain, and frizzy hair. Of course that

means all things electrical will take a vacation: the

stove, microwave, T.V., and computer (particularly

no access to Facebook). I hope you won’t mind wearing

wrinkled clothes because the iron is another

appliance that I use daily.

Weighing in on Dieting

He Said She Said Showcase July 2009

He Said

She came in a couple of weeks ago and said we need

to go on a diet. I knew not to say what I was

thinking, but I said it anyway. “ My assumption

is you want to lose weight , so we, meaning you

and I have to go on a diet”. That is correct ,

she said. We need to go on a diet together so it

want be so hard for one of us that is not eating

to have to watch the other one eat what they want.

In her mind that makes perfectly good sense. In my

mind this is the beginning of a train wreck. Which

one are WE going on this time? We are going on

Weight Watchers. O.K. How does that one work?

This is the easiest diet to go on she said.

All you have to do is eat anything you want as

long as you stay within your allotted amount of points.

Do I get to choose how many?, I ask. No it goes by the

weight system. You weigh about two hundred and fifteen

pounds, so you can have 26 points a day.

I figure about one point for each items gives me 26 items

to eat each day, yeah , I can probably handle this diet.

No, she says. All food items have points , so everything

you eat adds up to your total amount of points you can eat

each day. Like a hamburger plain is 8 points. A Big Mac is

thirteen points.

Good I can have two Big Macs for lunch. That is fine she

says as long as you don't eat breakfast or dinner.

Who decides my points? Your weight decides, she says.

So if I weighed 300 pounds I could have more points.

Yes she said, but you want to lose weight, not gain weight.

If I can have anything I want to eat and just count points,

count me in . Who keeps up with the points, I ask. You do, she says.

Even better I say. I never was that good in math anyway.


She Said

I do my best with him. He is almost getting to be

impossible to work with. I am not complaining,

mind you, but men including my man, do not have a

clue about diets. I tried to explain to him the

other day about the weight watchers system of

keeping points and losing weight. Of course he wants

to make a joke about it and I just went along with him.

I am watching my points and I am right on track. I am

afraid that each day when I ask him what he ate , he

says a sandwich. It probably is two sandwiches and

some candy. I don't see him getting thinner. If he

tells me he is not hungry at night I assume he has

sneeked out and had a meal somewhere else. He uses

the excuse that he can' t do math that well and I

send him to work with a calculator and a weight

watchers food wheel. I really don't think this is

going to work for him, however, it helps me stay

on my diet, I don't have to cook as much, and

since he is playing along, he is not always

asking me to go to Bubba's for a milk shake or

banana split every night. Sometimes you just have

to let them think they are making all the decisions

to get what you want. I mean I would never do that ,

but I know girls who do. Next time you see him out,

ask him if he is gaining weight. That will fix him.

The Dinner Party

He Said

We attended an Awards Banquet a few weeks ago
and we both enjoyed it very much. Anytime we can
be together is a real joy for me because you are
so beautiful and intelligent. Sometimes you are
a little too beautiful and all knowing. Let me see,
Miss Manners, if I remember this correctly.
Use the little fork for salads.  Don't push your
food onto your fork with your fingers. Don't
start eating before others at the table begin.
Don't put your salad dressing on your salad
until the appropriate time (whenever that is).
Put your napkin in your lap. Pass all foods to
the right, even if the lady on your left is asking
for you to pass the bread. Don't hog the conversation
at the table. Don't stare at people. Don't spread
rumors about your friends and ex-wives. Don't ask
anyone their business. Be sure and eat all your food.
Don't ask what something is if you don't know.
Don't be the first one to eat your dessert. Don't
ask the waiter for a doggy bag. Don't holler across
the room for the waiter to bring you more tea. Don't
turn over your coffee cup unless you want coffee.
Don't talk with your mouth full. Gentleman should stand
when a lady rises to be excused. Be sure to pull the
chair out when you are ready to sit down. Make sure
that I introduce you to everyone at the table.
Make sure to turn your silverware upside down and
lay it on the plate to alert the waiter that you are
finished. Don't leave you alone at the table while
I go off visiting my friends.

To be honest with you, I really don't see any sense
attending these things. Too many rules and hoops
to jump through. Next time let's just go to
Ma Possum's and get a hot dog.

She Said

Are you insinuating that I make your life miserable
every time we go to a nice (or fancy as you call it)
dinner with people who expect appropriate manners.
Maybe we don't go out to enough of these parties
for you to remember your manners, or at least the
ones I have tried to teach you. It's not that you
embarrass me, I am trying to protect you from
yourself so you won't embarrass yourself.

Most of the time you are pretty well behaved and
a gentlemen. Being from the south, you may have
some idiosyncrasies that don't particularly appeal
to me, but that fit into your lifestyle. Save all
that junk for your fishing trips
( oh, wait a minute, you don't fish) or your
hunting trips( oh, wait a minute, you don't hunt)
or whenever we go to Atlanta.

Pushing your food on your fork with your fingers
is just plain gross. Why not just stand on the
table and eat with your feet? All of those other
traits and manners that you mentioned are just
good common sense. I didn't suggest them to you
before we left; however, the next time we go out,
please take a copy with you so you can refer to it.
Most people live by these rules on a daily basis...
others have to print out an agenda. I am afraid you
fall into the latter category. But I will be
watching to see if you can make the grade,
and I will reward you accordingly.

What Men Don't Know

He said She said – Showcase May 2009

He Said
Here is the deal. During a recent discussion about family
dynamics {thank God it wasn't our family this time}, I was
trying to make a point with you about what men know and
don't know when it comes to getting inside the female brain.
You shared with me a story about one of our friends
who is suddenly devastated by the fact that her husband does
not help around the house after years of NOT helping around
the house. Your statement to me was that since he is
retirement age, he could just stay home and be a house
husband. He could cook, clean, do laundry and have dinner
ready when she gets home. They could fire the maid and
gardener and everyone would be happy. Here is where I start
losing the point. Is she upset because they can afford these
things? Is she upset because he does not want to make an
effort? I gingerly added, (I know I'm treading on uncharted
territory at this point) HAS SHE EVER TOLD HIM HER DESIRES?
Here comes the communication breakdown. We as men are
expected to read your minds, know what you are thinking,
and then react appropriately to it. So if I come home,
sit down, read the paper, and wait for dinner, it's
because I have been doing this for years or let's just
say you have let me get away with it for years. Then one
day you decide I should be painting the house, or mowing
the grass, or peeling the potatoes. I'm still in the old
mindset and for whatever reason, you've had an epiphany
and have done a 180 degree turn. You've been stewing
because I didn't bring in the garbage cans, get the mail
in, or any other small trivial job that I didn't do.
I guess the old proverbial “job jar” should be ressurected
just to keep you happy.

At least it will not tax my brain trying to read your mind.



She said

You read my mind? Yeah right. Your mind is so far removed
from what goes on in the house and around the house, that
many days I'm surprised that you even found the house. You
are right about one point. In my desire to bring you up right,
I didn't start soon enough giving you your list of weekly
chores. I just brought the garbage cans around after they
were empty, instead of waiting a week to bring them around
before the next pickup. How foolish of me to expect you
could think on your own to bring them around quickly.
My point about our friends was that after all these years
of marriage, he should want to help around the house,
out of love or out of commitment or just to make her load
lighter. It had nothing to do with reading minds, making
job jars, or writing a note on his forehead.
I only suggested that she was frustrated that day because
he came in, sat down, read the paper, and asked her what
time dinner would be served. All of this occurred after
she had worked the same 8 or 9 hours that he had worked.
No, if you could read my mind, some days you would probably
run for the hills, especially after a long day at work,
coming home with a headache and instead of you saying
“hello, how was your day?”, you ask me “ What's for dinner
tonight?” I am telling you I don't think you're ready for
what is inside my head at that very moment. As far as you
peeling potatoes, I would pay a hundred dollars to see that,
two hundred to see you paint the house, and I don't have
to worry about you starting the lawn mower because you
might get a hernia.

It's Aways about You

April 2009 Showcase He Said She Said

He Said
It never ceases to amaze me the way people go
out of their wayto make it difficult for others
to achieve their goals. Maybe it's a pet peeve of mine
but I would like for slow drivers to move out of
the fast lane when cars are behind them
and need to get by. Why do they insist on speeding
up only when another car is trying to pass by?
They are already not doing the speed limit while
holding up traffic and making a nuisance of themselves.
But as I try to ease around them, all of a sudden they
are in a rush.
Around here, beating me from the stoplight is a sport.
I can be beside someone at a stoplight, even if they
are in a 1943 Studebaker, and they want to race me
off the light. If I am in a department store pushing
my buggy down the aisle, I will inevitably run into
someone talking to a person they have not seen in a
couple of hours. Usually they are chatting and showing
pictures of either the baby or vacation photos from
the fifties. And please don't get me started
on cell phones. How did these people survive and who
did they talk to while shopping for groceries and
watching a movie before the invention of cell phones?
I don't want to get all keyed up about these trivial
things but I am thinking about calling my doctor and
asking for a prescription of Prozac or something just
to calm my nerves. I am not sure how much longer
I can take this junk. I am thinking about writing a
letter to the editor but lately that isn't even working.
I am staying in today and going back to the couch to lie down.

She Said

You're going back to the couch to lie down?
When did you get up? The only reason you
criticize the driving around here, is because you want
to be first off the line and it makes you mad when someone
beats you to the punch. Face it, you want to leave them
at the light so they'll have to get behind you. You need
to speed everywhere and you are afraid they will get in
front of you. You even speed up the driveway giving me
whiplash when you slam on brakes to stop. Then I hear
bags of groceries hit the floor. As far as all this other
trivial mess you are ranting about, this is the way of
the world and you are not going to change it by whining.
As for cell phones, they are very useful when you need them.
How do you know that these people aren't making a
serious effort to get to someone they care very much about?
Also, I don't think people intentionally block the aisles.
It isn't always about you. I don't see it as an emergency
to get to the cookie or candy aisle but no one had better
be standing in your way.... as for the doughnut aisle,
people, WATCH OUT. Just because you are considerate
about leaving the area when you get a cell phone call,
does not mean that everyone will extend the same courtesy.
I don't agree with you when it comes to texting while driving
(and I saw in the paper the governor agrees with me).
You think it is all right and continue to do it, putting
our lives in jeopardy each time. Why do you think I offer
to do it for you? So we all have our faults but you just
seem to have a habit of pointing out everyone else except
your own. Of course I have found over the years that THAT
has become my fate in life. At least in your life...she said.

Ides of March

March 2009 He Said She Said

He Said

I keep hearing about these Ides of March. Are they a new
group of troublemakers, a social club, or a group of misfits
just trying to stir up trouble? With the economy in such a
stupor, the price of everything going out of sight, and
people afraid to eat peanut butter, I just don't think as a
society that we need another group of folks making more
trouble for us. We live a pretty good life. We have been
blessed with good chidren, good health, good friends, good
neighbors and we get along with our families. Then I start
hearing about these ides of March people. I know about Julius
Caesar. He has been dead for years. I remember Julius being
told “beware the ides of March”, but those days are gone
forever so why should I worry about someone stabbing me in
the neck when I don't even go to the chapel, or forum, or
whatever venue he was attending when he was stabbed to death.
I go to the local grocery store or department store for shopping,
but I always have you along for protection. My theory is that
a bad guy is not going to attack a beautiful woman, so you are
sorta like my bodyguard. I date you for many reasons and the
majority of them you already know. This one reason I have been
keeping in reserve till the right moment. I guess this ides of
March thing brought out the reason. So instead of Hail Caesar...
I say Hail Dena. May you live forever and forever be strong.

She Said

I can't understand whether you are being silly, a coward, or just
plain ignorant. I don't mean that as being disrespectful to you,
but who told you that you were being threatened by the
Ides of March? That term, for your information, is only
a metaphor for some impending doom. Are you telling me that,
you are feeling some impending doom or someone has threatened
you with impending doom, or did you just happen to notice
that it was March and the term the Ides of March came to your
mind... so off you went on some man tangent.
Julius Caesar has not moved to Danville, Keeling,or Ringgold.
He is not going to be at one of the local department
stores or restaurants in Danville on the fifteenth of the or any
time this month. The only impending doom you normally worry about
is what I am fixing for supper. I think you have been eating too
many Snickers or drinking too much cola and your mind has been
twisted into some kind of foreign state that has gone way beyond
your usual out of brain wanderings.

The Ides of March.

Honestly, let's just say there were some evil spirits or bad guys
waiting behind a tree to get you, do you really think I would
jump out, give them a karate chop, or scream at the top of my
lungs just to protect you? I mean I love you and all that, but
I have a life to live and since I am in better shape
than you because I watch what I eat and exercise, I am probably
going to be outrunning you and the evil Ides of March. Trust me,
they are not going to bother you. Your creditors on the other hand
may be looking for you by the fifteenth of the month. But that
could be any month...not just March

Valentine Stuff

He Said

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. My second
favorite time of the year is Valentines. Everyone
is in love, most people are sharing Valentine gifts,
and even couples who are just in love marginally,
are at least pretending to be in love on February 14th.
Sounds good so far, right? What about love in
the he said she said house. I might have mentioned a time
or two that my fiance' is a project person.
I walked into the bedroom one day last weekend and she was
laying tile on the bathroom floor. I mean measuring,
cutting, gluing or stapleing these carpet pieces to the
floor. I would have had to dread that job for week. It's
true that we went to Lowe's and bought all that stuff,
but I figured the job of laying that stuff would be a
summertime project at the very earliest. We were not
in the house ten minutes and she was laying whatever
that stuff was. I mention all of this because that day
she was more excited and more thrilled than she has ever
been when I have given her candy, or flowers, or a
special candlelight dinner at a restaurant out of town.
How do you top new flooring? I'll tell you. You don't.
So this February please don't tell her, but I have been
looking seriously at new counter tops at one of the
local hardware stores . This will be one Valentine
present that she will always remember.

And she thought she was smarter at shopping than I am.
This will be a gift of love that last a lifetime.


She Said

Do you know how many times you used the word “stuff”?
“Stuff” has no meaning. It's a garbage can term for
people with a limited vocabulary. But I can overlook
it this time if you want to talk about my projects.
My bathroom floor was cold so I carpeted it. True,
it was rather quickly after I bought the materials
(not stuff!) but school was starting back after the
holidays so it was a time-crunch thing. I will also
take exception to your attack on me about choosing
projects over a romantic dinner out or flowers.
(I may as well take candy, bypass my mouth and slap
it right on my hips!) How many times have I told you
how gorgeous the ladies room wallpaper is or how much
I loved the décor in certain restaurants? See...I can
be romantic, too. So what if I'm planning to copy it
at a later date. Remember when our favorite song came
on and I asked you to dance? I wasn't even worried about
scratching the floor that I had just waxed and polished.
I actually waited until you left before I got out the
buffer and touched it up. So let's see...what can I
get you for Valentines? I can't seem to think of
anything unique so I guess I'll have to go to Lowes
or Home Depot to try and find just the right “stuff”.

New Year Resolutions 2009

He Said

The new year has arrived and as usual I start thinking about how
I can make my life better or maybe even make your life better,
being the gentleman that I am. So here is my list of New Years
Resolutions for you to decimate.

I hereby agree to stay out of the way of your vacuum cleaner.
I know that in years past I might have complained about the
noise and having to raise my feet. But this year I will go to the
movies while you clean. That is the least I can do.

I promise to not get in your way as you mow the grass. I will
continue to sit on the porch and read and not be critical of the
blades of grass that you miss.

As you give the dog a bath, I hereby swear that I will not
stand behind you and try to get the dog excited so that she
tries to escape and covers you with water, even though it is funny.

I promise not to give all your friends pet names and call them by
those names when they call or we talk about them...although Goofy
is a good name for one of your friends because they act Goofy.

I promise to drive the shopping cart in a professional manner when
we go grocery shopping and not to put too many items in the cart
that you did not approve , so that when we get home I get fussed at.

I promise not to start smoking or drinking this year, because it
is bad for me and makes your house stink, and you know
I don't want to make your house stink.

I hereby agree to be nice to all your friends and neighbors and
relatives and children and workers so that they will like me and
not encourage you to marry Dr. McDreamy.

I will try and clean out my car if I get a chance so we can
take my car when I take you out to eat and spend money on you
and you won't have to use the gas in your car.

I will try and lose some weight so you can show me off to all
your friends and tell them how you whipped me into shape in
just a few years.

She Said


Another year and more of your dumb resolutions that you never
ever follow. But is seems to make you happy to write them down
so I again this year will play along. I might even have a couple
of ideas for you myself. The best thing for us to do is for me to
write your resolutions for you and you write my resolutions for me
and this way we can see what the other persons thinks about our
daily habits. But this would be far too difficult for you so I will
just comment on yours.


Just like a man to think that he is helping his significant
other by going to a movie while she cleans.

The first time I let you mow the grass you did such a horrible job
that I told you never to touch my mower again. Now I think you
screwed up on purpose to get out of mowing.

The dog is not excited she is just trying to escape the chore
of bathing. Sort of like most men.

Most of my friends are so above you intellectually that even
if I told them they would just say you have such low self esteem
and are tremendously jealous of their intellect.

As long as you pay for the groceries I don't care what you put
in the basket. As far as your driving skills, the pattern follows
how you drive on the highway. I see no difference.

My house only stinks when you bring hot dogs home. You are too
cheap to buy cigarettes and you are not old enough mentally
to drink yet.

I don't want to have to break in another man rich or poor.
I will just keep you since you are already house broken.

Your car is a joke.

Your weight does not bother me. Your neatness factor could
stand a workout though.

At our ages change does not come easy. I have just learned to
accept you as a challenge. Even if I don't succeed I have given
it a great run for the money. No matter what we always have next
year to improve your habits. At least you should be grateful that
we did not have room to talk about me. As usual,it is always
about you.

Happy New Year everyone.

Decipher the Correct Christmas Carols

As the Christmas season begins, Dena and I would like to
thank you for your e-mails, comments, and letters about
“He Said She Said”.
We do it for fun and love making people laugh and also
think about their own relationships. We enjoy coming up
with different topics and hearing others reactions.
We ARE in LOVE despite what you read.
Remember to keep Christ in Christmas this year and
always try and get along with your significant other.
Be happy all year not just at Christmas time.
This is the one thing that we all can agree on this season.
Below you will find some of Dena and Larry’s favorite
Christmas Carols.
Decipher the correct title of the Christmas Carols that they love.
You will find the answers under COMMENTS
where you choose your answers from the list in the next blog.
Good Luck.
Merry Christmas from Larry and Dena.

1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far Off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermilion Proboscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Some of Larry and Dena's Favorite Christmas Carols

OK, if you need help, look at this easier list of some of Larry and
Dena's favorite Christmas carols.

1.O Holy Night

2.White Christmas

3.Angels We Have Heard on High

4.Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

5.All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

6.It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

7.God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen

8.O Come, All Ye Faithful

9.O Little Town of Bethlehem

10.Away in a Manger

11.Deck the Hall

12.Little Drummer Boy

13.We Three Kings

14.Silent Night

15.My Favorite Things

16.Santa Claus is Coming to Town

17.Let it Snow

18.Go, Tell It on the Mountain

19.Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer

20.What Child is This?

21.Joy to the World

22.Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

23.The Twelve Days of Christmas

24.Rocking around the Christmas Tree

25.Do They Know It's Christmas Time

26.The First Noel

27.Feliz Navidad

28.Happy Xmas (war is over)

29.Merry Christmas Darling

The Art of Being Left Handed Pt.2

She Said

This left-handed business is pretty fascinating. I dug a little deeper and found a lot of things that you aren’t supposed to be able to do because you're left-handed. Aren’t you glad I'm so understanding?
Apparently, it’s the left-to-right motion that’s the problem resulting in “How many Larrys does it take to screw in a light bulb?” When you were in school and the desks were all for right-handed people, did you protest? What about spiral notebooks? Does the wire get in the way or your hand cramp when using a composition book? Try using it from back to front instead of front to back!
Does the ink or pencil smear when you write? Is that why your penmanship is illegible? I suppose you would like for the car makers to put the ignition on the left side of the steering wheel just for you. What about door handles . . . should they turn from right to left? This is one that probably doesn’t affect you . . . did you even know that the kill switch on a chain saw is on the right? Every year there are 10,000 left-handed people who die from using items designed for “normal” right-handed users. I'll bet Bill Gates could make another fortune if he would invent a mouse for left-handers.
I do notice, however, that although Lazy Boy Recliners operate on the right side, you don’t have a problem relaxing in one.
I’ll bet you feel even more discriminated against when you take language into consideration: a left-handed compliment for instance. Did you know the word for “left” in French is “gauche” and in Latin it’s “sinister.” In contrast, the French word for “right” is “droit” from which we get the English word “adroit” and Latin for “right” is ‘dexter" from which we get “dexterous.” In tarot cards, the word for “right” is “justice” and the word for “left” is “devil.”
One more interesting fact is that there are scholarships for left-handed people. Is there a reason for that? I have a great idea. Since August 13 is International Left-Handers Day, I’ll plan a huge celebration in honor of the fact that you’ve survived another year of successfully using your “wrong” hand!


He Said

You are not going to let this left-handed thing go, are you? I’ve known you for 40 years and dated you for 10 years, and this month you discovered the world of being left handed? Up until this month, I just have not thought about it. I have adapted quite well to the world of right-handers, and so far you have been the only one to give me a lecture and history lesson of being left-handed. I guess that is what I get for dating a school teacher who looks to educate the world or at least my world on the detriment of a person who uses the wrong hand in your sight.
I don’t have enough space to tell you about all of the geniuses who are left-handed or the most creative people in the world who just happen to be left-handed, but does the name Albert Einstein ring a bell for you?
No? I just happen to be in a class of intellectuals and creative people throughout the world who make your poor, pitiful right-hand world bland without all of the left-handed people in the world creating a world of entertainment and joy for you. You should really be on your knees begging me to teach you how to be left handed, so that you too can enjoy the superiority complex world that I am forced to live in as a left-hander.
As you well know, we are only about 10% of the population. So I thank God every night for reaching down and making me a very special person.
I really do feel sorry for you ordinary right-handers

The Art of Being Left Handed Pt.1

She Said:

I can handle the fact that you can't cut with a pair of scissors, use power tools, turn a corkscrew, etc., but it's the mumbling that gets to me. I've read many of the books about Southpaws but honestly, can you really blame mumbling on being left handed? I know. I've read the research about the likelihood that left- handers often mumble but all you need to do is open your mouth and enunciate your words. I know my hearing is diminishing as the years go by but I don't want to resort to a hearing aid until I have to. Is this some sort of subliminal plan to trick me into thinking I'm going deaf? What an evil streak you have. You will even turn your head away from me when you're talking so I can't hear you and when I ask you to repeat yourself, you increase the decibel level (ie: yell) instead of working on your enunciation. I don't need loudness, I need clarity. You can be sitting in another room and say something barely audible to me so I have to stop what I'm doing, walk to wherever you are and ask you to repeat yourself. Funny, but when you're talking to one of the guys on the phone, I can be outside and hear every word. I guess that's your business voice and with me you use your "come hither" voice. Today, as we were riding in the car, I didn't have a problem hearing you "talking" to other offensive drivers. If we occasionally disagree about something, I don't have trouble hearing you make your point. If you get agitated over business situations, you speak quite clearly. If you're calling the dog and she decides to ignore you, your voice is extremely clear. So let's make a deal...stop mumbling and I'll stop feeling sorry for you having to use your "wrong" hand instead of your right one!

He Said

Maybe it is because I am left handed that I am confused. Your first sentence mentioned left handedness and your last sentence mentioned being left handed. The other 290 words were about mumbling. I have 57 relatives. I have 986 friends. I have 699 business associates. I have 23 enemies, plus I talk to many people daily that I don't even know.
That's about 2055 other people not counting the people I do not know that have never,
let me repeat that again…have never ever complained about my mumbling or their
inability to hear me. Maybe this can give you some insight to YOUR problem that for
some reason you are trying to put on me. I mean don't get me wrong. I am left handed.
I apologize. You might want to speak to my parents about this, as I am sure you must
be aware that it is probably their fault and not mine. I might also remind you that I have two children who are both left handed and very creative and intelligent as most lefties are.
If memory serves me right there are several people who you talk to on the phone and
I believe that several times (765 to be exact) I have heard you either ask to them to speak up or when you get off the phone you complain to me that you could barely hear them.
I have a very good friend who is in the audiologist business and maybe I should contact him for an appointment. Of course I will have to call him and being left handed and mumbling all over the phone, I am sure he will not understand me. I will just text him.

Left handed of course.

Dating When You Are Older

He Said
by Larry Oldham

Do you remember back when you were 16? Just about time you began realizing how significant girls were in your life, you also realized that the girls at school were different from your sister—especially if you were going to ask one of them for a date. That got to be a major fear for some of us, not because we were shy, but because we were terrified of being rejected.
But that was then. This is now and dating now that we are older brings on a whole new plethora of major troubles and fears.
Don’t get me wrong. I love dating, but relationship rules have changed. The biggest problem at sixteen was what movie to see or what to wear to the prom. Now I’m older, the question is still which movie to see and what to wear to church. But these days my significant other also has an opinion—usually an opposite opinion.
My fiancée says if I wear my brown suit, it will clash with her new black outfit. She wants to go to the movies, but it has to be between three and five, nothing scary, nothing with too much blood, and though she wants popcorn, “they cook it in saturated fat and they put too much salt on it”.
Now I know this sounds trivial, but I am trying to stay away from the controversial issues when dating as you get older like, raising children differently, sharing expenses, household duties (hers and mine), visiting relatives, choosing which friends to pal around with, how long we stay visiting each mother’s house, where we go on vacation, and who ate the last doughnut?
You know after thinking about it, dating at sixteen was probably a whole lot easier than I remember. There was less responsibility, accountability, and much less expensive. On the other hand, these days my fiancée cuts the grass, makes my supper, keeps the house spotless, buys the groceries, irons my shirts, and keeps me happy. Maybe dating as I get older isn’t so bad after all, plus—she is still just as beautiful as she was at sixteen.


She Said
by Dena Hill

Dating when you are older or dating when you are sixteen is basically all the same thing. You have to take care of a man.
Don’t get me wrong. I like dating. Men just never grow up. I think they all have that mother complex. They want a girlfriend; they want a woman in their life; but they can’t tell the difference between a girlfriend, a wife, or a mother. Their mothers took care of them, fixed their meals, cleaned up after them, and helped them through their most difficult times...now that’s what they want from a girlfriend or a wife.
I feel like now my children are grown and out of the house, I can sit down, relax, and maybe do something I want to do for myself. Instead, out of the blue, in the middle of the day, my fiancé decides that “we” want to go to a movie. Of course he wants to see a bang-bang, shoot’em up, car-wrecking, blood-splattering epic that lasts for at least four hours. If I don’t go, he pouts. If I suggest something that I want to see, he whines “Oh, that got bad reviews...but if you want to see it...”
Don’t get me started on clothes. Whatever is lying around the house that doesn’t walk by itself, he will wear. Truth is, he just needs to wake up and realize he is not sixteen anymore. He has a great mother—he doesn’t need two. He can fix his own sandwich, get his own soda, wash his own car, cut his own grass, and pick out what he wants to wear (as long as it matches my outfit).
He also needs to remember that we are both older now and have our own individual ideas about life based on how we were raised. He needs to start thinking about how we can make our lives better by sharing ideas and being happy that we are together.
Dating as an older couple isn’t hard, it’s just time consuming. I enjoy dating now, but give me some space and a little time for myself. As a matter of fact, if he went fishing with the guys more often, it would probably make dating much more fun.
Oh, I forgot. He doesn’t fish or go out with the boys. I guess that means we’ll be together all the time, so maybe we should just go ahead and get married...but that is entirely another column.

Let the Readers Decide

He Said

First of all let me thank all of the readers who read our column.
The question most asked of us is how do you come up with the
topics? This is fairly easy for us. She is perfect and I am the
dunce. She just sits down and says," COMMODE...he doesn't
put the lid down and walla, a topic is born. DISHES...he refuses
to do them. Aha, another topic. JUNK FOODS...that's him,sounds
like a May column to me." It's really quite simple. Name a subject,
he's wrong. We have tried to reverse it. She says , how about
EDUCATION. I say we both agree on it, who is the adversary?
MONEY...we both agree, we would both like to have more.
CHILDREN... we have five between us, we don't need anymore,
and our children are perfect. No discussion there. A lot of you
that read the column are always giving us ideas, cell phones,
pets, relatives, lifestyles etc. I am not saying we haven't used
your ideas before, but we like for the subject to be something
that we have both shared and normally something that we
have shared in discourse. He Said, She Said, etc.etc.
Except for Christmas. The December column was something
that we both agreed on, celebrated together and always enjoy.
So there was no conflict. Most readers tell us that was their
favorite column. Maybe instead of writing He Said She Said,
we should be writing about all the things we do agree on.
That should be good for at least two columns and maybe
only one...The Christmas issue.


She Said

I would also like to thank our readers, especially the female
readers who 99% of the time agree with me. It is not that
you are a dunce Larry. It is not even a problem that you
and I are at odds with one another. It is just men are different
and women are different, and you and I don't mind sharing
our differences with our readers. I appreciate the readers
and their comments. You just don't know how many topics
I could cover where you and I do not agree. I am too much
of a lady to sit down with a pad, a thick pad, maybe even
a hundred page pad, and list out all of your faults. I would
never embarrass you in front of all our friends and readers.
I am just content to let you throw out some subject each
month, then make a big deal about it, as all men do, when
actually I see your problems as petty or insignificant(AS
MOST WOMEN DO ALSO). If our readers can identify
with a subject and they have had the same problem
in their relationship, and if they enjoy the humor(sometimes)
of the same situation and are entertained, then I am happy.
But secretly I think that most of my friends and probably
most of the readers feel like you are making a mountain
out of a molehill, and appreciate my calling you on it. They
also appreciate the fact that I am giving you
the window of my intellectual reasoning as most women
would do. I am sure 99% of my friends would agree.

No Problem...He Said..She Winces

She Said by Dena Hill

We all have experiences that drive us up the wall. I was hoping that I would mellow with age, but so far, that hasn't happened.

For example— When I say "Thank you" for a service performed or a deed done, the typical response today is "No problem" instead of "You're welcome." I never said there was a problem so how does a problem enter into the picture? A simple you're welcome or okay would suffice.

In all fairness to the generation before us, such sayings as long in the tooth, fuddy duddy, all the rage, to tie the knot, to lose heart, and dry spell—when taken literally— probably had our parents confused. Each generation has its own lingo. How do you think a foreigner would interpret his nose is out of joint or a wolf in sheep's clothing or when pigs fly?

Another word that grates on my ears is library. There are two r's in library. The word is not libary. What about the word salmon? The l is silent so it sounds like sa-men. One day I heard someone denounce an opinion during a conversation by saying,
"That's a mute point." The word is moot; short o not long u.

There are, though, some exceptions. We have a Sunday School teacher who speaks eloquently but I DO listen to him. Our class is full of well-read worshippers who know the Bible backwards and forwards, so even if I thought someone was mispronouncing or misusing a word, I wouldn't correct them. Knowledge outweighs pronunciation and enunciation.

I know I've mispronounced words and I appreciate being corrected. After all, we never stop learning. I have a feeling that after this column hits the newsstand, I'll have readers yelling "No problem" at me.

I'll try to smile through my gritting teeth and crossed eyes and reply, "Was that only a slip of the tongue?"


He Said by Larry Oldham
Well, this is what I get for dating a school teacher.

Who cares what the response is when you say "Thank you" as long as there is a response? It beats a blank stare or being completely ignored. As much as I like to talk, I'm just interested in carrying on a conversation with someone. I certainly don't judge how they're using English grammar.

You must be accustomed to hearing incorrect grammar in the classroom, so you're judging everyone you see or hear. Granted, it's your job to teach acceptable speech patterns, but you need to lighten up on the general population. We speak the way we do because we were taught by our parents and their parents before them. We hand down our way of communicating the same way we hand down stories from one generation to the next. I can't worry about how foreigners interpret our language as long as I know what I mean. If they want to think that pigs really can fly, that's their problem, not mine.

Also, I've been saying "libary" my whole life and it probably isn't going to change now that you've brought it to my attention. I love books and they'll still be inside "the room" no matter how I pronounce it. The same holds true for salmon. There are six letters in that word and I'm going to pronounce every last one of them! (But I don't have to eat it, do I?)

I guess I should send up smoke signals to communicate with you because now I'm afraid I'll mispronounce a word and you'll be writing it down in your little composition book to be used in a later column. But one thing we agree on is our Sunday School class...it's great! I toyed with the idea of teaching once in a while until I realized how critical you are about grammar. Do you think you could occasionally be sick so I can teach in peace? Thank you...No problem.