Hot Diggitty Dog

He Said

My mother always told me that opposites attract.

I guess this means I will marry someone

who is a polar opposite of me. Trying to put

all of this into context with my fiancé, I have

come up with either a great discovery or I'm

barking up the wrong tree.(No pun intended).

She does not like hot dogs. Following my

mother’s logic, this is a good thing. Using common

sense dictates that I have to be awfully

careful in determining how I can possibly marry a

girl who hates hot dogs? I love everything else

about her. She is a gracious, giving, and caring

person but how do you live with someone who hates

Yum Yum hot dogs? If you don’t know this by now,

"Yum Yum Better Ice Cream," the official name of the diner

in Greensboro, has the best hot dogs In the Universe.

They have home made chili, homemade slaw, onions cut up

just right, and some of the best hot dog wieners you

have ever tasted in your life. She won’t eat them.

She refuses to even go in the place because it makes

her smell like a hot dog. I go in there dressed

only in Speedo’s because I WANT to go home smelling

like the best hot dog in the world. That way I can

enjoy it longer. (I might have stretched that

last part by a tad.) I don’t have Speedo’s and if

I did, I would not go out in public, but that's

another column. So I share with you my dilemma.

Do I marry a wholesome, talented, beautiful woman

who hates hot dogs? Am I making too big a deal about

this situation? Do I send her to hot dog culinary

school to learn about the finer taste in life? Do I

just drop the subject all together and continue to

sneak a dog when I can?


She Said

If you ask me this whole column has gone to the dogs.

The trouble with you is that you are so involved with

yourself, that you cannot for the life of you see

what's going on around you. When did I say that I

did not like hot dogs? Charlottesville, Virginia Beach,

Charlotte, Greensboro, Myrtle Beach, and Emporia all

have one thing in common. Can you, in your small

minded world, imagine any common thread, that would bring

all these cities together in two little words?

Question #1 is "which dining establishment is

located in all of these cities?" Question # 2 is

"what do I order in this restaurant every

single time?" Questioni #3 “why do I order this?

Can you say “Five Guys”? I love their hot dogs!!

There! I said it and now we can get married if

that is your only holdup. Your problem seems

to be that you want me to love all hot dogs

the same. I personally cannot see why

anyone would want to eat a red hot dog.

Exactly what is in it? I've heard that all

the left over parts of pigs, chickens, roosters,

cows and turkey is what makes up a red

hot dog, and as much as I love you, I am

not eating pig snouts churned into red hot

dogs. For the record, I guarantee you that

we are opposites. I don’t force myself to

be opposite from you; it just comes naturally.

As a matter of fact, you might inform your mother that

you could marry anyone in the world based on

her opposite premise, because honestly you are

the opposite of everyone on this planet. Maybe

that is why I am so attracted to you.

Now let’s go get a hot dog, honey. Just make

sure it’s a Five Guys hot dog or you may find

yourself barking up someone else's tree.