The Dinner Party

He Said

We attended an Awards Banquet a few weeks ago
and we both enjoyed it very much. Anytime we can
be together is a real joy for me because you are
so beautiful and intelligent. Sometimes you are
a little too beautiful and all knowing. Let me see,
Miss Manners, if I remember this correctly.
Use the little fork for salads.  Don't push your
food onto your fork with your fingers. Don't
start eating before others at the table begin.
Don't put your salad dressing on your salad
until the appropriate time (whenever that is).
Put your napkin in your lap. Pass all foods to
the right, even if the lady on your left is asking
for you to pass the bread. Don't hog the conversation
at the table. Don't stare at people. Don't spread
rumors about your friends and ex-wives. Don't ask
anyone their business. Be sure and eat all your food.
Don't ask what something is if you don't know.
Don't be the first one to eat your dessert. Don't
ask the waiter for a doggy bag. Don't holler across
the room for the waiter to bring you more tea. Don't
turn over your coffee cup unless you want coffee.
Don't talk with your mouth full. Gentleman should stand
when a lady rises to be excused. Be sure to pull the
chair out when you are ready to sit down. Make sure
that I introduce you to everyone at the table.
Make sure to turn your silverware upside down and
lay it on the plate to alert the waiter that you are
finished. Don't leave you alone at the table while
I go off visiting my friends.

To be honest with you, I really don't see any sense
attending these things. Too many rules and hoops
to jump through. Next time let's just go to
Ma Possum's and get a hot dog.

She Said

Are you insinuating that I make your life miserable
every time we go to a nice (or fancy as you call it)
dinner with people who expect appropriate manners.
Maybe we don't go out to enough of these parties
for you to remember your manners, or at least the
ones I have tried to teach you. It's not that you
embarrass me, I am trying to protect you from
yourself so you won't embarrass yourself.

Most of the time you are pretty well behaved and
a gentlemen. Being from the south, you may have
some idiosyncrasies that don't particularly appeal
to me, but that fit into your lifestyle. Save all
that junk for your fishing trips
( oh, wait a minute, you don't fish) or your
hunting trips( oh, wait a minute, you don't hunt)
or whenever we go to Atlanta.

Pushing your food on your fork with your fingers
is just plain gross. Why not just stand on the
table and eat with your feet? All of those other
traits and manners that you mentioned are just
good common sense. I didn't suggest them to you
before we left; however, the next time we go out,
please take a copy with you so you can refer to it.
Most people live by these rules on a daily basis...
others have to print out an agenda. I am afraid you
fall into the latter category. But I will be
watching to see if you can make the grade,
and I will reward you accordingly.