Diet's..His and Hers

He Said She Said      Showcase Magazine. September 2011
 
He Said
 
Every time we have a big event in our future, the old
proverbial diet raises it's ugly head. Last month
while having a casual breakfast of eggs, pancakes,
sausage, bacon, toast, and orange juice,  you looked
over at me while (I had a mouth full of toast and jelly,)
and dropped the good news....you are going on a diet,
AGAIN. We go through this quite often during the year and
you would think that I would learn to just let it go.
But no, I had to get involved. I do like a good challenge
and this seemed like the opportune time to share with you
how men can rise to the occasion simply by sheer will power.
There is a wedding taking place in October and you wanted
to look your best. Tip top shape you said. I can be a
slacker, but I, too, don"t want to look too shabby, so
being the gentleman that I am, I offered to help you.
But "No"  you said. You had joined a popular weight loss
program online and this would help you lose weight.
Trying to be frugal, I ask you how much are you paying.
When you told me, I offered to help you lose the weight
that you wanted to lose for half that price, and you didn't
have to figure points, write down numbers, or answer
to anyone but me.
You, being the smarter of the two of us, decided that you
would just stay in charge of your own domain without any
help from me. So, as of the first week, you had lost five
pounds and paid for the pleasure of doing so, and I had
lost five pounds, not costing me a dime. Maybe you should
have listened to the old weight guru, instead of falling
for that scam on the internet.
 
She Said
 
If I listened to the old weight guru, I'd weigh 300 pounds.
"Let's get an ice cream sundae from Bubba's, let's go to
Greensboro and see if the "HOT DOUGHNUTS NOW" sign is on,
Is Yum, Yum still open?, I need a Snickers, Thirsty? How
about some Raspberry tea?" and on and on you go. Usually
(unless you're trying to prove a point) if you want it,
you eat it. Most of the time it doesn't show up on your
hips. Men are lucky that way; it only shows up around their
middle. Of course if you don't want to look nine months
pregnant, you still need to watch your intake, whether
it's points or calories.  I have known you most of my life
and I have seen your diets. No offense but they don't work.
Yes, you give up soft drinks and candy for a few weeks,
lose some water weight, go around bragging about how you
lost all this weight. and then fall back into your old
habits. So tell me, dear, if your weight lost program works
so well, why are you on a diet now? If you're the weight
loss guru, why do you look like you swallowed a watermelon?

I am paying very little for what will hopefully be
successful. You will lose ten pounds, brag for a few
days and then continue drinking soft drinks and pressing
your nose and both hands against the Krispy Kreme door
until they open. Meanwhile, my plan will help me embrace
a change in healthier eating habits so I will not only
look acceptable in the October wedding, but also for
Thanksgiving and Christmas. I will say one thing for your
diet though. You will save money. I could make my mortgage
payment with what you spend on soft drinks and candy.
So we're off and running and may the best ----- win!