Dog Days of Summer

He Said She Said Showcase Magazine August 2011 Dog Days of Summer Larry and Dena
 
He Said
 
It's August, summer school is over, your youngest son
has left the nest, all of the furniture in the house has
been moved and a new school year has begun for you this year.
This is just a recap of the first summer I spent with you
as my beloved wife. I imagine that your take on this summer
will be quite different from mine but that is why we share
our lives with our readers. First off, you spent the summer
teaching summer school. So much for building a relationship
because it meant that for the first six weeks of the summer
I was on my own. You went to school at the regular time, 
your students left at one and you stayed at school until
two or three making lesson plans for the next day. Then
you came home to catch up on all the work you had missed
because you were teaching. Summertime to me would mean
taking three months off of teaching, sitting around
drinking tea, and catching up on reading or visiting
friends. This is what I would like for you to do. Your
idea is painting the spare bedroom, moving all the
furniture from one room to the other, throwing away
all of the things that YOU don't need, (what about
the things that I need?) and putting everything else
in a pile for a someday yard sale, which you hate.
Everything that was mine in our bedroom was put into
a Walmart plastic bag and dumped in the spare room.
Everything that was yours was either put into your seven
closets or into one of your twenty three drawers
throughout three bedrooms. You did graciously give
me two drawers for my socks, underwear and whatever
else I might get to keep. As I told someone
at lunch the other day, yes marriage is o.k, but all
those rules that you had when we were dating, that
were not enforced, have now started being enforced.
 
She Said
 
I wish your glass was half full instead of half empty.
I do all of the washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning,
mowing grass, etc., while you play on your computer
and read. 
You had better be glad that I don't take the time to
tell you what I think you should be doing over the
summer. I will say, though, that the same life you
been living for sixty plus years didn't change this
past year. I'm not saying you're a creature of habit,
but the world could set their clocks by how you live
your life. You get up in the morning, say hello to
all your facebook friends, whine about a dream you
had overnight, or how your hair looks, eat breakfast,
go to work, come home, read your book, eat dinner,
go on facebook, eat a snack, complain about being
fat, go to bed and start the whole procedure all 
over again seven days a week. On Sunday you change
it up a little when we go to church.  I am not
complaining. I married you for your.....well, I
don't remember why I married you, but I married
you in spite of your thrilling life style. Don't
get me wrong, I am not unhappy, except when you
complain or whine about my habits, like cleaning
the house, or painting, redecorating the house,
or washing my car, or giving the dog a bath. To
me these are just daily routines. To you, this
is a chore that takes me away from spending time 
with you. I am thinking about getting you a nanny,
so I won't feel so guilty when I am doing my little
jobs around the house. The problem is I'd have to
worry about you turning her into a messy person
and then I'd have two people to clean up after.
Maybe I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and vent
my frustrations through this column. I get more
sympathy that way anyway.

One Hot Puppy

He Said She Said July Showcase 2011

He Said

Let me just say in the beginning that I failed summer camp.
Life outdoors is just not my cup of tea.

Having said that I will now tell you a tale about the
hottest times of my life. I mean this literally.

You asked me to go to your son's graduation which I was
more than happy to do. You know that I am always supportive
of you and your children. What you failed to mention to me
or maybe I just did not comprehend at the moment, was that
this event was to be held OUTDOORS! It also was a complete
weekend of out doors events, like a cookout on Saturday,
and the event ALL DAY Sunday.

You might have mentioned that walking two hundred miles
from the parking garage to the grounds would also be outside,
with no tram or trolley to carry us. You might have
mentioned that the event would last for four hours but I
don't remember it. You might have mentioned that the second
event, which was two hours away, would also have to be ON FOOT.
You could not have known that the temperature would be in
the 150 degree range with no wind....Oh well, I survived.
The following weekend was your son's wedding and what a
beautiful occasion it was. Your wedding rehearsal dinner
was fantastic (also partially OUTSIDE). Everyone had a
great time except one. I'll give you a hint.

Your idea of having everyone gather by the lake for wine
and cheese was well received.

The only one complaining about the 90+ degree weather was me.
The wedding also was beautiful and for some reason I had
forgotten that it too was going to be OUTSIDE.

Now I am not complaining, (much) but that was two
RIDICULOUSLY HOT TIMES for me. I did all of that to
be a part of the family and enjoy all the festivities
and I don't regret it. But the third weekend of going
with you to Smith Mountain Lake with one of our classmates
was the straw that broke the camels back. We rode in our
friends' pontoon in 120 degree weather and you didn't even
notice that I was just a shadow of my former self.
I plan to spend the rest of the summer in air conditioned
comfort and I hope that you can join me. Don't forget
marriage is a give and take proposition and I will give
you anything you want if you'll let me stay indoors the
rest of the summer.

She Said

You always told me that life with you might not always be easy.
So far you have been right. But this time you have taken it to
the extreme. A couple of weekends outside in the heat didn't
kill you or make you sick and I'm becoming immune to your
whining. We can't predict the weather and yes it was
a tad hot but so far out of thousands of people at the
graduation and hundreds of people over the wedding weekend,
you have been the biggest whiner of all. I know you don't
like the warmth and rays of the sun like other normal people,
and if the temperature is over fifty five, you complain.
What I can't understand is why you want to go to the beach
every other weekend, and why you spend time looking on the
internet for deals on beachfront property, and why you are
always talking about buying a place at the beach. Just to
let you in on a little secret, the beach is HOT!. The beach
is always HOT!.

When we went to Smith Mountain Lake to meet our old friend
and go boating, you not only looked at two places to buy,
you also talked to one to the owners, long distant, and
told our friend you were going to the bank that week to see
about financial arrangements. ( Did I miss something or had
the sun taken its toll on you that day?) Did they air condition
the whole lake? If you're planning on buying a place for
the summer, and one of them came with a pontoon boat, I
suspect that you should rethink your idea of staying inside
all summer or think twice about buying a place at the beach or
lake. Both of them are OUTSIDE. You can't float a pontoon in
the house. As usual you are thinking sideways and all I can
say is you are one lucky man to have me guide you in your
illogical thinking. Matter of fact you should be happy that
I am willing to give you directions when you get sidetracked
from your normal pattern of living, especially if you're
serious about the lake or the beach.

You do good to find your way home after work...although
the air conditioner is probably like a siren beckoning you home..

Pet Peeves

He Said
 
Did you ever notice that after you get married your life
changes slowly but surely?  I'm not  whining now like I
always do, I'm just reporting on the day to day changes
that I see. I'm not picking on you and these are not
pet peeves...yet. Life as a married person puts you in
the marriage mode. Everyone knows about it, but not  
many people talk about it for fear of causing hurt
feelings or exploding anger. You know I have described
it many times while we were dating.  Little habits
become annoying and are greatly magnified when you're
with each other 24-7. I won't take the time to list
all of them now because I would run out of paper. But
let's just say that I have noticed them more frequently
since committing to the Holy State of Matrimony.
Maybe we take advantage of each other since we've
captured the prize, the chase is over, and we are
stuck with what we thought we wanted. That may sound
a little harsh, so let me restate it. After getting
married the little things that use to mean so much to
one another, now take a back seat to other endeavors.
So how do we fix this problem? First of all we have
to recognize it as being a problem. Maybe I should
call it a situation so I don't land in the dog house. 
However, situations could escalate if they are not
addressed. How vague is that? For example, having a
TV in the kitchen is one of my pet peeves. When an
interesting story comes on, all I can hear is water
running, pans banging around, rattling paper, the
dog barking, or SOMEONE standing in front of the
screen so I can't see the latest crook being discussed
by the news anchor. Now this wouldn't necessarily
cause the demise of the marriage but could get annoying
if the pattern was followed forever without complaint.
That's where I come in. 
 
She Said
 
Hmmm...marriage mode, did you say? That sounds so
negative. I thought you liked being married. Yes,
things do change when two people make that commitment.
For you, now you have someone to do your laundry,
cook, clean, do yard work, minor household repairs...
do you want me to continue? When my youngest son
left for college, I didn't have to go home after
work and fix dinner, do laundry, housework, stay
on a tight schedule, etc.,to be sure life was running
smoothly. I only had to take care of myself. I could
go for a long walk, go shopping, take in a movie,
chat on the phone, whatever I felt like doing at
the moment. So in that way, life has changed for
me also. I feel responsible for doing all of those
wifey things for you but the difference is that I
don't whine about it. I really don't mind housework,
laundry, cooking, etc., it's just finding enough time
in the day to get it all done without SOMEONE
complaining about how I manage my time. So if
standing in front of the TV while I'm preparing
dinner is your biggest problem, then I think you've
won the lottery...maybe not in dollars but in happiness.
Agree?

Pride or Just Cheap?

He Said

Here is the deal. I have no pride. I don't mow my grass enough.
The inside of my car is a wreck.
I never spend enough time cleaning my house. I never seem to
care about anything ...she says.
One thing about writing this column is that it gives us a chance
to explore the inside and the outside of each others' personality
traits. I know you are a neat freak because I say it  every month.
That's your personality but it isn't mine.  While living in New
York, if I wanted to eat a hot dog for lunch, I just went out on
the street, walked up to the hot dog vendor, bought a hot dog
and ate it right on the street corner. If people saw me it did
not matter to me. I wanted a kosher hot dog for lunch.
I was usually in a three piece suit.
I can't think of many things that I won't do because I'm afraid 
that people might be judging me.
You would say that I don't care or that I don't have any pride.

What is pride? To me, pride is when you try to impress your
friends or uppity people around you who are trying to impress you.
I go into a department store looking for a shirt that DOESN'T
have a trade name sewn on the pocket because I don't need to
impress my friends with a shirt that I bought and overpaid for.
Some people are in the store looking for a designer shirt so they
can pay twice the price to impress their
friends and family. That just isn't me.

I am telling you all of this because I told you on a Sunday that
I wanted to get a hot dog for lunch, and you suggested that I
get a box to go. I guess you didn't want to be seen standing
up eating a hot dog in Sunday dress and heels. You didn't have
to say it, but the inference was clear “I don't care where I eat
but I don't want to be seen eating a hot dog at a hot dog place
on Sunday.”
As I said in the beginning, I must not have very much pride.
Imagine eating a hot dog, in public, where everyone can see.
What is the world coming to?  
I have a plan. Next time I will go to a fancy restaurant, ask
for a to go box, buy my hot dog and put it in the box. Then I
can pretend I am eating food from the "fancy place" when actually
I get to eat what I really want. See, I do have pride. It just works differently from yours.




She Said

I am really surprised that you can even spell the word Pride,
much less define it. It is not so much that you don't have any
pride. We have had to come home from a restaurant because a
speck of spaghetti sauce got on the front of your shirt and
you wouldn't go out in a public place because you were so 
concerned that someone might see that little speck of red.
That's pride; I'm glad you're particular about your appearance. 
As far as the hot dog episode, if the truth is known, I was not
really in the mood for a hot dog that day. With you, it doesn't
matter how much food cost as long as you get what you want.
You don't like burned food (sometimes it's just a little brown,
to me). You like a LOT of ice in your drinks.
You want all of your food to be hot at the same time.
You don't want the table next to you who arrived AFTER you
to be served BEFORE YOU. I can accept all of these personality
quirks as long as you don't make me stand up and eat a hot dog
dressed in church clothes.  
I understand your need to search for hours for a shirt that has
no name on the pocket to prove some kind of point. Maybe that
is reverse pride, so you don't have to be part of the crowd who
wants the best of everything, or maybe you don't understand
that they feel that the quality of a better known shirt will
wear longer.
Whatever the case, I am tired of trying to be your mother all
the time so the next time you want to eat a hot dog for a Sunday
lunch, feel free to do so. But when we drive up to the fancy
restaurant to get your to go box, just let me out and come
pick me up later. 
For me it is not about pride. For me it is eating a hot meal
that will sustain me until dinner, with atmosphere, ambiance
and people surrounding me with taste and charm.

You think you have all of that with your hot dog place.
My taste runs just a tad differently from yours.

I call it pride, you call it fancy or snooty.

Joe Hill - A Special Angel

A Special Angel – Joe Hill
 
For nearly fourteen years Danville and Pittsylvania County
was blessed to be in the presence of a special young man,
Joseph Bradie Hill, known as Joe. He imparted a cheerful
disposition with his perception of how life should be lived.
Joe had a contagious laugh and sense of humor that he shared
with everyone he met. In fact, people were drawn to Joe
because of his laughter and sense of humor. Joe was like a
magnet that could eliminate the doldrums by drawing his
friends into his world of kindness, sincerity, and
caring attitude.
The depth of gratitude shown by this remarkable teenager to
all of the people in his life is immeasurable. How many
thirteen year old children would apologize to their parents
because he had become sick? I don’t know many adults who have
the capacity to exhibit that much compassion to others while
suffering from their own physical affliction, but Joe did.
Joe enjoyed life by playing sports, telling stories and making
everyone around him feel special.
The truth is that he was the special one. Joe was a shining
light for others to follow. He lit up a room when he walked
through the door and I always loved that infectious smile
of his. His many friends are a testament to his loving
personality by writing  such wonderful tributes to a peer
who led by example or brought beauty into their lives with
his attitude. He was always helpful and always putting others
before himself. Joe leaves all of us with memories of a
Special Angel whom God gave to the world for thirteen short
years.
Joe, we thank you for these memories, for the laughter and the joy
you brought to each and every one of us through your kindred spirit.
I’m sure you are sitting at the Masters feet today telling Him of your
stories and antics here on earth and making Him laugh as you made
all of us laugh. Thank you, Joe, for touching our hearts in such a
unique way.
You leave us yearning for more of your friendship, more of your
dedication to bringing joy into other peoples’ lives.
All of us are better human beings because of the influence of one
special angel named Joe Hill.
 
 
Dena Hill and Larry Oldham  -
Larry and I were deeply touched by the
extraordinary life of Joe Hill.
Instead of our regular He Said She Said
column we wanted to share a tribute
to our friend. If you knew Joe, you know
why we are doing this. If you didn’t know Joe,
we wanted to share our feelings and our
deep sense of loss with you.

Kisses and Ice Cream

March 2011 Showcase Magazine

He Said

First of all let me say that “Yes I am happily married”.
Secondly let me say that you and I do not know each other
as well as we thought we did. After coming in third in
our attempt to play the “Newlywed Game” , it is obvious
that life as we know it is not life as we know it.
When I was asked who you most reminded me of and the
choices were Doris Day or Elizabeth Taylor , to me this
was a no brainer. You are classy, beautiful looking, and
have the grace of Elizabeth. Your answer was Doris Day.
I do have to give you credit though. When they ask
me what I thought you would say to the question ,”what
does Larry have too much of”? And you answered “Charisma”,
I thought that was a great answer thank you very much.
Now what I am going to suggest is that we sit down one day
and just go over all the answers that we may be ask if
we ever play the Newlywed Game again. Not that we ever
will mind you, it is just a way to be prepared. Sort of
like the Boy Scouts...always prepared. This should not
take too long as we can go back over the years we have
been writing this column and find most of the answers.
I knew when we started the game that we never agree on
anything so we probably would lose and we did. I think
of us as being winners in so many other ways that it
did not bother me to lose. We did get a gift card to
Stone Cold Creamery and I did get two kisses while we
were playing.
Ice Cream and Kisses....life don't get too much better than this.

She Said

Now I know why I love you so much. I don't want to call
you simple, but when all it takes to satisfy a man is
Ice Cream and Kisses, my role as a wife is going to be
pretty easy. Then reality strikes me and I remember you
are going to come home from work and ask me “what is for
supper”, I am going to have to bring the trash cans from
the front to the back because even though you parked in
the driveway, probably had to get out of your car to
move the trash cans, and still could not remember to
bring them around to the back. I will start to remember
all the times I will have to wash your clothes ,fold them,
put them in your drawers, and hang up fresh towels in the
bathroom for you when you shower. I will have to go to
the grocery store and buy the food, and then tote them
home and put them up in the cabinets. I will have to
wash all the dishes and put them up in the cabinets so
I will have clean dishes in the morning to fix your
breakfast. I will have to vacuum and dust the furniture
so the house is clean when your mother comes to visit.
I will do all of this , plus mow the yard, because I
chose to marry the man of my dreams who I can feed ice
cream to and give an occasional kiss. I would say I
am one of the luckiest girls in the world because you
chose me to do all these things for you.
You better be glad I like kissing and Ice cream.

We Said or Yes Dear?

Showcase Magazine February 2011

He Said

Well it finally happened. After knowing you for 46 years,
dating you for 12 years, being engaged for 10 years , you
finally agreed to marry me and now I can remember our
wedding date because we got married at 9 am on Christmas Eve.
How does that change for the readers? Probably not much
difference because we were always together anyway so our
lives were pretty much entwined. But how has it changed
for me since we got married? Am I allowed to say?. Before,
when I was single, I could just about get away with anything.
Now I have got to answer to someone else. That would be
you in case you are wondering. Since getting married I
have been given a list of things that I cannot write about.
I have been told there are certain limits to just about
any and everything that I do now. I am not saying that
marriage stagnates me, but let's just say I am not the
same man I was last month. I should mention at this point
that it is February , the month of love, so at this
point I should mention that I love my wife very much.
That would be you in case you forgot. I am being very
careful to stay on neutral ground here because I do
not want to get in trouble the in the first writing of
the first column since becoming wedded. (Is that a word?.)
So I hope I am still in your good graces and since the
marriage has lasted about a month and a few days, I
feel like we can stay married forever. I still think we
should call the column the same name but most of my
friends are telling me that we should change it to either
“WE SAID” or “YES DEAR”. What do you think, Honey?


She Said

What do I think? I think that from last month to this
month everything is the same except now we can wear the
rings that we bought ten years ago, that you locked in
your Bank Deposit box ten years ago , that I haven't
seen since ten years ago. We should have gotten married
if for anything, so that I could see my ring. Of course
I probably shouldn't tell the readers that you lost the
key and had to have your box drilled at the bank, costing
you big dollars you said, precluding us from going on a
honeymoon, unless you are counting supper at Sonic Burger.
All right I am just kidding about that part, you did take
me to Martinsville. Getting married to you in a private
ceremony was the only way I could figure to keep you from
cutting up at the wedding, eating too much cake, hugging
every woman in the church, and inviting all your friends
from Atlanta to New York. The time was right, the mood
was right, and honestly I had run out of excuses to give
you.(LOL). Now that we are married I have not given you
any new rules to abide by. I just expect you to follow
the old rules and keep obeying them or you will find
yourself writing this column with your sister.I like the
idea of marriage and you are a good man , who I am sure
with more guidance , you will make a wonderful husband.
I have done a pretty good job thus far of training you
and you are a pretty fast learner, although it normally
doesn't take me ten years to train a man. You offered more
resistance than I expected and a couple of times you
failed your exam. But you made up for it with extra points
in other categories, so I guess I will let you pass.
As you can see by passing the test you were allowed
to marry me. I want you to realize how lucky you are
to have someone that will put up with your lifestyle
(always busy), your habits(don't make me go there),
your stories(if I have to hear about that 1966 Fast
back Mustang one more time I will croak) and your
pickiness about food(a little ice in orange juice
and a lot of ice in soda.
So now I inherit all your picadello's and you just
get little ole plain me who never complains, is always
there for you , and loves to live only for you.
I think we should just name the column “Dena's Folly”,
that way the column can still be all about you.

No New Year Resolutions

He Said She Said January 2011 Showcase Magazine

He Said

January rolls around again and this means that it is
the start of a new year. Normally I would talk
about my New Years resolutions and all the things
that I hope to accomplish this year. But this year
I have decided not to do this. I am resolute in the
fact that last year was too busy. I don't even
remember what I said I was going to do so this year
I am just going to take it easy. My life is too
important for me to work so hard. I need to sit
back and relax and just take it easy this year.
Maybe I'll go on more vacations, read more, spend
more time with my friends and become more active
in fun things. I have just been concentrating this
last year on too many things for other people.
This year I need to concentrate more on me as the
old song goes. I need to make my life more
fulfilled with new ideas that I can do to make me
happy. Don't get me wrong, I want you to be happy
too, but the things that make you happy don't
always make me happy. For instance, you actually
enjoy cleaning the house, and working in the yard
makes your day, while I do not need to get dirty
or tired from hoeing the ground or sweeping the
roof, or whatever turns you on about the outside.
No, this year is going to be a big change for me.
I am going to make sure that I am happy every day,
sort of like you wanting to work outside or clean
inside; I am going to find something that I can
look forward to and get excited about. Right
now I'm excited about you getting me something
to eat and drink.

She Said

It would be redundant for me to try and even find
an answer to your ramblings. That whole contingency
of words didn't sound like anything but the same
old same old for you. You are always relaxing, you
are always reading, you are always talking about
taking trips, you are always talking about getting
together more with your friends. How about letting
me explain to you what I heard so you will understand
how the real world works and why you are so out
in left field. Let me preface this by saying that
I love you and this is only constructive information
for you to peruse and if you can justify my answers
your life will be more fulfilled, if that is what
you're trying to accomplish.
You need to get rid of Rent a Friends and try and
make some real friends of your own. You need to take
a horticulture class to learn the finer ways of
tilling the soil. Put your hands into the dirt,
feel the earth as God intended us to feel it.
You need to stop buying books. For one thing you
are out of room. You will never read all 7000
copies that you now own unless you commit a crime,
serve time and spend your remaining life in a jail cell.
I can give you a list of things that you need to
become more active in and the first would be taking
out the garbage or bringing the cans around when
you see them rolling down the street. You can help
me do the dishes after we eat, or you could even
take a food class and learn how to cook something
for us besides deviled eggs. Yes, with enough time
and space, I could give you a whole new world of
becoming active. But first I have to get you away
from the kitchen table, off the couch, and into
some new habits. Preferably helping me occasionally.

Still looking forward to the New Year? I didn't think so.

Larry and Dena Christmas 2010

 

Our Christmas Wish- He Said and She Said

December 2010 – Larry Oldham and Dena Hill

Christmas comes only one time a year, so we take this
month off from our petty differences and petty whining
to be thankful for all the things that God has truly
blessed us with this year. We both have been in good
health, our children have been successful and happy,
and Sophie, Dena's poodle has been telling her that
she feels pretty good this year also. Seriously though,
we would like to take the time to thank you for all
your emails, calls, text, and comments all through
the year about the columns. People stop us on the
street almost on a daily basis and tell us they
agreed or disagreed with one of us. Most of the time
they disagree with me but that is OK because I am
not the easiest person in the world to live with.
But this December column is not about disagreement.
Today we want to offer you our Christmas Wish list.
First of all we wish that everyone would thank God
for giving us his son and that everyone would think
about the real purpose of celebrating Christmas. We
would wish for world peace and that hunger could be
eliminated all across the land. We would wish for
Cancer to be eliminated around the world and that
scientist could find a cure for all diseases that
affect our lives. We would wish for world peace in
all the families around the world, that people could
live together without conflict and without bickering.
We would wish that everyone love each other through-
out the world everyday, just not at Christmas time.
We would wish that everyone could celebrate their
religion in every part of the world and have the
freedom to live their lives as they so desire. We
would wish that the homeless could find shelter,
that the hungry could find a way to nurture themselves
on a daily basis. We would wish that everyone could
find jobs so that we all could live the American
dream and have provisions for their families. We
would wish that manners would come back into style
and that people would respect one another on an
everyday basis. We would wish that people would
understand that when they are fussing and fighting
with each other they are affecting the mindset of
their children who are taking in every word of their
argument. We would wish that everyone could
find a place in their heart to forgive others and
live by the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you”. And finally we would
wish that the spirit of Christmas could come into our
lives everyday, not just for one day, but throughout
the whole year.

Please continue to follow the column. We hope you know
that we love each other very much and thatwe love all
of you for making He Said She Said possible. Most of
the ideas in our column are experiences that we all
share everyday in our daily lives. We are just able
to write ours down on paper and by doing so, letting
you know that we all as humans have frailties,
differences, and challenges.

As we share this Christmas season our wish would be
that we all remember the reason for the season.
Tell your friends and relatives that you love them,
go to Church and thank God for all that he has given
you this year. Pray for friends that need your prayers.
Have peace in your life throughout this year.

This is our Christmas Wish.

Merry Christmas from Larry Oldham and Dena Hill-

He Said She Said

Getting the Facts Straight

November 2010

He Said

All over the world people are concerned about conserving
energy, going green,saving the trees, conserving water,
and cutting off the lights. But not in her house. She has
lights set up in the dog's room to come on and off by a
timer whether we are there are not. She doesn't want the
pooch wandering around in the dark looking for her favorite
toy, poor thing!. There is a light in the dining room, also
on a timer, that comes on at dusk and turns off sometime in
the middle of the night. There is a light in the foyer, also
on a timer, that comes on at dark and stays on till late at
night. There is a night light in the bathroom, the spare
bathroom I might add, that stays on all night. When she
enters a room she turns on the light. When she enters another
room she turns on the light. None of these lights get turned
off until she is ready to go to bed. When I ask her about
conserving energy, her response is usually something like a
light bulb cost about fifty cents to burn all month. When I
ask her where she gets her information, she says the Internet.
As we all know the Internet is now our main source of knowledge.
We also know that the Internet information highway is strewn with
not only useless information, but also misguided information.
I am not saying that the fifty cents guideline is wrong,
but as my Mother use to say," a penny saved is a penny earned".
I have noticed that since the time we have dated,her children
have learned well from their mother. No light in the house is
ever turned off until bedtime. Her other response is she wants
to have the house look lived in. "If all the lights are out in
the house, the house looks unhealthy" , she says. I guess to me
getting a five hundred dollar light bill every month would make
me and my wallet feel unhealthy.

She Said

I love Thomas Kincaid's paintings and the closest I'm going
to get to a serene setting like that is by leaving a few lights
on here and there. Which is more inviting...a dark, gloomy
house that is an invitation to be broken into or a home glowing
with lights and warmth from a fire in the fireplace and
maybe even soft music playing. Who wants to walk around
in a house stumbling over chairs, bumping into doors, or
tripping over someone's shoes who couldn't quite find a place
for them other than in the middle of the floor? Mr. Scrooge
wants everything turned off as a person leaves the room and
turned on again when they come back. Have you seen the TV
commercial of the man who goes around the house unplugging
lights, coffee maker, toaster, radio, TV, etc., to save
electricity? You wrote that ad didn't you, Mr. Ad Man?
Who is going to crawl behind the sofa, bed, kitchen cabinet,
etc, to plug them back in when they are needed again?
I remember going to my Dad's in Virginia Beach on weekends
from college and when we drove up, all the yard lights
were on as well as the lights inside. What a welcome home!
It just wouldn't have been the same if I drove up to
a dark house. As far as my kids go, if leaving lights
on is something they learned from me then I'll take it
as a compliment that maybe some other things I taught
them are etched in their minds.

The Look of Love

He Said

Men and women have always seen the world though different
eyes. She and I can look at the horizon on the beach and
she sees a beautiful golden sun rising over the deep blue
ocean. I see a sailor’s lament “ RED SKY IN THE MORNING,
SAILORS TAKE WARNING. RED SKY AT NIGHT, SAILOR’S DELIGHT”.
She and I can also listen to the same conversation and
come up with entirely different interpretations. How can
this be? We both hear the same conversation and two minutes
later we are discussing the message from two different
perspectives. The other morning I stopped by her house
for breakfast. I kissed her good morning, we chatted a bit,
and ate breakfast together . I kissed her goodbye and left
for work. Later that night we were eating dinner together
and I ask her if she noticed anything different about me.
She said, “now that you mention it, it does look like you
have lost a few pounds”.
" A few pounds, my foot! I shaved my beard off two days
ago and you haven't even noticed!" I said. Now in case you
have missed the point, she can look at me, kiss me, hug me,
talk to me, sit across from me at the table for a couple of
meals and never really see me. I have had this growth on my
face for years. The moral of this rant is this. Your better
half can look at you and never see you. Or to put it another
way, they may only see the part of you that they want to see.
She could be looking right through me because she doesn’t want
to see me. I can guarantee you one thing. If she ever grows a
beard, Mr. Observant here will be the first to know it, and
believe you me, I will tell her.

She Said

Why is everything always all about you? Did it ever occur to
you that I may have had my mind on other things: like work,
what to wear, is it a bad hair day, or does Sophie need
anything before I leave? I mean important things! You can
shave your beard and it grows back in two days so what have
I missed? Sure, we see things differently. That just means
that I'm right and you're wrong but since I choose my battles,
I just keep quiet most of the time. That's a pretty deep
thought...I look at you and don't really "see" you. When I
look at you, I see a gentle, loving man who cares deeply
about his family, his work, his church, and his friends.
I see someone with a passion for shopping, collecting
"trinkets", listening to music, and joking around with
everyone. I see someone who has a lot of talent in the
field of art but won't develop it. I see a man who hates
exercise but loves to eat and also one who would rather
be inside than outside. I see you as extremely
argumentative when you really don't care about the
opposing side; you just want to ignite controversy.
So if I don't know whether you have bristles on your
face or not from one day to the next, what does it
matter? I do see the real you. I think your face looks
nice albeit with years of expression lines (wrinkles);
but I like the beard too. Maybe you can grow it back
by winter so it'll keep your face warm. By the way...did
you notice that I cleaned the house, cut the grass,
chopped down weeds in the back yard, fixed dinner,
washed and ironed clothes, and did the grocery shopping?
I didn't think so

Hot Diggitty Dog

He Said

My mother always told me that opposites attract.

I guess this means I will marry someone

who is a polar opposite of me. Trying to put

all of this into context with my fiancé, I have

come up with either a great discovery or I'm

barking up the wrong tree.(No pun intended).

She does not like hot dogs. Following my

mother’s logic, this is a good thing. Using common

sense dictates that I have to be awfully

careful in determining how I can possibly marry a

girl who hates hot dogs? I love everything else

about her. She is a gracious, giving, and caring

person but how do you live with someone who hates

Yum Yum hot dogs? If you don’t know this by now,

"Yum Yum Better Ice Cream," the official name of the diner

in Greensboro, has the best hot dogs In the Universe.

They have home made chili, homemade slaw, onions cut up

just right, and some of the best hot dog wieners you

have ever tasted in your life. She won’t eat them.

She refuses to even go in the place because it makes

her smell like a hot dog. I go in there dressed

only in Speedo’s because I WANT to go home smelling

like the best hot dog in the world. That way I can

enjoy it longer. (I might have stretched that

last part by a tad.) I don’t have Speedo’s and if

I did, I would not go out in public, but that's

another column. So I share with you my dilemma.

Do I marry a wholesome, talented, beautiful woman

who hates hot dogs? Am I making too big a deal about

this situation? Do I send her to hot dog culinary

school to learn about the finer taste in life? Do I

just drop the subject all together and continue to

sneak a dog when I can?


She Said

If you ask me this whole column has gone to the dogs.

The trouble with you is that you are so involved with

yourself, that you cannot for the life of you see

what's going on around you. When did I say that I

did not like hot dogs? Charlottesville, Virginia Beach,

Charlotte, Greensboro, Myrtle Beach, and Emporia all

have one thing in common. Can you, in your small

minded world, imagine any common thread, that would bring

all these cities together in two little words?

Question #1 is "which dining establishment is

located in all of these cities?" Question # 2 is

"what do I order in this restaurant every

single time?" Questioni #3 “why do I order this?

Can you say “Five Guys”? I love their hot dogs!!

There! I said it and now we can get married if

that is your only holdup. Your problem seems

to be that you want me to love all hot dogs

the same. I personally cannot see why

anyone would want to eat a red hot dog.

Exactly what is in it? I've heard that all

the left over parts of pigs, chickens, roosters,

cows and turkey is what makes up a red

hot dog, and as much as I love you, I am

not eating pig snouts churned into red hot

dogs. For the record, I guarantee you that

we are opposites. I don’t force myself to

be opposite from you; it just comes naturally.

As a matter of fact, you might inform your mother that

you could marry anyone in the world based on

her opposite premise, because honestly you are

the opposite of everyone on this planet. Maybe

that is why I am so attracted to you.

Now let’s go get a hot dog, honey. Just make

sure it’s a Five Guys hot dog or you may find

yourself barking up someone else's tree.

Painting the Town

He Said She Said – Showcase Magazine August 2010 –



He Said


In July she had a few weeks off and I casually asked

her what we would be doing. This is the time when

families take vacations and spend quality time

together....and we have. She is up on a ladder

painting and I am drinking tea and reading my book.

I don't want you to think this is another woe is me

column because it isn't. She is perfectly happy painting

and I am perfectly happy watching. Before you start

cheering for her and booing for me, let's look at the

whole picture. The only person that I know of who

ever liked her purple living room was she and several

people who came by and lied to her. Who paints

their living room purple? She has told me that she

is out of her purple stage and into her teal stage.

There is a hint of teal in all rooms. All of this is

fine with me and I am not complaining. OK , one little

complaint, or maybe two. One living room, seven trips

to the paint store, one reupholstered couch to

match the new living room color, four hours on the

computer looking up matching materials, two trips

to Greensboro to look at patterns, twelve phone calls

looking for just the right upholsterer to do a good

job, three trips to stores to find the correct matching

pillows, two days of painting, opening up the freezer

door to get ice cream and finding used paint brushes

instead, three hours of moving and removing furniture,

and several hours of sitting in the living room oohing

and ahhing. She came in this week and said “since you

liked it so much better than before, I have decided to

paint one or two of the other rooms this summer.”

I have been on the phone all morning trying to book

a flight to Anywhere, USA.





She Said


Would you like some crackers with that whine?

I agree with some of the things you are saying

but I do not totally agree with the others.

Just to set the story straight, let me give

you my version of what really took place in July.

You had not mentioned the cruise line trip. You

had not mentioned going anywhere on vacation.

You had not offered to take me anywhere special

to dine. You had not even hinted about building

a Florida room. There has been no mention of a

new car, going to New York, going to visit my

girlfriend in Atlanta, or even going to Bubba's

for ice cream. I happen to know that the important

things in your life are eating, reading, working,

and sitting, in that order. A girl needs a little

color in her life. She needs brightness, pizazz,

excitement, change, newness, and I am not talking

about a new boyfriend. You are content to sit and read.

You are content to just drink your tea and tell me

long tales about your adventures(going to Ma Possum's for lunch).

I have chosen to take another route and add spice to

my life. A new paint job to me is like a new book to you.

I know you feel guilty because I cut down all the

shubbery, trimmed back all the trees, planted new

flowers, cut back all the ivy on the wall, and

you didn't get to help.(lol). You did volunteer

to paint, but you would have gotten it on everything

except the walls, complained the whole time about

having to paint, and after we were finished, you

would have told everyone on facebook and in this

column how hard I made you work. It is just not

worth it to hear you whine. So if you will excuse

me, I have got to run over to the paint store

for some more paint. Oh did I happen to mention

how cute the guy was in the paint department?

The Big Bang Theory

He Said She Said July Showcase Magazine 2010

He Said

The month of July to me usually means food at mom's

house, watermelon, homemade ice cream,

hot dogs, the American Flag, and sometimes patriotic

speeches.

To you it only means one thing. The height of your

year means fireworks on the 4th of July....all night

long. You want to leave one display and hit the road

searching for another one. I love you and all that;

I would do anything for you and you must admit I usually do.

As you know, I always go to the fireworks displays, just

to please you. Just so you know...I never enjoy them.

I remember last year I took a book and a flashlight.

What do you get out of it? It is loud. It makes you

craine your neck all night and I keep hearing the same

phrase : "that one is pretty, this one was not a pretty

as the last one, oh, did you see how spectacular that

one was, and oh, I just loved that one." How am I

suppose to read my book with you asking or telling me a

play by play of the fireworks. I personally think fireworks

are too expensive, offer no social redeeming value, and the

noise renders my hearing mute for two days. The people

beside us are talking too loudly, oohing and ahhing all night,

their dog is barking or yelping, their

children are crying, screaming, or asking for something

to drink all night long. I am as patriotic

as the next guy, but this year instead of going to see

the fireworks let's just go bowling. If there is

going to be noise, it might as well be those bowling

pins crashing down where we can at least hear

loud noises while sitting in a air conditioned lounge.

We can wear those patriotic t-shirts you bought us

last year and play country patriotic songs on the jukebox.

I know these words are futile. I know we don't bowl.

I know we will be sitting on a blanket on some

dark hill, craining my neck, shooing away flies, sweat

pouring down my face, my rear end completely

numb, my throat parched, my eardrums busted, and my

head throbbing.

Oh well, when you turn to me and ask " are you having fun?"

I will just smile at you and say," Oh, did you see how

pretty that one was."

　

She Said

You are so full of it! If I had any idea that I've

been dragging you kicking and screeming to fireworks'

displays, I'd have left you at home. You're a people

person and can't wait to mix with a crowd just for

the social aspects. Half of the time you don't even

know there are fireworks going on because I can't

hear them over the sound of your voice talking with

whoever is beside you. For arguments' sake, let's

just say you do know it's July 4th. I really don't

think our forefathers were focused on hot dogs,

ice cream, watermelon, or mosquitos. They had more

important events planned. I'm having a hard time

picturing Abraham Lincoln complaining about no

air conditioning while swatting flies that are

consuming his hot dog! We're talking about a

man who was for the most part self educated by

light from a fireplace. He had several failed

jobs before entering the political arena but

he pursued his dream of making the world a better

place for future generations. So for July 4th,

why not thank our forefathers for leading us to

where we are today instead of whining about a

little noise that comes from a few fireworks.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

The Tail Wagging the Dog

He Said

As everyone knows the dog of the house has been a
bone of contention for some time.
(no pun intended)
I like the dog and the dog likes me. That's not
the problem. The problem is the tail wags
the dog in our house. The dog gets fed first
before the grown ups. The dog gets walked
every day and the dog gets taken outdoors to
do her business whenever she gives a little cough.
Did I happen to mention that the dog has taken two
obedience classes and flunked both of them?
She has diploma's from both schools, but they were
bought with hundreds of dollars because she attended
all classes..
Reminds me of these diploma mills that you see in
the back of magazine’s where you can be proficient
at watering the lawn and get a degree with a few bucks.
The dog is cute and all that but she has no manners, she
still jumps on everyone, urinates on the floor if a
stranger gets too close and still barks for attention.
How can you chase the burgulars away by wetting on them?
Do the burglars leave to change
clothes or because of the rancid odor? Maybe they
just get P.O'd (no pun intended again) and leave? We did
not train her as a watch dog, although she scares
the heck out of many birds and squirrels if they get
in her yard. I did run into the last trainer this
week and told her some of these concerns. I told her
that everything she had been taught in dog school
is gone and she has reverted back to her old ways.
She said why don't you let me have her for 3 weeks
and I'll get her straight. The problem is I don't
think she will go because she has to teach school,
but I do plan on asking her.


She Said

Real Cute! I cannot believe that you have stooped
this low to talk about my Sophie. She is the sweetest
dog in the world and I love her very much. I know
you think she is only a dog, but to me she is almost
like a child of mine. She kisses me, hugs me,
and looks into my eyes like she could eat me up.
Then you go and talk about her like she is a dog.
I will admit that I have been busy lately and haven't
had as much time as I would like to keep up her training.
For the most part she is well behaved, and
you must admit that last week when I took her
to the Vet for a sleepover, she was having a
blast standing up on the counter so she could help
wait on the customers. Didn't you think that
was cute? I HAVE to wait on her because I am the only
mother that she has. I think you are just
envious because I don't take you
for a walk, or pour chicken juice on your
food or buy you bones to chew on. You're
old enough to take care of yourself and your
mother lives close by in Greensboro. I am not
about to be your surrogate mother. Sophie on
the other hand needs me so I give her my attention
as I see fit. You need to get over your jealousy
concerning the dog or maybe you need to go take
obiedience classes for a few weeks. It is not
the tail wagging thedog at all but if I put a
Gentle Leader around your snout, will you shut up?

What's Your Sign?

He Said

In going over some of our past columns and reading
about all of your negative opinions about me,
I decided to do some research into just what
my problems are.. Finding the answer was not
easy. After hours of research, I think I
understand why you find me so different.
The answer is quite simple really, I AM A LIBRA.
Since you don’t believe in Sun Signs in Astrology
you wouldn’t understand what makes me tick.
Here is what I found. “ Libra’s have elegance,
charm, good taste, are naturally kind, very
gentle, and loves harmony ( both music and social living)
and the pleasures that these bring.
Libra’s are sensitive to the needs of others
and have a gift, almost a psychic ability to
understand the emotional needs of their companions.
They do their best to cooperate and
compromise with everyone around them. Even though
Libra’s are diplomatic, they enjoy
seeing things from other people’s point of view.
Libra’s have an outgoing nature and one of
their strengths are in communicating brilliant
ideas to people.They are rarely at a loss for
words… even on their worst day, they have the
gift of gab. Since Libra’s ruling planet is
Venus, which is a soft and gracious planet and
feminine by nature, it gives a
Libran a softer side. Libran’s do have some
negative traits, they are flirtatious, impatient of
routine, easy going to the point of inertia,
but are seldom angry unless cheated or they
become aware of dishonesty in their dealings.
Libra’s are also known as “lazy Libra” and
they dislike coarse dirty work. Most Libra’s are
writers, lawyers, artist, composers, critics,
interior designers and managers of public
entertainment.”
I hope you can appreciate my efforts in
discovering all these facts in my research
so you can
better understand what makes me the man that
I am. I was never really lazy or never tried to
get out of helping in the yard; I was just born a Libra.
　
　
　
　
　
She Said

Doing research to compensate for your “laziness”
or lack of energy to do anything around the
house is almost laughable. Just because you found
out you were a Libra does not excuse
you from taking out the garbage. This newest
lame brain attempt to bypass your
responsibilities as a man is about the lowest
I have ever seen you go. It sounds like being a
Libra is an excusable disease or something. You
are right though when you say I don’t
believe in Astrology or believe that Sun Signs
should guide us on life’s journey. To make you
happy, I am putting my answer in the same vernacular,
I did some research on my own
about Libra’s. I found that “Libran’s do not tolerate
argument from anyone who challenges
their opinions; once they have reached a conclusion,
it’s truth seems to them to be
self-evident, and their faults is an impatience
of criticism and a greed for approval.” That
pretty much sums up my definition of you as a Libra.
Once you have made your point, there
is no need for me or anyone else to disagree with you.
I also found that Libra’s, because
Venus is the planet of love, “seeks love in everything
they do, particularly in relationships."
Finding their soul mate is a big dream, perhaps
even the most significant life mission and
very few Libra’s find the peace and satisfaction
they are looking for until they have connected
with that special person." If Sun Signs determine
who we are, how do you explain the fact
that I'm the easy going one in our relationship and I'm a Scorpio?

How to Please a woman

He Said


April is here and as you know with April comes
the honeydew list. We have talked about this
before and this year will be no different. I
am not going through the litany of every chore
that will need to be done around the house and
throughout the house. Go back to last spring
or the spring before and you'll see what I mean.
I'm trying to think of a new way this year to
get you to think outside the box. What if we
didn't do the same old things like cut the
grass or paint the living room? What if we
did something more exciting with our lives
this year? As a couple we only have a certain
amount of time to share together in our lifetime.
Why not make an exception this year and try
something new? The trick is going to be making
it so attractive that you will buy right into
it without objection. Taking you on a cruise
would be easy, you would fall for that because
it would be fun, but that would only be for one
week, two at the most. This new idea has to be
a whole summer of joy so intense that you would
forget all about the honeydew list and things
that need to be accomplished around the house.
It seems like the goal has to be to get you to
stop thinking about a chore list and start
thinking about ways to make me happy.If you are
spending all of your time satisfying me, you will
have no time left to spend on chores. The problem
is simple. I'll buy you a new house, so there is
nothing to clean or fix up. I will buy you a new
car so you will want to drive everywhere on vacation
(shopping!) I will buy you all new furniture and
appliances so you don't have to worry about repairs.
I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe so you don't have
to worry about clothes. On second thought I don't
think you would be dumb enough to fall for this.
You would see right through me. The good news is:
I just saved a ton of money!


She Said


It's ironic how similar our life's goals were when
we started dating twelve years ago. We talked about
sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and
growing old together. Three of our five children
were nearly grown and the other two were well
on their way. But as the years passed by all too
quickly, plans evolved in different directions.
You want to retire (someday) in Myrtle Beach
and I don't. The oceans' rushing waves remind
me that life is rushing by also and I picture
myself relaxing by a lazy river setting instead.
I plan on working as long as I can because too
many of our friends have passed away shortly after
retiring. I'll always have a project going on
because I don't stay idle very well. I like seeing
the fruits of my labor which is why I don't
mind housework, painting, cooking, etc. You have
an extraordinary talent as an artist and you
choose to waste it instead of drawing, painting,
etc. Wouldn't it be nice to have your work
hanging on the walls rather than art done by
someone we've never heard of? So I'll make a
promise to you that I won't ask you to do one
thing around the house this spring if you'll
make a promise to me...spend some time this
summer sitting at your easel and painting
so I can hang it up ...after I get the living
room redecorated.

Keeping it Real

She Said

By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter
should be behind us. Do you remember when we first
started dating, you told me that on weekends, your
ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up
because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well,
there are several inches of snow and ice on the
ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however,
I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately
because your hair looks like you were pardoned
thirty seconds after the switch was pulled!
Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush?

Seems like I remember another facebook entry
from you stating that "there wouldn't be as
many divorces if you tried as hard to keep
your partner as you did to get her". We all
fall into that marriage mode after a few years
and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly,
at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite
appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when
I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice
to come in, shower and relax, skipping
hairstyling and make-up. I know the way
I look doesn't change the way you feel about
me and vice versa.

Don't worry though, I won't take advantage
of your good nature by going to WalMart in
hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina
where the female population actually goes
shopping on Saturday morning with rollers
the size of orange juice cans. We can vow
to keep each other in check better than that.

He Said

Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer
this month , but I will give it the old
proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today ,
I just threw on a toboggan and hurried over to
your house before the snow got too deep, so we
could spend the whole day together( I see you
over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and
washing my hair and coming to your house is
the only thing keeping us together , let's
stock up on plenty of Prell shampoo or whatever
brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I
was probably talking about romance, flowers,
cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep
their woman happy. I know that when you are
not planning on leaving the house your M.O.
is to maybe wash your hair and let it dry
naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.

I understand that and to me that would seem to
say I know you love me no matter what I look
like , so I will just go with my natural look..
however, when I go out, I want to look my best,
dressed to the t, so I can know that the world
will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best
for them.

Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at
your best. Maybe I want to see you looking
extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you
want me to go to any store with you in hairculers
is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul,
rent a truck, and move you to that little old
town in North Carolina where all the women shop
with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that
day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.

So next time I come over, my hair will be clean,
my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean,
and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.

You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?

What is True Love ?

He Said


You might remember in the December issue we talked

about Christmas and what Christmas means to both of us.

My main concern was that there were not enough color

lights in my world at this time of the year. Since

she always decorates with white lights every year,

I had sort of lost touch with the excitement of

Christmas trees being decorated with color lights.

How exactly does all of this relate to true love?

Let me share a story with you and then you can

judge whether this is the definite definition of

true love. Right after we finished the column for

December I left to go to a meeting. This was at night.

Now I had complained fairly strongly, as I am apt

to do sometimes, about the white lights vs colored

lights problem. When I arrived back at her house

later that night, she had put up another Christmas

tree and decorated it with colored lights and all

of the trimmings just for me. (She already had a

7 foot tree decorated with white lights in the living room).

This is what I call going the extra mile, without a

hint to me, without me asking or badgering her into

doing it. She did this to please me. She did this

because she loves me and wanted to make me happy.

This is one way to prove to someone how much you

love them. To her I say, Happy Valentine's Day and I love you.


She Said


Now you know why I put up with him. Wasn't that just

the sweetest thing for him to do?

( Expressing his love to me publicly in our column).

He could have just as easily complained about the

gifts that I gave him for Christmas. (One of which

was a GPS with a female voice for those who are keeping score).

I wanted to see if there was another female voice

he would listen to besides his mothers') I laughed

all the way to the cashier just thinking about the

double entendre: Larry following driving directions

while listening to a female voice! As far as the

extra tree goes, I had an extra one with plenty of

decorations so why not use it instead of letting it

collect dust in the basement. It sure beat listening

to him whine about not having colored lights.

Seriously, I did want to please him. I wanted to

surprise him. It certainly did those things

and he was exceedingly glad. It was a nice touch

to the house and made me realize that he needs

or wants certain things in his life, that maybe

I would not choose, but makes him happy. As all

couples know when both of you are happy life is

so much easier. Of course this doesn't mean he

will help more around the house, that he will

help take down the tree, wash more dishes, or

even cut the yard this spring. However, for the

month of December all was bliss, we got to see

all our children, we ate more than we ever needed,

we saw both of our parents, went to Virginia Beach

and Myrtle Beach,and had two trees that we both

enjoyed. To us, that's what relationships and

holidays are all about. I still need a dryer,

but he is not pushing the pre-nup as much;

and he got color lights on a Christmas

tree this year. Life is good.

Past, Present, Future

He Said,

Another year is behind us and I for one feel pretty
darn lucky. I only gained about five pounds over
last year, I am another year older, and that is good
because I find myself above ground and still aggravating
you. But we are still engaged and our admiration for
each other grows deeper everyday (Okay, my admiration
grows deeper and yours stays about the same) but I'll
take what I can get.

When I think about the past 45 years, our high school
days come to mind. I think about all the times you
wouldn't go out with me but then again, I never asked
you. I was too intimidated by your charm and grace.
I had heard of those words back then but probably couldn't
even spell them. However here we are in the present,
and having the time of our lives making fun of
each other as we grow older, grayer, and heavier.
How can anyone top that for a happy life? Maybe we
should have our own TV show so everyone could join
in the fun. I would have a whole new audience to tell
my "good old days" stories to since you already know them.
Now about the future: I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR THOSE
AFTER CHRISTMAS SALES!!! You want something mundane
like a new dryer. Why not take my dryer and we could
sign a pre-nup in case you decide to look for another
man. Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about
a shopping trip.It's not that I need anything; it's
the thrill of the chase, kind of like chasing you all
of these years! Since I already have a model car
collection, an expansive book collection, and music
collection, I was thinking I could start collecting
something new. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe we
could explore antique stores looking for artifacts
from the 1800's. Wouldn't that make an interesting
display? Let's talk about it over dinner tonight.

She Said

I guarantee you that we'll talk over dinner tonight
but it won't be about relics from the 1800's. I already
have one big relic.I'm not interested in collecting
anything that takes up more room. If I can't eat it,
wear it, or ride it, I don't want it. Are you crazy???
A pre-nup for a used dryer? Who do you think you are,
Tiger Woods? We don't need a pre-nup for a ten year
old dryer! Now if you have hidden assets that I should
know about that might constitute a pre-nup, I am all ears.
Right now I am marrying you in spite of all your problems,
not because I feel sorry for you, but because you
make me laugh sometimes, you feed me well, you take me to
events like a movie matinee, free concert, etc. and you
are generally a nice guy who doesn'tt drink, smoke, or
carouse with the opposite sex. We do have a history and we
have had a great life so far together. You have never been
that great at marriage, but then you have never been married
to me. So far I think I have done a pretty good job of
training you or at least getting us on the same track.
I don't think men in general are trainable per se, but
we women do the best that we can with what we have. I
understand that you are not an outdoor person, a yard
person, or a working person, so I just accept that as
part of the package. If you're planning a TV show for
us, you're probably going to have to get a surrogate
She Said. I just don't think I have anymore hours to
give to you for such trivial mess as boosting your ego
with some kind of “it's all about you TV show”. If you
like you can put that in your pre-nup and hope that
your future includes me, and a NEW dryer.

What Christmas means to me...you light up my life?

He Said


Christmas only comes once a year and as I look at

my calendar I notice that we are here. I love

Christmas. I love the sounds, the music, the

crisp air around us, the joy of giving, etcetera.

Now let me tell you the things that I dread the most:

too many people getting in my way in the stores

and on the roads.

I am a Christmas eve shopper and one thing that I

don't need is a bunch of last minute shoppers

getting in my way. Also, what is the deal with

everyone telling me what to get them? I should be

able to get them whatever I think they deserve.

Another thing I hate is that I have been seeing Christmas

decorations up in the stores since August. I

couldn't enjoy Halloween this year because of all

the Christmas carols being played throughout the stores.

Christmas cards were on sale at the dollar

store before I had even made out my Christmas

card list. For my friends out there thinking, that's funny,

I didn't receive a card from him last year, don't worry,

I didn't send any. I am just saying that if I was

going to send them, all those early card displays

would turn me off. I hate to get into a big deal about

this because I know what she will say but, we have

been a couple for 10 or 11 years now so here goes.

Every year, and I do mean every year, she puts white

lights on her tree, and white lights on her

door , and white lights on her mantle wreathe.

There are even white lights up and down her sidewalk so

it looks like an airport runway. I haven't said much

about it, but Christmas is not going to ever be Christmas

for me until I see some lights that are colorful. Red,

yellow, blue, orange, and green, colors is what Christmas

is really all about.

I need bright lights and colors. Don't get me wrong ,

I do believe in the Christian part of Christmas and

I do know the true meaning of Christmas; it's just

that all this other stuff takes away from my Christmas

spirit. I don't want to be bah humbug; however, I

am starting to feel like the spirit of Christmas past

and that is not right. I need prettier and more

colorful Christmas tree lights in my life.



She Said


I think colorful Christmas tree lights is the least

of your worries. I have already bought most of my

Christmas presents this year, including your present.

I have given you many hints throughout the year

about what I want Santa to bring me. With all of your

fussing and whining about why Christmas isn't fair to you,

I'm not sure you're listening to me. Maybe I should get

a GPS for you just to see if that is one female voice you

will listen to and follow directions precisely. Why not buy your

presents early when there is a better selection instead

of those loved ones on your Christmas list having

to settle for leftovers on Christmas Eve? That, alone,

is reason to avoid the last minute rush. Besides, if

your children and I don't give you a list, there's no

telling what we would get, given your eclectic taste.

I don't need an electric scarf that plays Christmas

carols and your children don't need a tie with

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer with a blinking red nose.

As far as you not enjoying Halloween, you loved every

minute of driving the cart through Target

buying candy that was reduced. I didn't hear you

humming Christmas carols then; you were a man on a

mission. And Christmas cards.....I can guarantee you

that your friends will not receive a card from you

until the price of stamps goes down. Now lets talk

about white lights on MY tree, in MY house. Until

you walk me down the aisle and start paying MY electric

bills and buying MY tree decorations, you

can keep riding around town looking at other peoples'

yard decorations in color. I like MY white lights.

You said the colored lights are what you were used

to growing up...have you noticed that your mother

has all white lights this year? If you're the voice

of Christmas past, this is the voice of Christmas future,

if you know what I mean. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Reeding, riting, arrittmet.......Math

He Said She Said Showcase November 2009

He Said

Here is the problem with dating a school teacher.

(Is here a proper noun?). I don't care what you

do or what you say, most of the time it is wrong.

(Is wrong an adverb or a noun?) She comes to me

and says I am calling that company that advertises

Suits on TV because they are using the wrong

verb,tense,adverb, or something on television.

This makes it more difficult to teach the children

in school when they are seeing it wrong on television.

(I don't think you should have used more in front

of difficult). The most frequent one is the usage of

“that” and “who”. One is for a person description

and the other is for a thing description.(or something

like that..or who). If this happened once or

twice I could understand. But this is almost daily.

I have purchased four dictionary's and two large

Thesaurus's(or Thesauruses,or Thesauruss') and a

minithesaurus to carry in my glove box so that I

will know when or how to use the correct word.

(or is it wording?) Please don't get me started on

the dangling participle(is that the correct spelling?)

because even though is has been explained to me

over and over I am still letting it hang. The number

of times that I have ended a sentence with a

preposition number into the thousands and I have

just got to learn how not to end a sentence with to.

(or some other form of a prep.) When I went to the

INTERNET and found that some of our old grammar

was forgotten and now readily accepted(like that and who)

she started going to other teachers to make

her case. I will just have to keep trying to do

my best to speak the King's language like I was taught,

and please do not remind her about math. I don't

have time to get into all that. Let's just hope that

the current stays on in the retail stores, in case

one of the clerks has to make change.



She Said

When we were in high school the teacher ask me if I

would help tutor you in English so that you

could get your F up to a D minus. I did help you,

you did pass the English exam, and here it is almost

fifty years later and I am still having to tutor you.

Does this job ever end ? Don't get me wrong. I only

want to make you sound better in public when you are

making up words, using the wrong pronoun or

noun, using the wrong verb tense, slaughtering the

English language, and embarrassing me at every

event. Don't you want to be known as the person

with a strong vocabulary? The eloquent speaker

admired by your so called Posse”( I hate that term).

No, in reality, you probably do not care either

way. You just enjoy hearing the sound of your voice,

the knowledge that no matter what you say you

are always right, and that other people are standing

in line to hear what words of wisdom are going

to be coming forth from your mouth. After all these

years I should just give up and let you continue

to make a fool of yourself. However, as a teacher

it is my job to make sure that all that I teach learn

the fundamentals of grammar, spelling, verb tenses,

and yes, sometimes even math. Do I always

succeed ? I would say that you are a shining example of that answer.

Birthday Challenges

He Said

October is birthday month for both of us.. She usually gives me
subtle hints like “ That blue dress at Kohl's is nice.”, or
“Oh dear, my perfume is almost empty”. This year she just came
up to me and said I know what we should give each other for
our birthday's. Uh oh, I smell trouble coming. Being the
gentleman that I am, I politely ask her, “ What did you have
in mind, honey?” “How about we give each other a gift that we
both can enjoy this year and every year”. I am thinking a
new car, a La-Z-Boy recliner, or a years supply of ice cream.
The good stuff that we could enjoy together. “I think we
should give each other passports for our birthday”, she said.
Trouble! I'm thinking of spending $25 maybe $50 at the most.
“How much are they?” I ask. “Somewhere around one hundred dollars”
she said. I'm thinking that I can't eat them and they are
going to cost me way more than a hundred bucks with a trip out
of the country. Is this possibly a Christmas present hint?
” Wouldn't we be suspected of being terrorist's if we applied
for a passport?” I ask. “No, not if we just went to Canada
(or Paris or Italy), she said under her breath”. Oh that's
right, I just remembered, they don't have terrorist's in
these country's, just in the United States. You'll be reading
in the future, THE ADVENTURES OF COUNTRY COMES TO TOWN when
the beautiful SHE adorns his side in all the European papers.
What happened to a pair of slippers or a new neck tie for our
birthday gifts? ME in Paris???? France would never be the
same and they would more than likely confiscate the passport
and then another birthday gift would have been wasted.


She Said

Honestly, I try and add a little pizazz to our lives, think
outside of the box, change our hum drum lives, and like good
Presbyterians, his first reaction is CHANGE? We went to Canada
a few years ago and didn't need a Passport. Today a passport is
necessary to get back into the United States from just about
any country. We might not need passports, but just in case we do,
I thought it would be a great gift idea since most gifts I've
given you are still in the boxes. This would be a pragmatic gift,
something that we can share together, AND maybe take a trip in
the future (when we get a good deal of course). Passports take
about six weeks or more to arrive and I just thought that we
should apply now and have them in case we want to go abroad.
He sure knows how to ruin a girl's idea of fun. I already have
slippers ( probably 3 or more pairs from past birthday's)
so I don't need more slippers. He doesn't wear ties except to
church and he has a blue million in his closet. As far as he
or I being suspected of being a terrorist's, they would more
than likely suspect my standard poodle, Sophie, before they
would suspect us. Sophie has a ferocious bark, is larger than
a normal poodle, and has sharp looking teeth. No, I think he
just wants to get out of spending the hundred dollars because
he is cheap and is afraid he will have no excuse to leave
the country if he has a passport. Good thing we don't need
a passport to get into Myrtle Beach or we would have had
one years ago. Happy Birthday to my favorite terrorist. (lol).

Why did God invent TV ?

He Said

I remember when the television first came out in the
fifties for me. Black and White and only one or
two stations and you got your reception using an TV
antenna , or rabbit ears. I enjoyed my fair share
of TV in the fifties, Howdy Doody Time, Old Rebel Show,
Superman, Amos and Andy, Gunsmoke, and who could forget
The Mouseketeers, especially Annette. As I have grown
older , TV has either gotten worse, or I have grown up.
I do not need TV. TV certainly does not need me. In my
house the TV never comes on unless we have a war, a
catastrophe, or some important person gets married
besides me. (Princess Diana). Now I try to understand
the function of the TV, besides the excuse that it keeps
someone company. I mean you can get a dog to keep you
company and have more fun doing it.
She has five TV's and one day I am going to walk into
her house and sitting right in the bathroom will
be Matt Lauer staring back at me while I am sitting
on the throne. I mean give me a break. Her children
gave her a TV for the kitchen for Christmas.
(Good job kids),however, the kitchen was the only room
in the house where I could come over for breakfast
and we could share some time together talking just
the two of us. Now , of course, we listen with baited
breath about the next excursion that Matt is going
to take and is Meredith going with him. I mean really.
When is a man expected to get quality time with his girl.
It almost makes me want to get a dog. Not really.
Her dog is enough and that is a whole different story.


She Said

Here we go again. You are on your TV kick again.
About every two years he starts yapping about how
bad TV is, or the people who watch TV are somehow
inferior to him, or he is superior to everyone that
watches television. He has his moments. Some days
I walk in from being out and he is busy watching
Cops or Tru TV or that insane or inane Nancy Grace.
I agree with him wholeheartedly that he is not
a TV person. I will attest to the fact that he has
never watched American Idol. Should I give up TV for
him? Is he that important that I should give up the
Young and Restless? Do I want to miss Two and a
half men because he gets lonely easily? Love is
grand and all that but come on, give up Matt in
the morning? I should think not. Matt closes his
mouth when he chews, Matt does not talk back,
and Matt and I get along beautifully in the morning.
If Dr. McDreamy had a show I would buy two more TV's
for the rest of the house and maybe have TV put in
my car. Sophie, my poodle , has her own television
so she can watch Caesar............ to learn how to
behave better. Maybe there is a TV show that I can find
where he can learn to adapt better, learn to control
his needs and the judgment of others, and learn to
respect other peoples indulgences. Does anyone have
Dr. Phil's number? I think I need an intervention.