Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hot Diggitty Dog

He Said

My mother always told me that opposites attract.

I guess this means I will marry someone

who is a polar opposite of me. Trying to put

all of this into context with my fiancé, I have

come up with either a great discovery or I'm

barking up the wrong tree.(No pun intended).

She does not like hot dogs. Following my

mother’s logic, this is a good thing. Using common

sense dictates that I have to be awfully

careful in determining how I can possibly marry a

girl who hates hot dogs? I love everything else

about her. She is a gracious, giving, and caring

person but how do you live with someone who hates

Yum Yum hot dogs? If you don’t know this by now,

"Yum Yum Better Ice Cream," the official name of the diner

in Greensboro, has the best hot dogs In the Universe.

They have home made chili, homemade slaw, onions cut up

just right, and some of the best hot dog wieners you

have ever tasted in your life. She won’t eat them.

She refuses to even go in the place because it makes

her smell like a hot dog. I go in there dressed

only in Speedo’s because I WANT to go home smelling

like the best hot dog in the world. That way I can

enjoy it longer. (I might have stretched that

last part by a tad.) I don’t have Speedo’s and if

I did, I would not go out in public, but that's

another column. So I share with you my dilemma.

Do I marry a wholesome, talented, beautiful woman

who hates hot dogs? Am I making too big a deal about

this situation? Do I send her to hot dog culinary

school to learn about the finer taste in life? Do I

just drop the subject all together and continue to

sneak a dog when I can?

She Said

If you ask me this whole column has gone to the dogs.

The trouble with you is that you are so involved with

yourself, that you cannot for the life of you see

what's going on around you. When did I say that I

did not like hot dogs? Charlottesville, Virginia Beach,

Charlotte, Greensboro, Myrtle Beach, and Emporia all

have one thing in common. Can you, in your small

minded world, imagine any common thread, that would bring

all these cities together in two little words?

Question #1 is "which dining establishment is

located in all of these cities?" Question # 2 is

"what do I order in this restaurant every

single time?" Questioni #3 “why do I order this?

Can you say “Five Guys”? I love their hot dogs!!

There! I said it and now we can get married if

that is your only holdup. Your problem seems

to be that you want me to love all hot dogs

the same. I personally cannot see why

anyone would want to eat a red hot dog.

Exactly what is in it? I've heard that all

the left over parts of pigs, chickens, roosters,

cows and turkey is what makes up a red

hot dog, and as much as I love you, I am

not eating pig snouts churned into red hot

dogs. For the record, I guarantee you that

we are opposites. I don’t force myself to

be opposite from you; it just comes naturally.

As a matter of fact, you might inform your mother that

you could marry anyone in the world based on

her opposite premise, because honestly you are

the opposite of everyone on this planet. Maybe

that is why I am so attracted to you.

Now let’s go get a hot dog, honey. Just make

sure it’s a Five Guys hot dog or you may find

yourself barking up someone else's tree.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Painting the Town

He Said She Said – Showcase Magazine August 2010 –

He Said

In July she had a few weeks off and I casually asked

her what we would be doing. This is the time when

families take vacations and spend quality time

together....and we have. She is up on a ladder

painting and I am drinking tea and reading my book.

I don't want you to think this is another woe is me

column because it isn't. She is perfectly happy painting

and I am perfectly happy watching. Before you start

cheering for her and booing for me, let's look at the

whole picture. The only person that I know of who

ever liked her purple living room was she and several

people who came by and lied to her. Who paints

their living room purple? She has told me that she

is out of her purple stage and into her teal stage.

There is a hint of teal in all rooms. All of this is

fine with me and I am not complaining. OK , one little

complaint, or maybe two. One living room, seven trips

to the paint store, one reupholstered couch to

match the new living room color, four hours on the

computer looking up matching materials, two trips

to Greensboro to look at patterns, twelve phone calls

looking for just the right upholsterer to do a good

job, three trips to stores to find the correct matching

pillows, two days of painting, opening up the freezer

door to get ice cream and finding used paint brushes

instead, three hours of moving and removing furniture,

and several hours of sitting in the living room oohing

and ahhing. She came in this week and said “since you

liked it so much better than before, I have decided to

paint one or two of the other rooms this summer.”

I have been on the phone all morning trying to book

a flight to Anywhere, USA.

She Said

Would you like some crackers with that whine?

I agree with some of the things you are saying

but I do not totally agree with the others.

Just to set the story straight, let me give

you my version of what really took place in July.

You had not mentioned the cruise line trip. You

had not mentioned going anywhere on vacation.

You had not offered to take me anywhere special

to dine. You had not even hinted about building

a Florida room. There has been no mention of a

new car, going to New York, going to visit my

girlfriend in Atlanta, or even going to Bubba's

for ice cream. I happen to know that the important

things in your life are eating, reading, working,

and sitting, in that order. A girl needs a little

color in her life. She needs brightness, pizazz,

excitement, change, newness, and I am not talking

about a new boyfriend. You are content to sit and read.

You are content to just drink your tea and tell me

long tales about your adventures(going to Ma Possum's for lunch).

I have chosen to take another route and add spice to

my life. A new paint job to me is like a new book to you.

I know you feel guilty because I cut down all the

shubbery, trimmed back all the trees, planted new

flowers, cut back all the ivy on the wall, and

you didn't get to help.(lol). You did volunteer

to paint, but you would have gotten it on everything

except the walls, complained the whole time about

having to paint, and after we were finished, you

would have told everyone on facebook and in this

column how hard I made you work. It is just not

worth it to hear you whine. So if you will excuse

me, I have got to run over to the paint store

for some more paint. Oh did I happen to mention

how cute the guy was in the paint department?

The Big Bang Theory

He Said She Said July Showcase Magazine 2010

He Said

The month of July to me usually means food at mom's

house, watermelon, homemade ice cream,

hot dogs, the American Flag, and sometimes patriotic


To you it only means one thing. The height of your

year means fireworks on the 4th of July....all night

long. You want to leave one display and hit the road

searching for another one. I love you and all that;

I would do anything for you and you must admit I usually do.

As you know, I always go to the fireworks displays, just

to please you. Just so you know...I never enjoy them.

I remember last year I took a book and a flashlight.

What do you get out of it? It is loud. It makes you

craine your neck all night and I keep hearing the same

phrase : "that one is pretty, this one was not a pretty

as the last one, oh, did you see how spectacular that

one was, and oh, I just loved that one." How am I

suppose to read my book with you asking or telling me a

play by play of the fireworks. I personally think fireworks

are too expensive, offer no social redeeming value, and the

noise renders my hearing mute for two days. The people

beside us are talking too loudly, oohing and ahhing all night,

their dog is barking or yelping, their

children are crying, screaming, or asking for something

to drink all night long. I am as patriotic

as the next guy, but this year instead of going to see

the fireworks let's just go bowling. If there is

going to be noise, it might as well be those bowling

pins crashing down where we can at least hear

loud noises while sitting in a air conditioned lounge.

We can wear those patriotic t-shirts you bought us

last year and play country patriotic songs on the jukebox.

I know these words are futile. I know we don't bowl.

I know we will be sitting on a blanket on some

dark hill, craining my neck, shooing away flies, sweat

pouring down my face, my rear end completely

numb, my throat parched, my eardrums busted, and my

head throbbing.

Oh well, when you turn to me and ask " are you having fun?"

I will just smile at you and say," Oh, did you see how

pretty that one was."


She Said

You are so full of it! If I had any idea that I've

been dragging you kicking and screeming to fireworks'

displays, I'd have left you at home. You're a people

person and can't wait to mix with a crowd just for

the social aspects. Half of the time you don't even

know there are fireworks going on because I can't

hear them over the sound of your voice talking with

whoever is beside you. For arguments' sake, let's

just say you do know it's July 4th. I really don't

think our forefathers were focused on hot dogs,

ice cream, watermelon, or mosquitos. They had more

important events planned. I'm having a hard time

picturing Abraham Lincoln complaining about no

air conditioning while swatting flies that are

consuming his hot dog! We're talking about a

man who was for the most part self educated by

light from a fireplace. He had several failed

jobs before entering the political arena but

he pursued his dream of making the world a better

place for future generations. So for July 4th,

why not thank our forefathers for leading us to

where we are today instead of whining about a

little noise that comes from a few fireworks.

You should be ashamed of yourself!