How to Please a woman

He Said


April is here and as you know with April comes
the honeydew list. We have talked about this
before and this year will be no different. I
am not going through the litany of every chore
that will need to be done around the house and
throughout the house. Go back to last spring
or the spring before and you'll see what I mean.
I'm trying to think of a new way this year to
get you to think outside the box. What if we
didn't do the same old things like cut the
grass or paint the living room? What if we
did something more exciting with our lives
this year? As a couple we only have a certain
amount of time to share together in our lifetime.
Why not make an exception this year and try
something new? The trick is going to be making
it so attractive that you will buy right into
it without objection. Taking you on a cruise
would be easy, you would fall for that because
it would be fun, but that would only be for one
week, two at the most. This new idea has to be
a whole summer of joy so intense that you would
forget all about the honeydew list and things
that need to be accomplished around the house.
It seems like the goal has to be to get you to
stop thinking about a chore list and start
thinking about ways to make me happy.If you are
spending all of your time satisfying me, you will
have no time left to spend on chores. The problem
is simple. I'll buy you a new house, so there is
nothing to clean or fix up. I will buy you a new
car so you will want to drive everywhere on vacation
(shopping!) I will buy you all new furniture and
appliances so you don't have to worry about repairs.
I'll buy you a whole new wardrobe so you don't have
to worry about clothes. On second thought I don't
think you would be dumb enough to fall for this.
You would see right through me. The good news is:
I just saved a ton of money!


She Said


It's ironic how similar our life's goals were when
we started dating twelve years ago. We talked about
sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and
growing old together. Three of our five children
were nearly grown and the other two were well
on their way. But as the years passed by all too
quickly, plans evolved in different directions.
You want to retire (someday) in Myrtle Beach
and I don't. The oceans' rushing waves remind
me that life is rushing by also and I picture
myself relaxing by a lazy river setting instead.
I plan on working as long as I can because too
many of our friends have passed away shortly after
retiring. I'll always have a project going on
because I don't stay idle very well. I like seeing
the fruits of my labor which is why I don't
mind housework, painting, cooking, etc. You have
an extraordinary talent as an artist and you
choose to waste it instead of drawing, painting,
etc. Wouldn't it be nice to have your work
hanging on the walls rather than art done by
someone we've never heard of? So I'll make a
promise to you that I won't ask you to do one
thing around the house this spring if you'll
make a promise to me...spend some time this
summer sitting at your easel and painting
so I can hang it up ...after I get the living
room redecorated.

Keeping it Real

She Said

By the time this column goes out, our snowy winter
should be behind us. Do you remember when we first
started dating, you told me that on weekends, your
ex-wife didn't comb her hair or put on make-up
because she wasn't going to see anyone? Well,
there are several inches of snow and ice on the
ground and it's 4:00 in the afternoon; however,
I'm not sure you've walked past a mirror lately
because your hair looks like you were pardoned
thirty seconds after the switch was pulled!
Do you want to borrow some shampoo and a brush?

Seems like I remember another facebook entry
from you stating that "there wouldn't be as
many divorces if you tried as hard to keep
your partner as you did to get her". We all
fall into that marriage mode after a few years
and relax or so you've told me. Quite honestly,
at our age, that relaxed atmosphere is quite
appealing to me. Sometimes in the summer when
I've worked out in the yard all day, it's nice
to come in, shower and relax, skipping
hairstyling and make-up. I know the way
I look doesn't change the way you feel about
me and vice versa.

Don't worry though, I won't take advantage
of your good nature by going to WalMart in
hair curlers. There is a town in North Carolina
where the female population actually goes
shopping on Saturday morning with rollers
the size of orange juice cans. We can vow
to keep each other in check better than that.

He Said

Well that is quite a mouthful for me to answer
this month , but I will give it the old
proverbial try. I didn't wash my hair today ,
I just threw on a toboggan and hurried over to
your house before the snow got too deep, so we
could spend the whole day together( I see you
over there yawning so this might not be
as important to you as to me). If combing and
washing my hair and coming to your house is
the only thing keeping us together , let's
stock up on plenty of Prell shampoo or whatever
brand you use. I think in my facebook entry I
was probably talking about romance, flowers,
cards, attention, handholding, caring,
and all other methods that men use to keep
their woman happy. I know that when you are
not planning on leaving the house your M.O.
is to maybe wash your hair and let it dry
naturally, wear your glasses, not put on makeup etc.

I understand that and to me that would seem to
say I know you love me no matter what I look
like , so I will just go with my natural look..
however, when I go out, I want to look my best,
dressed to the t, so I can know that the world
will appreciate the effort I took, to look my best
for them.

Hello....how about me? Maybe I want to see you at
your best. Maybe I want to see you looking
extravagantly beautiful also. And the day you
want me to go to any store with you in hairculers
is probably going to be the day I go to U-Haul,
rent a truck, and move you to that little old
town in North Carolina where all the women shop
with hair curlers in their hair. Because on that
day I will be feeling that I can do better than that.

So next time I come over, my hair will be clean,
my teeth will be brushed, my clothes will be clean,
and you can be fixed up and we will both go shopping.

You can't ask for a better vow than that can you?