Noisy Marriage - December 2011

He Said




Naysayers have been exhorting “How is your first year of marriage?” Tongue in cheek, of course, when what they really want to ask is “Are you still married?” Now, I’m not too sure about the reason for this question except that sometimes I do get a little explicit with information about our relationship. As I have told some people, “Yes, we are still married” and “No, she is not trying to have it annulled...yet.” When they ask me how it has been I always tell them it is wonderful. We should have gotten married long ago. They laugh; I laugh and all is well. However, when I start thinking about it,

there are a couple of small details that could probably be worked on if I’m totally honest. After all, I think that communication is the secret to all successful relationships so I will try to communicate a few minor infractions without upsetting you. Just remember these are all positive suggestions not quirks about you per se and it will only make our marriage stronger!

Your alarm clatters at 4:45 AM and it awakens me before it even begins to arouse you. You get dressed, walk the dog, take her downstairs and get on that infernal elliptical machine with the morning news blaring. I DON’T CARE WHO DID WHAT TO WHOM AT 4:45 AM! Then you come upstairs and take a shower. I guess it’s soap or whatever you drop but it sounds like an earthquake behind the curtain or maybe you’ve slipped and fallen down in the tub. Could you do it a little quieter? When you finally turn the water off, it’s time for the loudest hairdryer ever manufactured. And those curlers must be made of steel because when you drop one in the sink, it vibrates the whole vanity. Now it’s time for your makeup and I bet you open and close the drawer two dozen times before you’re finished. I promise you, you’re not that homely so what are you trying to cover up? As if that isn’t enough, when you drop something on the floor, you groan when you bend over to pick it up; I’ve heard Sophie howl with less noise.

At the risk of suffering your wrath, could you please pacify me by going in another room to get ready so I can have my beauty sleep?







She Said



Oh, I can go in another room all right. In fact, I tried to do just that over the summer and you said “No, it’s too much trouble to move everything”. It’s just like you to negate one of my suggestions just so you can whine about it. Communication must be some new revelation if you’ve practiced it in the past because you’ve had too many failed relationships for it to work. Let’s take this little by little. First of all, I have to get up at 4:45 if I am to accomplish my daily routine and get to school on time. You could get up at the same time, go downstairs with me, and use the Bowflex while I’m on the elliptical. You could use some toning, you know. Then we could both get ready for work at the same time, eat breakfast (guess who cooks every morning?) and hustle off to work with more energy than you can imagine. About my hairdryer…I’ve tried closing the door and it feels like a steam room so my make up starts dripping. I’ll save the response for what I’m trying to cover up for later.

Just a side note…do you remember when I surprised you last year by putting up a Christmas tree in the bedroom with colored lights just for you? Don’t hold your breath this year and I can promise you

the sound of Christmas carols will not be heard in the bedroom this December.





Merry Christmas everyone from Larry and Dena.