New Year Resolutions 2009

He Said

The new year has arrived and as usual I start thinking about how
I can make my life better or maybe even make your life better,
being the gentleman that I am. So here is my list of New Years
Resolutions for you to decimate.

I hereby agree to stay out of the way of your vacuum cleaner.
I know that in years past I might have complained about the
noise and having to raise my feet. But this year I will go to the
movies while you clean. That is the least I can do.

I promise to not get in your way as you mow the grass. I will
continue to sit on the porch and read and not be critical of the
blades of grass that you miss.

As you give the dog a bath, I hereby swear that I will not
stand behind you and try to get the dog excited so that she
tries to escape and covers you with water, even though it is funny.

I promise not to give all your friends pet names and call them by
those names when they call or we talk about them...although Goofy
is a good name for one of your friends because they act Goofy.

I promise to drive the shopping cart in a professional manner when
we go grocery shopping and not to put too many items in the cart
that you did not approve , so that when we get home I get fussed at.

I promise not to start smoking or drinking this year, because it
is bad for me and makes your house stink, and you know
I don't want to make your house stink.

I hereby agree to be nice to all your friends and neighbors and
relatives and children and workers so that they will like me and
not encourage you to marry Dr. McDreamy.

I will try and clean out my car if I get a chance so we can
take my car when I take you out to eat and spend money on you
and you won't have to use the gas in your car.

I will try and lose some weight so you can show me off to all
your friends and tell them how you whipped me into shape in
just a few years.

She Said


Another year and more of your dumb resolutions that you never
ever follow. But is seems to make you happy to write them down
so I again this year will play along. I might even have a couple
of ideas for you myself. The best thing for us to do is for me to
write your resolutions for you and you write my resolutions for me
and this way we can see what the other persons thinks about our
daily habits. But this would be far too difficult for you so I will
just comment on yours.


Just like a man to think that he is helping his significant
other by going to a movie while she cleans.

The first time I let you mow the grass you did such a horrible job
that I told you never to touch my mower again. Now I think you
screwed up on purpose to get out of mowing.

The dog is not excited she is just trying to escape the chore
of bathing. Sort of like most men.

Most of my friends are so above you intellectually that even
if I told them they would just say you have such low self esteem
and are tremendously jealous of their intellect.

As long as you pay for the groceries I don't care what you put
in the basket. As far as your driving skills, the pattern follows
how you drive on the highway. I see no difference.

My house only stinks when you bring hot dogs home. You are too
cheap to buy cigarettes and you are not old enough mentally
to drink yet.

I don't want to have to break in another man rich or poor.
I will just keep you since you are already house broken.

Your car is a joke.

Your weight does not bother me. Your neatness factor could
stand a workout though.

At our ages change does not come easy. I have just learned to
accept you as a challenge. Even if I don't succeed I have given
it a great run for the money. No matter what we always have next
year to improve your habits. At least you should be grateful that
we did not have room to talk about me. As usual,it is always
about you.

Happy New Year everyone.